Getting married next year and our sex life isn't great

poorly_scammo

Butterflylife wrote: »

Not even me in my hot pink thong will get him going.

Sorry but :rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:

Definitely need to talk more to each other; perhaps counselling as others have said.

dark_lady

darlyd wrote: »

Hey OP

I could of written your post myself, I am in the exact same position as you. Although we been together for 8 years, married coming up 2 years.

DH has a low drive too, and When I try he just rejects me, I have walked by him in stockings, nope, all sorts.. Then few days later when he feels like it he will come onto me, and of course I give in, because this part is important to make me feel sexy and wanted. I know exactly how you feel. I also have insecurities, few years ago he nearly had an affair, I read the emails, luckily she didn't really want to know, but it could of happened. He also registered with a paid !!!!!! site with an older domineering woman wearing stockings, and this is when our confo about what he liked started, he wanted the woman (me) to lead and wear stockings. So I did when I made the effort, but lately that some times don't work anymore. It's unfair because I feel he being selfish as I have my needs too, I want the man to lead. . I could not say if he was like this before we got married as we had a long distant relationship for 5-6 years and a child together, he came down on the odd weekend 1-2 weekends every 4-6 weeks, and of course we would do it.. I got with him because he was a gentleman, never one to cyber if you get me? ..... All his ex g/f cheated on him, and now I know why. He is also more into the man on top/woman on top mode, I like it other ways, but its always me that has to say and put it in, omg to much info I know.. But I find it very boring, but I don't care if it's boring, it's the taking part that counts.

I don't know what advice to give you, I know my DH is the same as yours with the insecurities, he gives me a kiss and tells me he loves me every day even if I am being a complete !!!!! to him, And I am always wanting to leave, he has his good points, but so many bad points too, and I feel he takes the !!!!, sometimes I feel like his mother/sister.... but I am only like that when he rejects me. 3 times this week already... .. When he has come onto me all horny (in bed) I feel so sexy and great for ages afterwards.. But to me, It feels like its a chore to him.

Do let me know if you find a way... xx

Darlyd he is doing this as a form of control. So he gets it when he wants it but when you want it,he doesnt. He probably gets off on the idea of thinking of you lying there panting for it and not caring about your needs. Frankly its sick.

Kay_Peel

darlyd wrote: »

Hey OP

But I find it very boring, but I don't care if it's boring, it's the taking part that counts.

Priceless phrase, that.:rotfl:I shall store that up for a wedding speech.

bernie115

Hi Butterflylife - i didn't want to read and run but I would suggest going for counselling yourself first. Although you come across as saying that you are moreorless over the 1 night stand - I don't think you can be -not 100%

I have been very insecure in my marriage and after many rows - i went for counselling myself (only went for about 4 sessions) because after these - i realised it wasn't all my fault - it was partly down to my hubby as well only he could never see that. I told the counseller exactly how i was feeling, gave her scenarios etc and she talked them through rationally with me. There were moments when i broke down in front of her but on the whole i felt much better. When i used to return home from these sessions i didn't want to discuss them with hubby but finally he persuaded me to open up - i did and he accused me of using these sessions to have a moan about him and slag him off etc and not to discuss my own issues etc - Unbelievable.

What these sessions did for me was to give me a realisation of things and gave me clearer pictures. I was insecure, didn't like myself very much, moody - up & down etc - always questioning my other half about conversations he was having with women etc. The minute i stopped behaving like this (and it didn't happen overnight) - i was more 'attractive' to him and in turn I found his behaviour changed too. I'm not saying this is exactly like your scenario but i liked myself a lot better after talking to a stranger and felt i could deal with things alot better. hope all this makes sense.

By the way, i got my 6 week counselling free through my work EAP scheme (all confidential) - you could check with your HR to see if your firm has one. Good luck

saffiedale_2

darlyd wrote: »

hey op

i could of written your post myself, i am in the exact same position as you. Although we been together for 8 years, married coming up 2 years.

Dh has a low drive too, and when i try he just rejects me, i have walked by him in stockings, nope, all sorts.. Then few days later when he feels like it he will come onto me, and of course i give in, because this part is important to make me feel sexy and wanted. I know exactly how you feel. I also have insecurities, few years ago he nearly had an affair, i read the emails, luckily she didn't really want to know, but it could of happened. He also registered with a paid !!!!!! site with an older domineering woman wearing stockings, and this is when our confo about what he liked started, he wanted the woman (me) to lead and wear stockings. So i did when i made the effort, but lately that some times don't work anymore. It's unfair because i feel he being selfish as i have my needs too, i want the man to lead. . I could not say if he was like this before we got married as we had a long distant relationship for 5-6 years and a child together, he came down on the odd weekend 1-2 weekends every 4-6 weeks, and of course we would do it.. I got with him because he was a gentleman, never one to cyber if you get me? ..... All his ex g/f cheated on him, and now i know why. He is also more into the man on top/woman on top mode, i like it other ways, but its always me that has to say and put it in, omg to much info i know.. But i find it very boring, but i don't care if it's boring, it's the taking part that counts.

I don't know what advice to give you, i know my dh is the same as yours with the insecurities, he gives me a kiss and tells me he loves me every day even if i am being a complete !!!!! To him, and i am always wanting to leave, he has his good points, but so many bad points too, and i feel he takes the !!!!, sometimes i feel like his mother/sister.... But i am only like that when he rejects me. 3 times this week already... .. When he has come onto me all horny (in bed) i feel so sexy and great for ages afterwards.. But to me, it feels like its a chore to him.

