Getting married next year and our sex life isn't great

saffiedale_2

ciderwithrosie wrote: »

i think these two issues alone will make for a very difficult marriage. I've been married 22 years and we're at that point now where our sex life is non-existant because he 'can't be bothered', and i'm resenting it big time because i still can and want to be bothered. If he'd been like that back before marriage i'd never have gone through with it. That's a long time to spend with someone with very little intimacy.

omg another one...

saffiedale_2

butterflylife wrote: »

nooo lol. I meant as two periods of about a few weeks of no sex. And it being quite obvious that i wanted it and he didnt...

he sounds perfect compared to mine..:a

Butterflylife

Hermia wrote: »

Does he think it's all your fault it's not exciting? Surely, it should be, "what can WE do to spice things up". I'm picturing him as some lazy lump who is just lying there expecting you to make everything perfect and turn him on. If he can't be bothered to make an effort now he won't after marriage.

Haha, that's a funny term..lazy lump.

He's actually been quite down about the whole thing. He thinks something is 'wrong' with him, to cause him not to want sex. He been thinking of ways to get his libido up, and one of them was he use to smoke a lot of ahem...green stuff. Now he's stopped that a while ago. And also stopped self pleasuring, and waiting for me instead.

I think that's one of the reasons why he started to doubt the wedding, because he said he finds me sexy, but just cant understand why he doesnt want sex and then he started to think that something was wrong with the relationship (which is my insecurity!!). I said, is it becos you're not attracted to me anymore? Adn I started getting upset, he said he is still attracted to me. Just he doesnt want sex as often as other guys seem to want it. And he started getting down about why he was different from other men.

Butterflylife

clearing_out_my_pockets wrote: »

In fairness, there are two of you in bed.... If he's finding it boring, HE should do something different. It's difficult for YOU to work out what he wants. I think it sounds like a cop out to me.

My husband checks my messages for me, we check each others facebook accounts and email accounts with the full knowledge of the other. Not for snooping reasons. My ex used to check my phone to see what men had been texting me. Similarly when I was at uni, he gave me the third degree about who I'd spoken to and what I'd been wearing etc. I never once cheated on him, but he was convinced that I had. Towards the end of our relationship, after six years of accusations, I started thinking "he thinks I'm cheating, there's nothing for me to lose if I actually do". That's part of the reason I ended the relationship - because I was tempted to 'prove him right'. The lack of trust was a real issue for us. I distanced myself from him sexually which only made him even more certain I was cheating. The truth was, I didn't want to be intimate with someone who thought so badly of me that my every move needed checking. I'll caveat this by saying, however, that I am female. This isn't necessarily how a bloke would feel in the same scenario

omg you actually sound like OH here. Maybe that's what it is. I do exactly what your ex did, I give him the third degree wheenver I know he's been made friends with a female. Gosh Im gonna drive him away if I dont sort myself out!!!!!!

Butterflylife

saffiedale wrote: »

hi there i can relATE TO WHAT YOUR SAYING, I POSTED ON HERE A FEW WEEKS AGO DUE TO BEING SO DESPERATE. IV BEEN MARRIED FOR 19YR AND THE SEX WAS NEVER FANTASTIC BUT WE HAD TEENAGE KIDS AT HOME ECT. WE HAVE BEEN ON OUR OWN 8YRS AND THE PAST 6 I HAVE GONE THROUGH WHAT YOUR GOING THROUGH TIME AND TIME AGAIN. MY HUBBY HOLDS MY HAND ECT BUT ITS HARD TO FEEL LOVED AND WANTED. IV TRIED THE TALKING ECT AND HE MAKES OUT ITS ME OR NOYHINGS WRONG? I FEEL LIKE IM GOING MAD. MAYBE HE IS BORED WITH ME? WHATS WORSE IS IF THEY DONT TALK. ITS VERY FROSTY BETWEEEN US TWO. I HOPE YOU CAN SORT IT HON. I HAVE TRIED.

Thanks for sharing that. It can be hard. It feels like you are worthless when the other person doesnt return your advances. I feel rejected.

