Brother's birthday problem WWYD?

January20

Plans_all_plans wrote: »

Yeah I actually think that you have been unnecessarily flamed by some posters too.

The OP has been given lots of ideas and solutions, but she has found problems with all of them, therefore she has appeared as being unreasonable, so I think that's why posters have been so tough on her. I do think she wants a magic solution that doesn't exist.

bylromarha

gratefulforhelp wrote: »

I'm b/f number 3 and have tried and failed to express so many times. Wish I could.

I appreciate that you may not want to part with a good chunk of money to try this out, or may have tried it already, but have you tried a Medela electric pump?

I could not hand express, express with manual versions by tommee tippee, avent, boots, mothercare, medela or electric tommee tippee or avent. Medela mini electric worked a treat. Have known a couple of friends that Medela electric was the only thing that worked for them too.

I was very grateful I had friends that were happy to let me borrow theirs to have a go and find out what worked. Any friends you could ask or have been through all manner of pumpers already? Would post you my Medela, but it's 100 miles away with a friend who was at the end of her tether with expressing too! 4th pump she tried, 1st one that worked.

skintchick

bylromarha wrote: »

I appreciate that you may not want to part with a good chunk of money to try this out, or may have tried it already, but have you tried a Medela electric pump?

I could not hand express, express with manual versions by tommee tippee, avent, boots, mothercare, medela or electric tommee tippee or avent. Medela mini electric worked a treat. Have known a couple of friends that Medela electric was the only thing that worked for them too.

I was very grateful I had friends that were happy to let me borrow theirs to have a go and find out what worked. Any friends you could ask or have been through all manner of pumpers already? Would post you my Medela, but it's 100 miles away with a friend who was at the end of her tether with expressing too! 4th pump she tried, 1st one that worked.

You assume people want to be able to. I have only expressed to ease blocked ducts. Of course i know how to, and can help women with the technique, but on a personal level I never bothered expressing because I was always there for the feeds so there was no need. It's not a requirement of breastfeeding that you express. Im intrigued by what you term an emergency feed'.


There's a fair bit to respond to in your other post. I'll colour your quotes as it'll make it easier:

If that's about the actual milk, then I'm sure the OP knows about expressing machines and the child (note, not baby) can have the milk in a sippy cup. Mine had breastmilk in a sippy cup aged 11 months, so I'm sure a child aged 2 can manage.

Of course she can drink from a cup, she's been doing so since she was 6 months old, it's not about that though.


If that's about the child needing the attachment, what a perfect way to practice attachment theory. 2 years of having mum cuddles every night will have built up more than enough trust for the child to understand "Love you, see you at lunch time" (or whatever the child calls it) as the child knows mum is trustworthy and does what she says.

Yes she does. But that doesn't negate the fact that she isn't ready. She doesn;t even like being away from me with her dad for more than a few hours, she has always been very clingy which is why I did attachment parenting, and until she is comfortable with separation I won;t force her. She does obviously spend some time away from me with trusted friends and family members, but it needs to gentle and child-led.

If that's about the child needing mum and mum alone (and I really hope it isn't) I'd like to think that, if the OP is still with the childs father, that the OPs partner has put the child to bed, alone, without the OP, more than once. If not, how emasculating for dad.

Why do you hope it isn't? My child has a distinct preference for Mummy at bedtime, I see no issue with that. And no, my husband is NOT emasculated by that, he is secure enough in his masculinity that his inability to breastfeed doesn;t bother him one whit. Why would it? She often wants him after she has had me, and goes to sleep for him rather than me, but while she will go to sleep for me only, she never goes to sleep for him only. Just this week she lied to him, in answer to a question, that she had had a nap that day, because she knew he'd then let her have a later bedtime and it would mean she could stay up till I came home. At which point she collapsed in my arms and fell asleep on the breast. It's just her preference right now. She'll grow out of it when she's ready. It's not a threat to my husband nor does he see it that way. How bizarre to suggest it.

If it's about the MUM needing to be there at bedtime, that's a different story...

Oh dear. That old chestnut. That we natural-term breastfeeders are only doing it to fulfil some weird sexual need, or because we are emotionally stunted, or some such. Well, you can show a toddler a breast but rest assured, if they don't want it, you cannot make them breastfeed! I'd happily let someone else put her to sleep, and I often don;t want to breastfeed her, but she needs it, it fulfils a need she has, and so I continue because it is good for her. One day she'll give up, and maybe I'll miss it then, but I know she won't still be breastfeeding when she goes to university!

OP - have read your follow up and hope you find a solution. I also think a child staying with their grandparents overnight from a young age is a fantastic thing to strengthen the relationship between child and grandparent. I also think not having a night away from your child in 7 years (even 9 years I guess as all being well with the pregnancy means a child at home until they're 7) will have a heavy toll on your relationship with your partner. But as you say, your choice.