Do let me know if you find a way... Xx

i too feel happy if ever he made the effort. Dont take alot to make us happy. I have also said i dont feel like a wife, stamp my feet, want out ect. But all we realy want is to feel loved. We are not tealy talking and i want to scream. He tries to make out that in some way i dont like him? Well he is making me that way.

saffiedale_2

dark_lady wrote: »

Darlyd he is doing this as a form of control. So he gets it when he wants it but when you want it,he doesnt. He probably gets off on the idea of thinking of you lying there panting for it and not caring about your needs. Frankly its sick.

thats so weird that you say its control? i was told that about my hubby, does he think that it is the only thing he can withhold from me and why ruin your marriage for that? he knows that when we have made love that it seems so perfect in this house. i dont want to eat, feel anxious cuz i know what he is doing to me but i feel worse for ending it. also he said there is nothing worse than a peson that cheats. i never have but feel like it. i want the love and affection. dont all of us?

Butterflylife

bernie115 wrote: »

Hi Butterflylife - i didn't want to read and run but I would suggest going for counselling yourself first. Although you come across as saying that you are moreorless over the 1 night stand - I don't think you can be -not 100%

I have been very insecure in my marriage and after many rows - i went for counselling myself (only went for about 4 sessions) because after these - i realised it wasn't all my fault - it was partly down to my hubby as well only he could never see that. I told the counseller exactly how i was feeling, gave her scenarios etc and she talked them through rationally with me. There were moments when i broke down in front of her but on the whole i felt much better. When i used to return home from these sessions i didn't want to discuss them with hubby but finally he persuaded me to open up - i did and he accused me of using these sessions to have a moan about him and slag him off etc and not to discuss my own issues etc - Unbelievable.

What these sessions did for me was to give me a realisation of things and gave me clearer pictures. I was insecure, didn't like myself very much, moody - up & down etc - always questioning my other half about conversations he was having with women etc. The minute i stopped behaving like this (and it didn't happen overnight) - i was more 'attractive' to him and in turn I found his behaviour changed too. I'm not saying this is exactly like your scenario but i liked myself a lot better after talking to a stranger and felt i could deal with things alot better. hope all this makes sense.

By the way, i got my 6 week counselling free through my work EAP scheme (all confidential) - you could check with your HR to see if your firm has one. Good luck

Just reading this has just reminded me of something that put him off having sex with me a few days ago. It was just because I 'stamped' my feet about something trivial. It was also because I questioned this girl that was in his office cos she was hanging about after work with another guy and OH in the same office waaayy after she finished work and I (being the insecure idiot) questioned why she was there. And he said "you really have a problem with her don't you?" And to be truthful, this girl has been nothing but really nice with me and we are actually very friendly with each other. But i couldnt stand her hanging about after work ..it was as if I was scared she was only hanging about cos OH was there. As she left just before OH finished work. And this was probably why I was moody about OH not taking my photo properly.

I think you're soo right, I need to change my behaviour. I just react too quickly and not think about what I'm doing. I need to stop questioning him. I need to stop pulling faces when I dont like something he's done. Because the days where I feel secure and confident are teh days that are most amazing and we are most loving.

Thanks for sharing

edited to add - just checked we have a EAP scheme here too!! Ok I'm gonna look into it now! Thanks!!

C_Mababejive

No..dont get married. Split up and go your separate ways.

I know you wont...but do it now or do it in a couple of years. you choose.

dark_lady

bernie115 and saffiedale have just posted two examples of their partners shifting the blame back to them.

I have no doubt in my mind that if the OP had been posting as a man whose female partner didnt want sex he would have gotten an outpouring of sympathy and got advised to go elsewhere for it but women get told to try harder and do what HE wants.

Have the subliminal messages from the celebrity/WAG culture really fried peoples brains this much. Has this culture that we live in today sent feminism spiralling backwards.

Think about it. We see WAGS and wives of celebs putting up with and going back to cheating husbands and the subliminal messages given to young women today is to put up with it because what the man wants is more important.

The book Living Dolls by Natasha Walter is a good example of this.

YoungBaker

dark_lady wrote: »

bernie115 and saffiedale have just posted two examples of their partners shifting the blame back to them.

I have no doubt in my mind that if the OP had been posting as a man whose female partner didnt want sex he would have gotten an outpouring of sympathy and got advised to go elsewhere for it but women get told to try harder and do what HE wants.

Have the subliminal messages from the celebrity/WAG culture really fried peoples brains this much. Has this culture that we live in today sent feminism spiralling backwards.

Think about it. We see WAGS and wives of celebs putting up with and going back to cheating husbands and the subliminal messages given to young women today is to put up with it because what the man wants is more important.

The book Living Dolls by Natasha Walter is a good example of this.

Sorry but I strongly disagree. I think if I had to come on here and post how much I want sex but my gf wasn't giving me it I would probably get a lot of heckling from women telling me to leave her the hell alone and be grateful for what she gives me...

(For the record though I do not have that problem, but I disagree that men would be told just to go elsewhere - and if you have actually even read any of this thread you'll find nearly all replies have told the OP to leave her fiance and actually go elsewhere herself.