Brother's birthday problem WWYD?

newcook

sorry if this has been suggested already but.....

you say you have people who you trust who live by you - would one of them be willing to travel with you and stay over (providing its ok with your parents) - this way everyone gets to go to the party for as long as they want, you have someone you trust with your child and you will be there when child wakes up in the morning.

one of my best friends trusts me completely with her children - her and her OH even went to spain for a couple of nights when the youngest was 18 months old and I looked after them in her house as she didnt trust her dad to cope for 3 nights!
I know (as does she) that if she said she needed a sitter but its 100 miles away that I would travel with them

newcook

lol! have just caught up on the other posts and can see that Jelly said the same as me about the friend - great minds eh!

its a shame your friend cant come along for the night - is there anyone else you could take?!

Nicki

elvis86 wrote: »

FWIW, I don't think the OP comes across particularly well, and I think she is being awkward.

Obviously being heavily pregnant has some bearing, but tbh I get the impression that this has little to do with it, and she would be having (making?) the same issues if she weren't pregnant.

Of course people's lives and priorities change when they have kids, but this is the kind of thing that annoys those of us who don't (or don't yet). It's your brother's 40th, it will happen once, surely you could sort something out?

The OP says herself that it's just a case of a babysitter being present whilst her daughter sleeps. I see no reason (she hasn't mentioned the PIL's rabid pitbull as yet..:cool:) why the OP couldn't put her daughter to bed at her PIL's and collect her first thing the next morning.

She deems them suitable enough to babysit at her parents, so the not trusting them is a non-issue (and if the daughter is asleep then presumably being "ignored" won't bother her!).

All this rubbish about them not having a spare room is also irrelevant - the daughter is 2 !!!!!!! She doesn't need a suite!

RE the smoking, I should imagine it would be easy and quite reasonable to request that they don't smoke in the house whilst she's there - perhaps best coming from OH.

Asking someone to supervise a sleeping child in someone else's house 5 minutes from their own is unreasonable and somewhat insulting.

The crux of it is, IMO, the OP is being unreasonable and awkward, and overly precious about where her child sleeps (which is effectively all she will be doing if OP collects her first thing).

OP isn't heavily pregnant and won't be at the party. IIRC correctly she is about 6 weeks pregnant now so will still be in trimester 1 at the time of the party. So likely to be feeling sick, tired and vulnerable and probably not wanting to be stuck in a pub all night especially if she doesn't want to go public to all and sundry about why she isn't drinking before she reaches a safer point in the pregnancy.

Not having children, I can see you might not understand how babysitting a (just) 2 year old works, but I wouldn't want to leave my own child, also 2, overnight with a couple who might not respond when he cries and sort out nappies, bad dreams, sickness quickly. OP practises a style of parenting where kids are never left to cry unattended so I think that's even more important for her.

As for the spare room, if PIL are heavy smokers they probably smoke in their own bedroom and living areas. So I can understand not wanting to leave a baby there too.

Skintchick, I don't think there is a perfect answer to the dilemma. I know it's been suggested before but in your shoes I personally would go for an hour or so and leave Lily with your OH, then come home and let him go until the bitter end, while you babysit and have an early night. Or maybe your parents might be happy to go to the party an hour late, so you and your OH could be there for an hour together, then you leave to relieve them? You'll probably find that once the party is in full swing your brother won't even notice who is there or not there, and people tend to arrive at these things at different stages in the evening, so you might be able to get away without even explaining to him that this is your plan, hence avoiding the huff! I have a sibling who sulks as well, and doesn't have children so wouldn't understand the complications so I can understand your dilemma!

jellyhead

Good idea nikki about swapping with her parents ... the other thing you could maybe do is let the daughter fall asleep on the sofa or in grandparents bed, then you collect her in a taxi when you leave the party.

I did that once with my youngest - I couldn't have slept easy without being in the same house as him. We didn't do attachment parenting, but the baby thought I should

pimento

Marisco wrote: »

Is my family unusual???? I read all this "won't leave the kids with PIL's" etc, and think "why not"? My son's daughter stayed overnight in mine, from when she was 3 months old!!! She loved it, and it gave son & gf, some time on their own. She used to stay every weekend, and we only have a one bed flat!! The cot just went in our room!! I'd have done the same for my daughter as well, only I moved 300 miles away! Kids need to get used to different situations, otherwise IMO you're building a rod for your own backs.

No, you're not unusual. My mum and dad had my son for the whole weekend when he was five weeks old. It was bliss.

He's been a regular stayer there and other places from very young and there has never been a problem.

jellyhead

Although this is sort of off topic - I've had 2 baby lemurs who never let go of me but eventually they let go and go on to be as well adjusted and secure as everyone else. I read a book about sleep techniques when I was pregnant, and according to the author if you let them cling as much as they want, they don't get anxious and then they stop clinging of their own accord.

It's worked fine with both of mine anyhow - at age 2 you'd never think they would get off my hip but at 3 they go to nursery, at 4 they into school without crying.

skintchick

Yes Nicki you are right, I'll actually be 14 weeks by then (assuming baby makes it , fingers crossed) so I probably will tell people but really won;t be up for it.