I'm sure DD will love staying over with her Grandma or Nanny when she is old enough. She has very strong relationships with them, don;t worry about that.

It didn;t seem to affect my parents, who are still married. Perhaps it would have a heavy toll on your relationship, but I have a different relationship and mine is not suffering. Thank you for your concern, however.



January20 yes, youre probably right, I was hoping someone would come up with a magic solution!


I don;t think its fair of people (not you January20) to have said I am childish. In fact I've been searching for a solution that would make my brother happy, and I don;t think wanting to do that is childish in any way, it's a mature attitude of not wanting to let someone down and seeking a way of going forward that would provide that. But anyway, regardless of people's (ill-informed) opinions about me, its been interesting reading. I sometimes come across as terse online because time is precious and I type quickly, rather than filling out the detail, but some replies haven;t been worthy of acknowledgement, in my opinion, which is why I haven;t acknowledged everyone, even though usually I thank all people who reply to a thread I begin.

mountainofdebt

skintchick wrote: »

January20 yes, youre probably right, I was hoping someone would come up with a magic solution!


I don;t think its fair of people (not you January20) to have said I am childish. In fact I've been searching for a solution that would make my brother happy, and I don;t think wanting to do that is childish in any way, it's a mature attitude of not wanting to let someone down and seeking a way of going forward that would provide that..

But don't you appreciate that there was no 'magic' solution to make everyone happy when there were so many obstacles that you are unprepared to move or at least compromise on.

What I can't understand is that given that you have chosen such a rigid way of bringing up your daughter - and I repeat that's entirely up to you and your OH - you can't see that and its that aspect of the whole problem that I see you being immature.

gratefulforhelp_2

bylromarha wrote: »

I appreciate that you may not want to part with a good chunk of money to try this out, or may have tried it already, but have you tried a Medela electric pump?

I could not hand express, express with manual versions by tommee tippee, avent, boots, mothercare, medela or electric tommee tippee or avent. Medela mini electric worked a treat. Have known a couple of friends that Medela electric was the only thing that worked for them too.

I was very grateful I had friends that were happy to let me borrow theirs to have a go and find out what worked. Any friends you could ask or have been through all manner of pumpers already? Would post you my Medela, but it's 100 miles away with a friend who was at the end of her tether with expressing too! 4th pump she tried, 1st one that worked.

Thanks, that's hugely kind.

This is the pump I rented from NCT with baby #1 I think, but no dice.

That said, maybe I could do it better now I'm an "old hand". Tried hand expressing when this baby had tongue tie, but no dice, despite a v.patient well educated midwife helping.

mountainofdebt I share a lot of the parenting views of the OP, and I would be a bit cross if I had got the response of having my parenting called into question.

mountainofdebt

gratefulforhelp wrote: »

mountainofdebt I share a lot of the parenting views of the OP, and I would be a bit cross if I had got the response of having my parenting called into question.

What am I saying is if the OP isn't prepared to be abit more flexible then there was never going to be amicable solution to this problem -or was she expecting someone else to be change their plans to accompdate her beliefs?

halibut2209

mountainofdebt wrote: »

What am I saying is if the OP isn't prepared to be abit more flexible then there was never going to be amicable solution to this problem -or was she expecting someone else to be change their plans to accompdate her beliefs?

Exactly. The OP has chosen the course of parenting she wants to use which is fine.

However, that decision has consequences. So the OP can either be flexible, or not go. It is unfair to expect others to submit to her decision.

To paraphase that great film of parenting technique, Jurassic Park, "I don't blame people for their decisions. But I do ask that they live with them"

piglet74

i think (and this is what i would have done) you go for the first hour or so, while ur hubby looks after ur LO,

then...before all the silly talk starts, and big serious drinking kicks in, you come home, and your hubby goes out,

im sorry, but i think it is the worst of bad manners to ask your in- laws to baby sit at your parents home at any time, but even more so just cause you have no one else, and you dont care much for the way they will be around ur LO,

bylromarha

skintchick wrote: »

You assume people want to be able to. I have only expressed to ease blocked ducts. Of course i know how to, and can help women with the technique, but on a personal level I never bothered expressing because I was always there for the feeds so there was no need. It's not a requirement of breastfeeding that you express. Im intrigued by what you term an emergency feed'.


There's a fair bit to respond to in your other post. I'll colour your quotes as it'll make it easier:

If that's about the actual milk, then I'm sure the OP knows about expressing machines and the child (note, not baby) can have the milk in a sippy cup. Mine had breastmilk in a sippy cup aged 11 months, so I'm sure a child aged 2 can manage.

