Getting married next year and our sex life isn't great

make_me_wise

Butterflylife wrote: »

Can you Pls give me a kick up the bum to stop checking his emails!!! Also help on hOw to spice up our sex life, how to be more confident and hOw to stop things from becoming routine and boring !!!!

You've been together 4 years and dont trust him or have a decent sex life. Good god you have staying power I cant even imagine. As this is a money saving site my advice is throw in the towel and save yourself a fortune in divorce costs a year or so down the line. Sorry to be blunt but it really doesn't sound like you two are a match. For him to not want to 'do the deed' because he feels it is long and boring is really downright insulting to you. There is working at a relationship and there is flogging a dead horse, in my mind you are doing the latter.

Kate78

Leave him. Honestly, why would you want to continue with a relationship like this?

Have faith that someone better will come along. However you won't notice him if you are too busy flogging this dead horse.

CH27

make_me_wise wrote: »

You've been together 4 years and dont trust him or have a decent sex life. Good god you have staying power I cant even imagine. As this is a money saving site my advice is throw in the towel and save yourself a fortune in divorce costs a year or so down the line. Sorry to be blunt but it really doesn't sound like you two are a match. For him to not want to 'do the deed' because he feels it is long and boring is really downright insulting to you. There is working at a relationship and there is flogging a dead horse, in my mind you are doing the latter.

Sums up what I was going to say.

dark_lady

saffiedale wrote: »

i love you dark lady, i used to be so much tougher. why have i turned to this whimp? recon he is soooo clever? got me where he wants me? his ex wife went off with other men, many of them. now i am starting to understand.. she is still married to the same man after 25yrs. what a fool i am..

And im willing to bet he blamed it all on the ex wife. Then say there is nothing worse than a cheat.

Well my reply to this would be "Yes cheating does break the marriage vows but YOU broke them first.
Many people seem to conveniently forget that "With my body i thee worship" is also a marriage vow.
If YOU dont want intimacy and sex anymore then why dont YOU leave the relationship. A good marriage should include intimacy and sex. Any Christian cleric will tell you that.
And that is what i would say in reply.

dark_lady

saffiedale wrote: »

dark lady, its all so true.... he says that i slag him off to other people too. he is sat in the chair and im on couch, he would never have done that. god im so angry when i look at him. i want to say something to shake the !!!!!! up. i have been like this many many times over the past six years. if i dont get out im gunna go mad.

See he is shifting the blame. This situation is very serious. Ive been looking at other situations like this elsewhere on the net and the emotional and psychological abuse in these situations has driven some women to contemplate suicide. The taboo and the silent rule of "dont tell" has to be broken.

System

Wow

Reading these responses i'm not surprised my ex dumped me. I went from having a sky high sex drive to us doing it once a month (when i'm depressed the last thing i want is sex). He found someone else who gave him sex on tap... i didn't mean to not have sex i just couldn't cope with it (plus its hard to hide your self harm when your naked and exposed)

dark_lady

xXMessedUpXx wrote: »

Wow

Reading these responses i'm not surprised my ex dumped me. I went from having a sky high sex drive to us doing it once a month (when i'm depressed the last thing i want is sex). He found someone else who gave him sex on tap... i didn't mean to not have sex i just couldn't cope with it (plus its hard to hide your self harm when your naked and exposed)

Messed Up thats not your fault hun. That is down to your illness. What i and some others are debating on here is the withholding of intimacy as a form of control. Its a completely different thing. Its not your fault that you were/are ill.

Steel_2

Dark Lady and Saffiedale - you both need to take a chill pill and perhaps start PMing each other. You're taking over and ranting bitterly on someone else's thread. It's intimidating.


Butterfly - you don't need to split up, but you do need to have some form of counselling to help you sort this out before the wedding planning really takes a grip and a lot of money starts being forked out.

