Dealing with pre-teen step daughter

catch_me_if_you_can

I read the shower attachment as being like we have, with a shower hose/head permanently attached to the main bath taps where you move a lever to select shower or bath.

I agree 10 is far too old to share a bath with a sibling.
Even less appropriate being supervised by a step-parent while you do bathe.

Showers are far quicker anyway - I shower in a couple of minutes but a bath I'm inclined to wallow in hot water for ages.

As for stuff being left in your bedroom which is inappropriate for young eyes - put it away. Can't work out why you would have financial documents in your bedroom anyway, but if you do, then find a drawer for it. Leave the room as if you had a nosey MIL who was visiting!

System

I guess i'm lucky that i always preferred baths but i can understand why she want privacy at that age. I think you need to offer her the chance to have a bath on her own or a shower in the en-suite. When my parents let me use their shower that was all i did, i would never have gone rooting around their room, in fact it was always the done thing that the door was shut and i'd knock before entering.

KiKi

Carl: you asked for advice on bringing up teenage girls!

* Things that are important to them won't match your values. For example, you - as an adult - know that friends come and go, that what you look like isn't the end of the world, or that failing an exam in year 7 isn't going to have any effect in later life. But they value things differently to you. Friendships do matter, what they look like is important and the exam is critical - for their own reasons. Remember NEVER to de-value what they feel just because you're older and have a different perspective. Don't expect an explanation for their feelings, though.

* Privacy is EVERYTHING.

* Not everything is right and wrong like it is when they are younger. You have to allow flexibility and assertion of adulthood within a safe set of rules.

* Set the rules by offering concessions. Eg, you are allowed to stay out in the evening, but only on Friday and Saturdays, only if you're in by ten and only if you call us to tell us where you are. You are allowed to bath or shower separately, but not in the en-suite.

* Always ask yourself: WHY am I saying no? Is there a good reason? And if there is, are the consequences really that big a deal? If not, can I make a concession here? Find a compromise? Or say yes? Always explain your reasons.


Set the ground rules now, whilst she's still relatively reasonable. This will hold you in REALLY good stead. And apologise for your actions when you're wrong. It doesn't mean she has a hold over you, simply that you're acknowledging that you made a mistake and that you need to work together in future. Include her in stuff, as for her help with things that the younger kids can't.

Also, your kids can't all be equal all the time. Older ones should be allowed to bed later, or out when the younger ones aren't. They just have to lump it.

HTH
KiKi

Carl31

mumps wrote: »

It won't sound good at school tomorrow if she decides to tell her teacher that she didn't want to get undressed and let her step father bath her and that when she objected he then pushed her over. I have a close friend who is a social worker and she would want to investigate that sort of disclosure.

I'm not saying it is anything dodgy just that it could be viewed that way.

Good job theres people like you to view things in such a way to keep your friend in work then, ever thought about writing for the daily mail?

I never said anything about watching them have baths or anything about getting undressed

Carl31

KiKi wrote: »

Carl: you asked for advice on bringing up teenage girls!

* Things that are important to them won't match your values. For example, you - as an adult - know that friends come and go, that what you look like isn't the end of the world, or that failing an exam in year 7 isn't going to have any effect in later life. But they value things differently to you. Friendships do matter, what they look like is important and the exam is critical - for their own reasons. Remember NEVER to de-value what they feel just because you're older and have a different perspective. Don't expect an explanation for their feelings, though.

* Privacy is EVERYTHING.

* Not everything is right and wrong like it is when they are younger. You have to allow flexibility and assertion of adulthood within a safe set of rules.

* Set the rules by offering concessions. Eg, you are allowed to stay out in the evening, but only on Friday and Saturdays, only if you're in by ten and only if you call us to tell us where you are. You are allowed to bath or shower separately, but not in the en-suite.

* Always ask yourself: WHY am I saying no? Is there a good reason? And if there is, are the consequences really that big a deal? If not, can I make a concession here? Find a compromise? Or say yes? Always explain your reasons.


Set the ground rules now, whilst she's still relatively reasonable. This will hold you in REALLY good stead. And apologise for your actions when you're wrong. It doesn't mean she has a hold over you, simply that you're acknowledging that you made a mistake and that you need to work together in future. Include her in stuff, as for her help with things that the younger kids can't.

Also, your kids can't all be equal all the time. Older ones should be allowed to bed later, or out when the younger ones aren't. They just have to lump it.

HTH
KiKi

Thank you for your answer, something constructive at last

scottishchick27

Carl31 wrote: »

Thank you for your answer, something constructive at last

I don't think that's fair, most of the comments on this thread have been constructive. I know it must be hard for a man to understand young girls feelings, I'm a mum of a young girl and dread to think of what I've got to come so it must be even harder for a dad, let alone a step dad. I wish you luck though

System

Actually i lie, i looked though their drawers once, and saw condoms. That was enough to scar me for life! :eek:

Person_one

Carl31 wrote: »

I never said anything about watching them have baths or anything about getting undressed

You said 'Today I'm doing all 4 in one go' which really does suggest that you would be bathing them yourself, and also said that when she protested you 'ushered her up the stairs' so I can completely understand why people assumed you'd be following her into the bathroom.

Carl31

scottishchick27 wrote: »

I don't think that's fair, most of the comments on this thread have been constructive. I know it must be hard for a man to understand young girls feelings, I'm a mum of a young girl and dread to think of what I've got to come so it must be even harder for a dad, let alone a step dad. I wish you luck though

Yes that is unfair ,there has been a lot of constructive response which i am grateful for, i had just been replying to someone suggesting there was something untoward going on in my house

aliasojo

Carl31 wrote: »

Thank you for your answer, something constructive at last

I don't think that's fair either.

The majority of us offered reasonable comment, I thought.

Edit: Just saw OP's reply above. Ignore me.