Of course she can drink from a cup, she's been doing so since she was 6 months old, it's not about that though.


If that's about the child needing the attachment, what a perfect way to practice attachment theory. 2 years of having mum cuddles every night will have built up more than enough trust for the child to understand "Love you, see you at lunch time" (or whatever the child calls it) as the child knows mum is trustworthy and does what she says.

Yes she does. But that doesn't negate the fact that she isn't ready. She doesn;t even like being away from me with her dad for more than a few hours, she has always been very clingy which is why I did attachment parenting, and until she is comfortable with separation I won;t force her. She does obviously spend some time away from me with trusted friends and family members, but it needs to gentle and child-led.

If that's about the child needing mum and mum alone (and I really hope it isn't) I'd like to think that, if the OP is still with the childs father, that the OPs partner has put the child to bed, alone, without the OP, more than once. If not, how emasculating for dad.

Why do you hope it isn't? My child has a distinct preference for Mummy at bedtime, I see no issue with that. And no, my husband is NOT emasculated by that, he is secure enough in his masculinity that his inability to breastfeed doesn;t bother him one whit. Why would it? She often wants him after she has had me, and goes to sleep for him rather than me, but while she will go to sleep for me only, she never goes to sleep for him only. Just this week she lied to him, in answer to a question, that she had had a nap that day, because she knew he'd then let her have a later bedtime and it would mean she could stay up till I came home. At which point she collapsed in my arms and fell asleep on the breast. It's just her preference right now. She'll grow out of it when she's ready. It's not a threat to my husband nor does he see it that way. How bizarre to suggest it.

If it's about the MUM needing to be there at bedtime, that's a different story...

Oh dear. That old chestnut. That we natural-term breastfeeders are only doing it to fulfil some weird sexual need, or because we are emotionally stunted, or some such. Well, you can show a toddler a breast but rest assured, if they don't want it, you cannot make them breastfeed! I'd happily let someone else put her to sleep, and I often don;t want to breastfeed her, but she needs it, it fulfils a need she has, and so I continue because it is good for her. One day she'll give up, and maybe I'll miss it then, but I know she won't still be breastfeeding when she goes to university!

OP - have read your follow up and hope you find a solution. I also think a child staying with their grandparents overnight from a young age is a fantastic thing to strengthen the relationship between child and grandparent. I also think not having a night away from your child in 7 years (even 9 years I guess as all being well with the pregnancy means a child at home until they're 7) will have a heavy toll on your relationship with your partner. But as you say, your choice.

I'm sure DD will love staying over with her Grandma or Nanny when she is old enough. She has very strong relationships with them, don;t worry about that.

It didn;t seem to affect my parents, who are still married. Perhaps it would have a heavy toll on your relationship, but I have a different relationship and mine is not suffering. Thank you for your concern, however.

Wow, long response - why do you feel the need to explain yourself if you are so convinced you're right?

Emergency feed - you never express, yet you may need an emergency c section - how will your child have her bedtime milk then? Or if you are hospitilised 2 weeks after birth of 2nd and you are too ill too breast feed either 1st or second, but can just about manage to express. This happened to a friend and thankfully she learnt to express at end of feeding first child. She didn't feel the need for first 14 months of childs life, but decided to give it a go to see if she could when she found out she was preg with 2nd. 2 week old and 21 month old were banned (by hospital) from seeing mum for the week mum was hospitilised and learning how to express when in that state in hospital would have been impossible. Thankfully she could send milk home with her OH, me and another friend. Emergency need explained.

skintchick wrote: »

If it's about the MUM needing to be there at bedtime, that's a different story...

Oh dear. That old chestnut. That we natural-term breastfeeders are only doing it to fulfil some weird sexual need, or because we are emotionally stunted, or some such.

You assumed this was all about natural term breastfeeding - it wasn't, it was all about mum not trusting dad to do bedtime without mum being in the house.

There are several contradictions in your response btw, but I don't have the time nor inclination to give a detailed response or highlight them as I don't feel any response I type will read with an open mind.

Your child is 2 - many of us have been parents longer than that. It helps to listen to everything and take on board that which you like and will work for your family and ignore that which doesn't. If you didn't agree with my advice that your relationship will become hard work, then ignore it and know you are right rather than end up looking childish again with the bold highlighting.

skintchick

Actually I replied to you to be polite. Clearly I need not have bothered. I feel no need to justify myself. As you've ignored my responses to the things you said, I'm assuming you only wanted to have a go rather than actually ask those questions and have them answered.

Accusing me of being childish simply because I disagree with something you said is ridiculous. I paid you the respect of replying to your points in your (also long) post, that is all.