Brother's birthday problem WWYD?

picnmix

I dont think that the OP is being selfish, hormones do strange things to your brain during pregnancy, I just think the OP has lost a bit of perspective on a relatively strightforward problem with an easy answer
Sorry OP dont mean to sound patronising but I know during my pregnancies that all sorts of things that would not normally be issues, suddenly were

Kaz2904

My Aunty and Uncle brought up my sister and I along side our cousin (he's 3.5 years younger than me). I'm the only one living at home now (In our home area should I say). When my Uncle turned 60, he invited us out for a meal. The meal was to be held in a very nice very posh restaurant about 100 yards from our house. My Mil lives 1 mile away from us and would have been delighted to have my two for the night. So why is it that I spent weeks finding a bliddy baby sitter for my nephew which meant that DS had to stay home too (DD ended up at a different birthday party). I have never left my kids with a baby sitter and didn't know anyone so I spent ages ringing around colleagues with older kids asking for recommendations. My nephew then ended up staying the night at my house while his Mum (my sister btw!) swanned off to Aunty and Uncles house 9 miles away to have a nice late evening chatting away and a lovely lie in the following morning.
I was up at 5.30 when her DS woke up terrified trying to comfort him. He's 3 years younger than my littlest so am obviously a little bit out of touch.
The best bit? Her DH stayed at home "with a cold".

claire16c

If it was me Id go to the party with your child and just leave early. If you dont want to bring the child at all, then let your in-laws take care of her until you get back.

Or, leave your child with the friend you trust. 2 is fine to be left with someone else. Ive babysat children over night younger than that!

lizzielondon

If you're ok with your pil watching her and are just worried about the morning why don't you stay at theirs that night with your daughter? Then you'll be there in the morning?

skintchick

We can't Lizzie - they don;t have a spare room. And to those suggesting that we take her and leave early - she goes to bed at 7.30 so she'll be asleep before it all kicks off.

My bro is ignoring all calls, texts and Skype messages I have left trying to talk to him about his plans.

My parents don;t actually want to go, because mum doesn't drink and doesn't like pubs. She also assumed they would not be going! He has never wanted our parents at a do before.

I do wish people would read my posts properly, too - I cannot use my trusted friend as a babysitter as she will be in MY hometown which is 100 MILES from where the do is going to be held. In my parents' town I do not have access to a babysitter as anyone I might ask is going to be at the do, except my PILS.

I am happy to go out and leave someone I trust looking after DD, but either OH or me (ideally me, from her POV) need to do the actual bedtime, and I want to be back in bed in the same house as her so we are there for her in the morning, which is why I cannot leave her at PILs. There are other reasons, such as MIL smokes like a chimney, they often ignore her totally rather than engage with her, they don;t seem to be able to look after children adequately from what I have seen, but to be honest that's none of anyone's business on here. The fact that I do not want to leave her with them should be enough. I have valid reasons and OH agrees with me.

The reality is that my bro wants everyone there but has failed to grasp that we need to sort out care for DD and that that means one of us won;t be able to go (if we knew what was happening it would be easier to work it all out obviously) so whatever happens it is HE who will be upset and disappointed.

Personally, I'd rather not sit in a pub drinking fruit juice when pregnant, it's boring, but my bro wants me there obviously.

Perhaps when he deigns to tell me the plans I'll be pleasantly surprised by an early family meal or something, but I do know him rather well, and I doubt it.

It's a shame people have chosen to have a go at me and call me out on my parenting choices (attachment parenting may be unusual but's not that weird).

And to clarify - DD will be asleep through the whole thing. any babysitting would not involve playing with her, just being in the house while she sleeps. There is no way I will take my 2yo to a pub or keep her up past her bedtime - she goes to bed at bedtime because she is 2 and needs her sleep.

I was hoping this thread would die as I am just getting flamed, really, but some people are trying to be helpful so I thought I'd best reply.

It's laughable I'm being called selfish when I'm trying to think about a solution that will please everyone - bro, family, DD, OH.

HariboJunkie

Skintchick I'm not going to comment on the OP but given that you have published your and your husband's photos and your real name on MSE, perhaps you should ask a BG to delete the thread in case any of your relatives read this.:)

mountainofdebt

skintchick wrote: »

My parents don;t actually want to go, because mum doesn't drink and doesn't like pubs. She also assumed they would not be going! He has never wanted our parents at a do before.

Surely the solution is simply; if they don't want to go then all they need do is to tell your brother that it isn't their sort of thing and much rather celebrate his birthday with a more civilised meal and then they can babysit and you and your OH can go to the party.

skintchick wrote: »

I do wish people would read my posts properly, too - I cannot use my trusted friend as a babysitter as she will be in MY hometown which is 100 MILES from where the do is going to be held. In my parents' town I do not have access to a babysitter as anyone I might ask is going to be at the do, except my PILS.

