Getting married next year and our sex life isn't great

YoungBaker

TBH even if my fiance was insecure or checking my emails - I don't think it would stop me having sex with her... lol Maybe thats just cause im a guy with a high sex drive.

Do you know if he is giving himself "self-pleasure"? If so this could also be why he has less of a sex drive when it does come to doing the deed, but I find it hard to believe a young man would be horny but not wanna do it cause its boring...

To be honest I think the problem is lying with him somewhere and not you or your insecurities.

spadoosh

Im a bloke with a pretty low sex drive and my missus is exactly the opposite. she also feels rejected when making her move and i don't show much interest. but to put the shoe on the other foot, almost every morning about 7:30 im well up for it if i gave her a poke then think id get back a lot more than a polite no.

Think you just need to understand that sometimes you want it and others you dont. And trying to find a time when your both eager beavers isn't always that easy.

Its almost impossible to get over an affair, im sure now you say your over it but when something goes wrong is it the first thing you think of? If you have forgiven him you have to trust him untill he breaks that trust, theres no point in having insecurities as it will always have a detremental effect on your relationship and also alot of mind games come in when people have done the dirty which never helps

poorly_scammo

Butterflylife wrote: »

Yeah the fact he is horny and doesnt want me bothered me a whole lot. But when we talked about it further, he said he did actually want me on one occasion a few days ago, but because i got annoyed about something really silly and small and 'stamped my feet' as he put it, it just turned him off completely.

The past 2 months, I've been a bit depressed/down in the dumps about my career, and so I've been moody, down, insecure, clingy and he was brilliant in trying to lift my moods and support me. And this is what got him questioning if getting married is the right thing for us, if im so insecure and also worried he cant satisfy me.

What was this 'silly thing' that you got annoyed about? How did you 'stamp your feet'? In my experience, it takes a lot to stop a man wanting sex. (rollseyes )

Both he not being able to satisfy you thing and the questioning the marriage because you're allegedly insecure sounds like a bit of an excuse to me.

I'm frightfully insecure but my OH accepts that and doesn't use it an excuse to distance himself from me or use it as a stick with which to beat me. Something which seems to be happening here.

Apologies to him if I'm being unfair.

Butterflylife

poorly_scammo wrote: »

What was this 'silly thing' that you got annoyed about? How did you 'stamp your feet'? In my experience, it takes a lot to stop a man wanting sex. (rollseyes )

Both he not being able to satisfy you thing and the questioning the marriage because you're allegedly insecure sounds like a bit of an excuse to me.

I'm frightfully insecure but my OH accepts that and doesn't use it an excuse to distance himself from me or use it as a stick with which to beat me. Something which seems to be happening here.

Apologies to him if I'm being unfair.

Sorry, I think my my posts are quite fragmented and all over the place. Really sorry if it's all jumbled. I'm gonna try and bullet point/summarise the situation:

• A year into our relationship, OH has a one night stand. We had rushed into moving in with each other, and I think he felt I was suffocating him. It was just some girl at a work party, he got very drunk and messed about.
• I have become very very insecure as a result. But he has been very patient, and we've talked everything through millions of times and I'm not as insecure as I use to be. I use to wait up all night into the early hours of the morning if he had a lads night out or working late. Now I dont and trust him when he goes out etc. However, I have this stupid need to check his emails. Not sure what for, as if he was gonna cheat, he'd just do it, as he would have plenty of opportunity outside email and not in it!
• Move 3 years on, we have a brilliant life together, we go on nice holidays, we have fun together, laugh, talk, etc etc. Except this studpid insecurity where I question him everytime he mentions a girl he's met through work, or a girl he's met through a friend of a friend. He meets lots and lots of new ppl all the time through work, and he always tells me about them, but now he says cos of me questioning everything, down to the last detail, he only tells me about the guys he meets. He finds this really restricting. And thinks I'm a bit controlling about it too.
• He says he has always had a low libido. I came out of a long term relationship with a man who wanted sex 5 times a day. So was completely thrown off track by how little my OH wanted sex. When we were dating it was about 3-5 times a week. Now it is about once a week. Sometimes its a few times over 2 days, sometimes it's once in two weeks. But gennerally once a week.
• This is the second time there has been a lull in the sex, where its been 3 weeks with no sex. Lots of cuddling and hugging, but no sex. Not even me in my hot pink thong will get him going.
• I've been really down in teh dumps the last 2 months. Questioning him about this new girl that's started working at his office. And i started to feel really insecure and inadeqauate. He really tried his best to boost my self esteem and cheer me up and make me feel special. But the more i questioned, he started getting impatient and we started arguing because he just couldnt see why i had such a problem with this girl. I mean he says he understands why, but says nice things like "I love you for who you are, not what you think you should be".
• Then he started getting down in the dumps, worrying that he'll never make me happy, and that il never stop being so insecure, and that he doesnt want to be questioned about every single girl for the rest of his life. This is the one thing he dreads, that I will continue to punish myself and him for the rest of our lives. If i dont move on, then we cant move on.
• So this is happening over the last 2 months.
• So then we get to the last few weeks where hes been sexually distant from me. I come back from meeting a friend for one drink, I'm happy, feeling great, dressed nicely, smelling nicely and this turns him on. and he tells me. Then I go and spoil it but getting really really annoyed with him cos he couldnt take a nice picture of me. It kept coming out blurred and i looked horrible in them. I know it sounds really STUPID and petty. But I was just annoyed and thinking he's not putting in any effort. And then he just goes to bed with his back turned.
• I ask him whats up, and he just says that he thinks the reason I'm always moody and irritable is because he doesnt satisfy me. I said its not that. I'm irritable, cos I can be horrible like that sometimes. Then he says, he doesnt give me enough sex and that last night he was horny but didnt want sex with me cos I put him off. And that sometimes he just doesnt feel like sex, even though he can sense that I do because it's boring sometimes. It's the same routine. And I dont do anything to make it exciting. And cos I'm always (well the last 2 months) questioning him and getting jealous, it's making him unsettled in the relationship.
• And this is why he mentioned, that these issues made him doubt if he is the right person for me. i.e. i find someone with higher sex drive and start afresh with someone who hasnt cheatd on me so i wont be insecure. But i think hes wrong, i can see myself questioning the next person too. Argh this is driving me crazy! Has anyone managed to get over their insecurity?? And how??