If your OH won't go, go yourself and get some more insight into what is happening. If your OH came on here and told us the way he sees things, you might find it's very different from what you think and maybe even what you've been told by him. It might surprise the heck out of you.

Three weeks without sex is not a big deal in the scheme of things, and I think part of the problem is what a big deal it is being blown up to be. He still loves you, but just doesn't have a high sex drive and forcing him to try to have is going to ruin your relationship. Hubby and I have been a couple of months without sex due to illness and tiredness, but we didn't assume the relationship was ruined. Life was just on hold for a bit.

You're going to go through a lot worse when you're married. You may not be able to have sex for a long time after children if the birth is traumatic or you have stitches. One of you may be ill and not able to for months if not years. One of you might be on drugs or depressed and just not feel like it or be physically unable due to drug effects (I know someone who didn't have sex for three years with his wife due to anti-depressives). If I was your OH, these things would be running through my mind.

Your OH screwed up three years ago. He's apologised and your relationship should have moved on, but you won't let it. Leave it be now or there'll be no wedding at all. Stop punishing him over and over and over and over again. I suspect that yes, your checking up on him shows him he's not trusted and that makes him feel like crap and possibly makes him feel very ambivalent towards you. I wouldn't be feeling very frisky with my OH if I thought everything I did was being checked up on and all my sentences were being analysed for possible infractions.

It is unattractive, hurtful and depressing to be honest. And the thought that it could go on for years and years and years after marriage...

YoungBaker

dark_lady wrote: »

Messed Up thats not your fault hun. That is down to your illness. What i and some others are debating on here is the withholding of intimacy as a form of control. Its a completely different thing. Its not your fault that you were/are ill.

Personally I don't think he is with holding it as a form of control - I don't know any sane man with working bits who would do that.

red_devil

Butterflylife wrote: »

We've been together 4 years and live together. And we are at the happiest we've ever been in our relationship. Except one thing that has come up twice now.... The fact that he has a low libido and I don't. And because of this I am scared to initiate incase he rejects.

We have said previously we will make more of an effort and things got better for a while and I didnt worry about being rejected. But it's come up again. He said he loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me, but lately although he gets horny he doesn't want sex with me. He finds me sexy, but just doesn't want to do the deed cos it's 'long and can get boring'. I know we tend to do the same things over and over.

And it's gotten to the point where he is doubting the wedding because he is afraid he can't satisfy me. He said I might get frustrated and go off and find a willing man for sex.

If I give a bit of background, I may come across as a very confident person to ppl, but behind closed doors I'm very insecure, I check his fone and emails and facebook. I know it's wrong and I haven't found one thing he has done wrong in the last 2 years I've been checking. But the reason I check is because 3 years ago he had a one night stand. And it's something I've dealt with but still get insecure about other girls befriending him etc. I know I have to stop checking!!! I think this is not helping my insecurity at all. Weird thing is, I trust that he would never do it again and I'm more worried about other girls flirting with him.

I love him to bits and he has shown he loves me in so many ways. He talks about having kids with me, and gets excited about our future, wedding, honeymoon, holidays, life in general etc. But it's just this sex thing which I think is either a cause of or is causing me to have further insecurity. Ie the less we have sex, the more insecure I feel about my attractiveness and the more I check his stuff and get paranoid and insecure. And in turn this really puts him off as he probs knows I check his stuff but doesnt say anything. He said he finds me most attractive when I love myself and am confident. But my insecurity and consequent moods puts him off.

Can you Pls give me a kick up the bum to stop checking his emails!!! Also help on hOw to spice up our sex life, how to be more confident and hOw to stop things from becoming routine and boring !!!!

I guess what I'm saying is, I'm scared he's gonna get bored of a routine life of marriage, job and kids. We talked about this, and we both know we are both responsible for making life exciting and enjoying our lives together. But I'm scared he will get so bored of me, he'll just leave me...

Thanks for reading my long winded troubles xxxx

what does he mean it might get long and boring. Surely its more boring if you dont do anything?