9 yr about to be excluded again :(

andyrules

Quote:
he had lost it again and had hit a teacher and a child.


How awful for the other children in the class

yes, I think eveyone can see that! Several people on here have suggested that the school's and LEA's intervention are ineffective and I think that is why Carrera is asking if anyone else can help!

Carrera, did this start 6 months ago, as you mentioned soemthing about that before? did it start gradually, or suddenly? Can you pinpoint any incident or change that may be attributable?

I have wondered about a change in school, clean start and all that, but you say he was very happy there until recently. I wonder about the DV thing, it is well evidenced that children witnessing this (and not necessarily in the same room even, so there may have been more times than you realise) are emotionally and behaviourally affected.

Ive found a link to a site for children affected by DV abuse, worth a look I think.

http://www.thehideout.org.uk/

However, I wonder if something had happened at school that triggered memories and sent him into a spiral that he can't escape from.

You said he used to play football, has he stopped? Could he become more involved in outside activities, particularly sporty ones that may relieve some tension? Would also take the big focus off his school behaviour, as right now (and not surprisingly) it must consume him.

Could you take him away for a few days, just you and him to give him the opportunity to open up? Treat him a bit, remind him what a 'normal' life is like?

HTH
xx

Nikki

Zara33 wrote:

I do feel sorry for the OP the situation is very heart breaking but to be perfectly honest here if the OP's son had ASD you would have been more than aware of this well before now.

Not in my experience either. DS1 was dx 2 weeks ago he's 11 1/2. He was misdiagnosed with adhd, although he fit the criteria for adhd I knew there was still something different about him and cahms were missing it.

Carrera74

Carrera, did this start 6 months ago, as you mentioned soemthing about that before? did it start gradually, or suddenly? Can you pinpoint any incident or change that may be attributable?

I've had problems with his behaviour since he was a toddler but put that down to the living arrangements with his Dad. Home life wasn't very settled When he first started school he was very clingy. Most days he wouldn't want me to leave him and I lost count of the times I left him at school/nursery crying. His teachers were great and always rang me to put my mind at ease and said he was fine 10 mins after I'd gone. The disruption/violent side of him only came out at school last July. I had been called in to school a few times and he was put on report as he was being naughty in class and throwing things and refusing to leave the classroom either to see the Head or even to leave at hometime. He was having regular access with his Dad at that time - Tuesday after school overnight and Friday after school until Saturday teatime. A couple of weeks after it started when I went to pick him up from his Dad's on the Saturday teatime my son told me his Dad had hit him because he couldn't get to sleep. (I'd had a phonecall from his Dad on the Fri evening at 9pm saying to pick him up but I had had a drink and said I couldn't get him but if he wanted to drop him fine but to do it asap as it was getting late, he never showed). The next day after he got out of the bath he was playing with his pj bottoms on and I noticed a big red handmark on his lower back and a mark on his arm too His Dad had hit him that hard on the Friday night the mark was still there on Sunday lunchtime!!! I spoke with him and he said his Dad hit him regular for being naughty. I rang the police and social services got involved. The outcome was his Dad got away with it as he told the police he thought there was something wrong with our son and he had snapped. I stopped access for quite a while until my son said he wanted to see his Dad again. I told him he could go but no overnight and only once a week. This was at the end of the Summer holidays and I went into school a couple of weeks into the new term to explain to his new teacher what had been happening at home and to keep an eye on him. I noticed a change in his behaviour a couple of weeks into school. His Dad had started taking him to football late on a Monday evening and he was only getting home at 9pm and hyper so I put a stop to it as he needs his sleep or he gets irritable. My son started getting into trouble at school and at Halloween his Dad had a party and invited some of his school friends so he wanted to stop. I reluctantly said yes but said I wanted him in bed no later than 9pm. I had a text at 9.30 asking me to get him as he was playing up (obviously overtired!) and I said they needed to drop him off now or deal with it. They didn't show and I fell asleep on the settee and woke at 1.30am with 2 voicemails on my mobile which had been left an hour earlier. One of my son sobbing his heart out for about 20 seconds and then the next one was his Dad's gf shouting abuse down the phone at me and telling me to get my son. I got a taxi and went round and my little boy was sobbing at the window and was wet as his Dad had been throwing water at him to try and shut him up! I was blazing. It was surreal. The week after he went back to school and he was up and down. It took nearly 4 weeks for his behaviour to straighten out - he even got star of the week ! Towards the beginning of December he asked about going to see his Dad again and his Dad was ringing and texting asking for access and threatening to take me to court as Christmas was coming up so stupidly I said okay but said I would be monitoring his behaviour and at the first sign of any trouble I would stop it again. Towards Christmas I noticed his behaviour changing again at home as well as at school but I kept asking him if he was happy going to his Dads which he was and also was there any problems, which there weren't. I had a 2nd appointment with CAMHS and advised them about the change from good behaviour the previous month to him being up and down again and they said that going back to seeing his Dad even though he is enjoying contact is still unsettling for him and it would even out, I just had to give him time to readjust. Well January came he went back to school and I have been unable able to keep him in. I stopped access again 5 weeks ago and it hasn't helped so now I don't know if it is his access that is affecting him, something from our past or an underlying problem that needs fixing or just a naughty little boy.