Kay_Peel

Robbie Williams has come out as a man with low libido and is being prescribed testosterone. He's quite open about it. For him , it's not a big deal but he's having medication for his wife's sake and in the hope of conceiving a child (which they both desperately want).

(I thought he was a gay man, actually).

Butterflylife

Kay_Peel wrote: »

Robbie Williams has come out as a man with low libido and is being prescribed testosterone. He's quite open about it. For him , it's not a big deal but he's having medication for his wife's sake and in the hope of conceiving a child (which they both desperately want).

(I thought he was a gay man, actually).

I wondered if this could be the case, but then he said that sometimes he is horny but doesnt want sex? So if his libido was a big problem then why is he still horny? It must be our chemistry..or lack of that is the problem.

Errata

Butterflylife wrote: »

omg you actually sound like OH here. Maybe that's what it is. I do exactly what your ex did, I give him the third degree wheenver I know he's been made friends with a female. Gosh Im gonna drive him away if I dont sort myself out!!!!!!

It sounds like you've already done that.

Darlyd

Hey OP

I could of written your post myself, I am in the exact same position as you. Although we been together for 8 years, married coming up 2 years.

DH has a low drive too, and When I try he just rejects me, I have walked by him in stockings, nope, all sorts.. Then few days later when he feels like it he will come onto me, and of course I give in, because this part is important to make me feel sexy and wanted. I know exactly how you feel. I also have insecurities, few years ago he nearly had an affair, I read the emails, luckily she didn't really want to know, but it could of happened. He also registered with a paid !!!!!! site with an older domineering woman wearing stockings, and this is when our confo about what he liked started, he wanted the woman (me) to lead and wear stockings. So I did when I made the effort, but lately that some times don't work anymore. It's unfair because I feel he being selfish as I have my needs too, I want the man to lead. . I could not say if he was like this before we got married as we had a long distant relationship for 5-6 years and a child together, he came down on the odd weekend 1-2 weekends every 4-6 weeks, and of course we would do it.. I got with him because he was a gentleman, never one to cyber if you get me? ..... All his ex g/f cheated on him, and now I know why. He is also more into the man on top/woman on top mode, I like it other ways, but its always me that has to say and put it in, omg to much info I know.. But I find it very boring, but I don't care if it's boring, it's the taking part that counts.

I don't know what advice to give you, I know my DH is the same as yours with the insecurities, he gives me a kiss and tells me he loves me every day even if I am being a complete !!!!! to him, And I am always wanting to leave, he has his good points, but so many bad points too, and I feel he takes the !!!!, sometimes I feel like his mother/sister.... but I am only like that when he rejects me. 3 times this week already... .. When he has come onto me all horny (in bed) I feel so sexy and great for ages afterwards.. But to me, It feels like its a chore to him.

Do let me know if you find a way... xx

dark_lady

I think the OPs OH is withdrawing intimacy slowly but surely and its a form of control. HE is the controlling one not the OP. Give it a few years and this will be a completely sexless relationship. He has said to her already that he is "frightened" she will go to another man for sex. He is laying the groundwork for a sexless relationship/marriage.
Its obvious that its going to be a case of "I dont want you but i dont want anyone else to have you"
To withdraw intimacy and then place stipulations on it is not only unfair,it is EMOTIONAL ABUSE. To enforce celibacy on someone else and then not want to do anything about it or to turn the blame around on the other person is psychological abuse (which seems to be acceptable to a lot of men in society who seem to always blame the woman for a sexless marriage whether its the man who doesnt want sex or the woman) Men like this arent looking for a wife. They are looking for a housekeeper.
Now i realise OP that it hasnt got this far yet but he is showing the early signs.

I have seen many MANY threads on internet forums like this recently so i did wonder if the OP is a female jounalist doing a feature on sexless marriages and the fact that women always get the blame for it. Im not accusing you of being a jounalist OP but if she is and if she was doing a feature on sexless marriages and the fact that society always blames women for it, then some posters on here have certainly given some responses she would have been looking for!