I really cannot ask any friend (who all have their own families) to travel 100 miles to stay at my parents' house to babysit DD! Is it just me who thinks that's ludicrous? Also, my parents are not sure where everyone is going to sleep anyway! My bro's room there has a single bed in it so there's no room for his gf, but that room is also where DD usually sleeps when we go up, cos there is no room for a cot in the double room. So space is at a premium already.

As Nicki has said there are good reasons why I won;t leave DD at PILs, and also even if I collected her 'in the morning', her morning begins at 6.30am! Even if I managed to be at PILs for that time, they don't get up till 9am earliest even when visiting us.

I think my bro is going to end up disappointed which is a shame, I really didn;t want that to happen.

I have to say I am very surprised how many people think I should just dump DD on a random friend 100 miles from where I am going to be, and additoinally think that my (perfectly reasonable) objections to that mean I am selfish, emotional (particularly loving the accusations of hormonal - do men ever get this kind of !!!!?) and generally an over-anxious parent who should have left her baby at 3 weeks old...

If I mention the reason I need to be around for bedtime and early morning is cos DD breastfeeds at those times (and others too, but those are the biggies and very important to her), can I get accused of child abuse too? :cool:

thatgirlsam

skintchick wrote: »

Yes Nicki you are right, I'll actually be 14 weeks by then (assuming baby makes it , fingers crossed) so I probably will tell people but really won;t be up for it.

I really cannot ask any friend (who all have their own families) to travel 100 miles to stay at my parents' house to babysit DD! Is it just me who thinks that's ludicrous? Also, my parents are not sure where everyone is going to sleep anyway! My bro's room there has a single bed in it so there's no room for his gf, but that room is also where DD usually sleeps when we go up, cos there is no room for a cot in the double room. So space is at a premium already.

As Nicki has said there are good reasons why I won;t leave DD at PILs, and also even if I collected her 'in the morning', her morning begins at 6.30am! Even if I managed to be at PILs for that time, they don't get up till 9am earliest even when visiting us.

I think my bro is going to end up disappointed which is a shame, I really didn;t want that to happen.

I have to say I am very surprised how many people think I should just dump DD on a random friend 100 miles from where I am going to be, and additoinally think that my (perfectly reasonable) objections to that mean I am selfish, emotional (particularly loving the accusations of hormonal - do men ever get this kind of !!!!?) and generally an over-anxious parent who should have left her baby at 3 weeks old...

If I mention the reason I need to be around for bedtime and early morning is cos DD breastfeeds at those times (and others too, but those are the biggies and very important to her), can I get accused of child abuse too? :cool:

Aww Skintchick I did think it might be because you would need to BF her but didn't want to bring that up if you didn't incase people started picking on that

I think you will get a few comments about that now - ignore them!

I think your dd needs you more than your bro does - Can you go early for the first hour, buy him a drink then go back?

Have you got him a nice prezzie?

mountainofdebt

skintchick wrote: »

Yes Nicki you are right, I'll actually be 14 weeks by then (assuming baby makes it , fingers crossed) so I probably will tell people but really won;t be up for it.

I really cannot ask any friend (who all have their own families) to travel 100 miles to stay at my parents' house to babysit DD! Is it just me who thinks that's ludicrous? Also, my parents are not sure where everyone is going to sleep anyway! My bro's room there has a single bed in it so there's no room for his gf, but that room is also where DD usually sleeps when we go up, cos there is no room for a cot in the double room. So space is at a premium already.

As Nicki has said there are good reasons why I won;t leave DD at PILs, and also even if I collected her 'in the morning', her morning begins at 6.30am! Even if I managed to be at PILs for that time, they don't get up till 9am earliest even when visiting us.

I think my bro is going to end up disappointed which is a shame, I really didn;t want that to happen.

I have to say I am very surprised how many people think I should just dump DD on a random friend 100 miles from where I am going to be, and additoinally think that my (perfectly reasonable) objections to that mean I am selfish, emotional (particularly loving the accusations of hormonal - do men ever get this kind of !!!!?) and generally an over-anxious parent who should have left her baby at 3 weeks old...

If I mention the reason I need to be around for bedtime and early morning is cos DD breastfeeds at those times (and others too, but those are the biggies and very important to her), can I get accused of child abuse too? :cool:

Skintchick

What do you actually want us to say ?

Do you want us to say that yes your brother is being a selfish git in not considering your childcare needs which to the majority of the population is pretty restrictive becuase if that's the case then your brother is being a selfish git

Can you not see that it is the restrictions that YOU have placed on childcare - that is hindering a solution being reached - and in some respects it is YOU that is being selfish.

I didn't realise you were so early into the pregnancy but the question is still there - if you have all these restrictions on who and where can look after your daughter how do you propose going into labour?

skintchick

mountainofdebt wrote: »

I didn't realise you were so early into the pregnancy but the question is still there - if you have all these restrictions on who and where can look after your daughter how do you propose going into labour?

well, the answer to your actual question is: naturally, when my body and baby decide it is time.

But the answer to what you were trying to ask is at home. With DD at home with probably my mum or my best mate there to play with her.

I had DD at home and am planning another homebirth. DD can just be around till either her bedtime or until I get to the pushing, at which point someone will take her off to play until her baby brother or sister is born and she can meet them.