Well I have tried to include everything. I hope this makes the picture clearer for everyone. I'm at work, so trying to multitask is getting a bit hard lol.

I think those that mentioned the two issues are right. My insecurity and the boring sex making us both feel inadequate.

Thanks for taking the time to read..if you've gotten this far!

duchy

This sounds quite manipulative
He with-held sex because you got annoyed over something ?

What kind of man tells the woman he loves he can't be bothered having sex with her-especially knowing she's insecure ?

Does he quite like the fact that you get jealous about the possibility of other women ?

Sounds like he's using sex as a weapon sometimes

I think a trip to Reate so you can both get all and any resentments out in the open would be a really good idea

Butterflylife

duchy wrote: »

This sounds quite manipulative
He with-held sex because you got annoyed over something ?

What kind of man tells the woman he loves he can't be bothered having sex with her-especially knowing she's insecure ?

Does he quite like the fact that you get jealous about the possibility of other women ?

Sounds like he's using sex as a weapon sometimes

I think a trip to Reate so you can both get all and any resentments out in the open would be a really good idea

I don't think he purposely withheld the sex, he told me it was because seeing me 'stamp my feet' over somethign so small, just turned him off completely. We still talked in bed a bit about our day and kissed goodnight, but when i say turned his back, I kinda meant that figuretively. Sorry I'm not very good at explaining myself!

I dont think he likes me getting jealous at all! He really dislikes it. He knows i am inseucre about other woman, but he would love for one day for us to be able to go to a party, me go of to the loo and come back and even if he is there chatting to another woman, and especially if she is attractive and they are laughing together or something, for me not to get upset/insecure and question everything they just talked about. He said that is something that really upseting for him, but he knows its all his fault and he wishes he could turn back time, but for us to be free in love we need to trust each other.

But I think you're right though in a sense, he could be more sensitive to my insecurities. But Im worried, after 3 years, he's getting a bit fed up of it.

You're right, I think i really need to look into relate. Is it expensive?

thegirlintheattic

No sex for 3 weeks doesn't seem a massive deal.

It sounds like there are lots of issues - depression, insecurity, petty arguments.

Speak to a counsellor, speak to each other.

Idiophreak

Tish_P wrote: »

And yes, stop checking his emails, and admit to him you did it and apologise so he can change his passwords or beef up his security. Nobody should be being spied on in a relationship.

Personally, I think quite the opposite. I'm amazed when people "confess" to "snooping" in their spouse's emails...I just don't think there's a place for passwords in a marriage...What chance does it stand when there's so little openness?

I check my wife's emails quite frequently, often by accident, sometimes if I'm waiting for something - and she checks mine. Hell, my email's on my google homepage, so it pops up every time she opens a web browser. She uses my phone the whole time, I use hers. We often read each others' messages to them if they're driving etc. Both of our facebooks are logged in all the time, so we tend to just use whichever one's nearest a lot of the time...I've changed my password once to stop her having access in the eleven years we've been together - because I didn't want her to find out about a Christmas present. And I told her that's why I'd changed it.

OP, maybe you need to fess up to your OH about your snooping ways and make it clear that you want 100% openness for your reassurance. If you remove the taboo nature of checking his email, you'll realise soon enough that there's nothing going on and you'll start to trust him much easier. Having passwords etc just makes it seem "secret", which is going to make things worse.

Of course, if he's playing around, he'll be using an address you don't know about, anyway - so one way or another you have to accept that this snooping's a complete waste of time and energy...

Butterflylife

thegirlintheattic wrote: »

No sex for 3 weeks doesn't seem a massive deal.

It sounds like there are lots of issues - depression, insecurity, petty arguments.

Speak to a counsellor, speak to each other.

Yep I have a lot of insecurity issues.

Kay_Peel

Your Oh finds your insecurities and jealousy deeply unattractive. He feels that no matter what he does, he will never convince you that there is no-one else in his life. In future he will probably stop mentioning any women colleagues, and he won't feel able to talk freely. That is another recipe for disaster.

He doubts whether getting married is a good idea and he may well be right. Sorry to be blunt but there's nothing worse than being stuck with a jealous, controlling, bitter and unbalanced partner. I think you need to sort out your head with a professional counsellor (you may have a lot of baggage from childhood and later life) rather than getting views on a forum.