I'm waiting for CAMHS and the SENCO office to ring me back. I'm going to ask about getting a private assessment as he's due back at school on 12 March and the short stay panel sit on the 13th March. If they haven't got the assessment they won't look at his case and he'll just get excluded again I'm sure

You said he used to play football, has he stopped? Could he become more involved in outside activities, particularly sporty ones that may relieve some tension? Would also take the big focus off his school behaviour, as right now (and not surprisingly) it must consume him.

Could you take him away for a few days, just you and him to give him the opportunity to open up? Treat him a bit, remind him what a 'normal' life is like?

He used to play after school but as he's been excluded the majority of this year he hasn't been able to play. I'm going to look into getting him in a team locally on a Saturday.

I wish I could take him away for a few days just the two of us. He'd like that. Unfortunately I've used all my leave up taking time off.

plumduff-2

OMG - what an absolute bas%£^* your ex is - and his ex gorlfriend.. leaving abisive messages on your phone to pick son up in the wee small hours... they should get a grip.. poor parenting if they cannot handle a minor situation without resorting to abuse...

Throwing water on him to shut him up....
Smacking him so he is bruised...

Shameless...!

You need to write all this down - photograph any abuse... This will be having a major impact on your poor poor son... Of course he wants to see his dad.. but it doesnt seem to be in his interest to do so... they are just wrecking his head...

They dont deserve this boy, who is obviously traumatised, confused and bullied, by one of the people in his life he should be able to rely on..

What a crappy situation you are in.. Has he got a court order for access...?

Defiantely start recording this abuse - that is what it is... And next time he has bruises from his father, call the police...

Carrera74

There's no court order. He just threatens to take me court on and off and then I just end up paying for solicitor letters back and forth.

I contacted the police last time and the CPS said it wasn't in my son's best interest to take it further. His Dad was interviewed by the police and Social Services and he pulled the wool over their eyes and came across as a loving caring parent who lost it.

My ex denies it all and says it's our son who is the violent one and that he lost it with him just that one time. The ex and his gf said it was my son throwing water not his Dad - a couple of days later my son during one of his moments through water at me so it's hard to know if he is copying what he has seen or being naughty. My ex never took any responsibility for his actions towards me and always managed to twist everything round. I think that's what he does now along with his gf. It's damn hard especially as my little boy worships his Dad

I've just spoken to CAMHS. He should receive an appointment shortly for medical assessment and we can go from there. She also said the Short stay school will have to relook at his case with or without an assessment from the EdPsych as he is even more at risk of being permanently excluded.

andyrules

There has to be a strong link between the way his behaviour deteriorated so quickly and something to do with your ex oh. How long has he been abusing your son? How long has he been with gf? Sadly, he obviously wants a relationship with his dad, but his perception of father/son and the reality don't match up. Dads don't leave marks on their sons, or throw water at them! From what I understand, SWorkers are supposed to LISTEN to kids now and consider what they say, so deceitful and abusive parents can't con them! Plumduff makes a good point, photograph evidence.