I am happy to go out and leave someone I trust looking after DD, but either OH or me (ideally me, from her POV) need to do the actual bedtime, and I want to be back in bed in the same house as her so we are there for her in the morning, which is why I cannot leave her at PILs. There are other reasons, such as MIL smokes like a chimney, they often ignore her totally rather than engage with her, they don;t seem to be able to look after children adequately from what I have seen, but to be honest that's none of anyone's business on here. The fact that I do not want to leave her with them should be enough. I have valid reasons and OH agrees with me.

I must I got the impression that the PILS were fine to babysit so long as it was done at your parents house which is what would get my back up if I were your MIL. Tbh - and I know we all bring up children according to our wishes - but I can't help feeling you're storing up a whole load of trouble for the future such as when you can't be there for your daughter - have you thought about what is going to happen when you go into labour ? Tbh your friend might be 100 miles away from the party but if you didn't have such strong views on things it would have been an idea to ask your friend if she would mind looking after your daughter overnight.

skintchick wrote: »

The reality is that my bro wants everyone there but has failed to grasp that we need to sort out care for DD and that that means one of us won;t be able to go (if we knew what was happening it would be easier to work it all out obviously) so whatever happens it is HE who will be upset and disappointed.

Look its simply - either your parents tell him that they aren't going and they look after your daughter or either you or your Oh don't go. You need to work it out what option it's going to be - and I'm sure as an adult he'll get over it.

skintchick wrote: »

Personally, I'd rather not sit in a pub drinking fruit juice when pregnant, it's boring, but my bro wants me there obviously

Perhaps when he deigns to tell me the plans I'll be pleasantly surprised by an early family meal or something, but I do know him rather well, and I doubt it.

Then girl up and tell you can't go because you have a young daughter to look after - as I said before he'll get over it.

Oh and stop playing the martyr.

skintchick wrote: »

It's a shame people have chosen to have a go at me and call me out on my parenting choices (attachment parenting may be unusual but's not that weird).

Unusal is one way of putting it. Strange would be more appropriate as I think most people can see the need for encouraging, in an age appropriate way, for their children being independant.

skintchick wrote: »

There is no way I will take my 2yo to a pub or keep her up past her bedtime - she goes to bed at bedtime because she is 2 and needs her sleep.

This is probably the only thing you have posted that I would agree with.

skintchick wrote: »

It's laughable I'm being called selfish when I'm trying to think about a solution that will please everyone - bro, family, DD, OH.

Face facts - you're on a mission that was doomed to fail. Once you accept that you can think of what can realistically happen.

jellyhead

It's not strange though - skintchick has said that she leaves her daughter with trusted people in her home town. The child is not clinging to parents 24 hours a day.

If you do actually want to go, skintchick, and this is a huge favour to ask of a friend, but would a friend come and babysit in your parents house? and either stay there or get a travelodge room?

Honestly, if this were me I'd not go to the party. Not unless somebody could babysit in my parents house. Tell your brother you feel fat and tired, and send your OH out to party.

xoxo_2

If you don't want to go, your parents don't want to go, and childcare is being turned in to a huge drama can you not suggest a family meal with your brother during the day (or the following afternoon) which your DD can go to and so can your parents meaning you can make an excuse ("I'm going to be X months pregnant so i'll be knackered by 7pm and won't be able to make it"?) not to go to the evening party and just let your OH go?

skintchick

xoxo wrote: »

If you don't want to go, your parents don't want to go, and childcare is being turned in to a huge drama can you not suggest a family meal with your brother during the day (or the following afternoon) which your DD can go to and so can your parents meaning you can make an excuse ("I'm going to be X months pregnant so i'll be knackered by 7pm and won't be able to make it"?) not to go to the evening party and just let your OH go?

Oh I wish! My brother is just not likely to get it. He had a massive tantrum over me marrying his friend and my mum had to intervene and tell him to stop it. WHen he wants something, he expects to get it. And usually we all do what he wants because it is easier (and he does have good points, obviously) but this time I cannot see how he can have his way and I am dreading the fallout.

I understand it's an important birthday for him but he is engineering it so that we cannot all go, and so setting himself up for being upset. I just want to be able to make it work so he is happy but I can't without asking PILs to babysit at my mum's, that really is the only solution.

THanks to everyone who has been helpful and tried to understand where I am coming from. I may parent differently to most other people on here (I know a lot of people elsewhere who parent like me though) but I don;t think it's unreasonable to want my Dd to be sleeping in the same house as me!