Getting married next year and our sex life isn't great

dark_lady

Butterflylife wrote: »

Just reading this has just reminded me of something that put him off having sex with me a few days ago. It was just because I 'stamped' my feet about something trivial. It was also because I questioned this girl that was in his office cos she was hanging about after work with another guy and OH in the same office waaayy after she finished work and I (being the insecure idiot) questioned why she was there. And he said "you really have a problem with her don't you?" And to be truthful, this girl has been nothing but really nice with me and we are actually very friendly with each other. But i couldnt stand her hanging about after work ..it was as if I was scared she was only hanging about cos OH was there. As she left just before OH finished work. And this was probably why I was moody about OH not taking my photo properly.

I think you're soo right, I need to change my behaviour. I just react too quickly and not think about what I'm doing. I need to stop questioning him. I need to stop pulling faces when I dont like something he's done. Because the days where I feel secure and confident are teh days that are most amazing and we are most loving.

Thanks for sharing

edited to add - just checked we have a EAP scheme here too!! Ok I'm gonna look into it now! Thanks!!

My God hes got you exactly where he wants you. You have given in very easily. Almost too easily!!!

saffiedale_2

dark_lady wrote: »

bernie115 and saffiedale have just posted two examples of their partners shifting the blame back to them.

I have no doubt in my mind that if the OP had been posting as a man whose female partner didnt want sex he would have gotten an outpouring of sympathy and got advised to go elsewhere for it but women get told to try harder and do what HE wants.

Have the subliminal messages from the celebrity/WAG culture really fried peoples brains this much. Has this culture that we live in today sent feminism spiralling backwards.

Think about it. We see WAGS and wives of celebs putting up with and going back to cheating husbands and the subliminal messages given to young women today is to put up with it because what the man wants is more important.

The book Living Dolls by Natasha Walter is a good example of this.

dark lady, its all so true.... he says that i slag him off to other people too. he is sat in the chair and im on couch, he would never have done that. god im so angry when i look at him. i want to say something to shake the !!!!!! up. i have been like this many many times over the past six years. if i dont get out im gunna go mad.

saffiedale_2

my ex hubby was a cheat and i never put up with that. why do i put up with a sexless marriage?

dark_lady

Allan_r_123 wrote: »

Sorry but I strongly disagree. I think if I had to come on here and post how much I want sex but my gf wasn't giving me it I would probably get a lot of heckling from women telling me to leave her the hell alone and be grateful for what she gives me...

(For the record though I do not have that problem, but I disagree that men would be told just to go elsewhere - and if you have actually even read any of this thread you'll find nearly all replies have told the OP to leave her fiance and actually go elsewhere herself.

And that is the problem in society. Cant you see? Your first paragragh shows that there is still a mistaken belief in society that women dont or shouldnt like sex and should just "lie back and think of England". It is because of these beliefs that society thinks its ok to withhold intimacy and sex from women because we dont really like it anyway right???!!!!

saffiedale_2

dark_lady wrote: »

And that is the problem in society. Cant you see? Your first paragragh shows that there is still a mistaken belief in society that women dont or shouldnt like sex and should just "lie back and think of England". It is because of these beliefs that society thinks its ok to withhold intimacy and sex from women because we dont really like it anyway right???!!!!

id be happy to compromise to have a sex life. im 52 and im not ready to give in yet. lol

saffiedale_2

dark_lady wrote: »

And that is the problem in society. Cant you see? Your first paragragh shows that there is still a mistaken belief in society that women dont or shouldnt like sex and should just "lie back and think of England". It is because of these beliefs that society thinks its ok to withhold intimacy and sex from women because we dont really like it anyway right???!!!!

i love you dark lady, i used to be so much tougher. why have i turned to this whimp? recon he is soooo clever? got me where he wants me? his ex wife went off with other men, many of them. now i am starting to understand.. she is still married to the same man after 25yrs. what a fool i am..

QuackQuackOops

Butterflylife wrote: »

In reply to the suggestions of counselling, I think I'm gonna definitely look into that. I've tried so hard to be more secure,and I know I have gone a long way in forgiving him and moving past that. We both agree that besides my insecurity, and the sex, our relationship is pretty much special and amazing.

He is always telling me he loves me, how beautiful I look, how he only has eyes for me, how I'm the one, he'll buy me flowers, plant me flowers, buy me little chocs..all the little things. So everything is brilliant here. I'm the one who is holding myself back from just being free from insecurities.

Love, you will never feel secure with this man.
He cheated on you and that has damaged the relationship to start with so now, since his one night stand, everytime he says "Not tonight sweetheart. Im tired" you feel a pang of insecurity and the questions sit in your mind and chip away at you. Am I attractive? Why doesnt he want sex with me? Is he cheating again? He says Im gorgeous yet doesnt want sex, why?
Those questions will not go away. They will never go away to a satisfactory level and you are kiding yourself thinking they will.

You dont want to split up and start all over again..thats like too much hard work but it is exactly what you ought to do.

You will never feel happy and secure with this man.

By the way. It isnt up to anyone to make you happy. You have to make yourself happy before anyone else will.

Darlyd

saffiedale wrote: »

i love you dark lady, i used to be so much tougher. why have i turned to this whimp? recon he is soooo clever? got me where he wants me? his ex wife went off with other men, many of them. now i am starting to understand.. she is still married to the same man after 25yrs. what a fool i am..

My ex was a sex monster, was always on tap, 10 times a day with me was not enough, he had to go elsewhere too, hence why he is my ex. DH now is just zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...

I can't see it as being in control on their behalf though, I dunno.

I have just explained to DH about this thread, how I could of written this myself, and told him of some replies about control, he denies it, and says its just not the right time when I want it.

So I dunno, I am so frustrated I could scream....

Have you ever laid next to him with a toy? I have and he does not even flinch... :eek: Its so bad....

C_Mababejive

darlyd wrote: »

My ex was a sex monster, was always on tap, 10 times a day with me was not enough, he had to go elsewhere too, hence why he is my ex. DH now is just zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...

I can't see it as being in control on their behalf though, I dunno.

I have just explained to DH about this thread, how I could of written this myself, and told him of some replies about control, he denies it, and says its just not the right time when I want it.

So I dunno, I am so frustrated I could scream....

Have you ever laid next to him with a toy? I have and he does not even flinch... :eek: Its so bad....

And what time do you generally..ermm..want it?

Darlyd

C_Mababejive wrote: »

And what time do you generally..ermm..want it?

At the Moment atleast 3 times a week, instead its 1-2 times a month. :eek:

OK he kisses me before he leaves for work in the morning 5am, and tells me he loves me, even if we argue, and we might hold hands when out, and we do have cuddles etc, BUT the sex, touching bums, winking, all those things that make a woman feel special, to me is important.

I feel like utter !!!!.