How much, if at all, do you talk about the past? Sorry if you've said this before, I might have missed something. Although he's young, I might be tempted to show him the website I posted earlier, I'm willing to bet that he feels increasingly alienated from other kids with his experiences, it may help him to know it's not down to him, and others are in the same boat. Perhaps you could sit with him?

I'm glad you're seeing CAMHS.

Just a point - my DD suffered terribly at the hands of a bully in Y7, it's shocking what girls can be like, ended up traumatised, losing hair etc. She was referred to a councellor, but refused to go saying that there was nothing wrong with her, it was the bully who was the problem. Fortunately, she could see that important point.
xx

plumduff-2

The good thing is that ex doesnt have a court order... he doesnt have PR - we discussed that sometime ago... so he walked out of your lives to shack up with bi*ch from hell - screaming madwoman....

So the question is / are

1. How long have you been seperated for
2. Does he pay maintenance
3. If yes, how is this paid, informally or through the CSA...

4 Why on earth did you get together with this moron on the first place..:D (im kidding on this one... Ive been right there with you....!)

Carrera74

andyrules wrote:

How long has he been abusing your son? How long has he been with gf?

They've been together for 4 years now and she has a son from her previous marriage. My son says he gets blamed for everything which obviously doesn't help when he goes round there.

Plumduff makes a good point, photograph evidence.

I did do this and the police took photographs too.

How much, if at all, do you talk about the past? Sorry if you've said this before, I might have missed something. Although he's young, I might be tempted to show him the website I posted earlier, I'm willing to bet that he feels increasingly alienated from other kids with his experiences, it may help him to know it's not down to him, and others are in the same boat. Perhaps you could sit with him?

Thanks for the link. I had a quick look. I don't really talk about the past to him. I'm scared of opening new wounds or saying something that he doesn't remember It might be a good idea though and I guess I've nothing to lose.

Just a point - my DD suffered terribly at the hands of a bully in Y7, it's shocking what girls can be like, ended up traumatised, losing hair etc. She was referred to a councellor, but refused to go saying that there was nothing wrong with her, it was the bully who was the problem. Fortunately, she could see that important point.

xx

Yes girls can be horrid - my daughter was bullied in the last 2 years of primary school. She said the same - the bullies had the problem not her.

Thanks for your comments x

Carrera74

1. How long have you been seperated for

We split up about 5 years ago but managed to get rid of him nearly 4.

2. Does he pay maintenance

I bet you know the answer to that one already - no!

3. If yes, how is this paid, informally or through the CSA...

The CSA did an assessment, he is self employed and does his own books so only made out he could afford the minimum - £5 a week! I received £30 when I took him to court for the DV, just before his sentencing. Haven't received a penny since December 2003.

4 Why on earth did you get together with this moron on the first place..:D (im kidding on this one... Ive been right there with you....!)

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plumduff-2

Then you have him over a barrel love...

He walked out on his child 4/5 years ago...

He has never applied for parental responsibility

He has never applied to court for residency and/or access

He does not pay manitenance either voluntarily or through the CSA..

Then how does he threaten to take you to court when you say son is not staying with him

A court is not going to look forvourably on an absent father who doesnt support his son financially and has not applied for access/ residency / PR in 4/5 years...

Just to compare.. my ex was a bullying !!!!!, we seperated 13 years ago... he saw the kids when he wanted but never paid a bean in maintaining them... Over the years I have changed so much... I have regained all my old confidence and self esteem up and now when he gets on my nerves he gets a mouthful of abuse from me... However, he is clever enough to stay out of my life.. Alcoholic half witted pi11ock that he is... You stand up to him girl....!