Getting married next year and our sex life isn't great

YoungBaker

Steel wrote: »

Dark Lady and Saffiedale - you both need to take a chill pill and perhaps start PMing each other. You're taking over and ranting bitterly on someone else's thread. It's intimidating.


Butterfly - you don't need to split up, but you do need to have some form of counselling to help you sort this out before the wedding planning really takes a grip and a lot of money starts being forked out.

If your OH won't go, go yourself and get some more insight into what is happening. If your OH came on here and told us the way he sees things, you might find it's very different from what you think and maybe even what you've been told by him. It might surprise the heck out of you.

Three weeks without sex is not a big deal in the scheme of things, and I think part of the problem is what a big deal it is being blown up to be. He still loves you, but just doesn't have a high sex drive and forcing him to try to have is going to ruin your relationship. Hubby and I have been a couple of months without sex due to illness and tiredness, but we didn't assume the relationship was ruined. Life was just on hold for a bit.

You're going to go through a lot worse when you're married. You may not be able to have sex for a long time after children if the birth is traumatic or you have stitches. One of you may be ill and not able to for months if not years. One of you might be on drugs or depressed and just not feel like it or be physically unable due to drug effects (I know someone who didn't have sex for three years with his wife due to anti-depressives). If I was your OH, these things would be running through my mind.

Your OH screwed up three years ago. He's apologised and your relationship should have moved on, but you won't let it. Leave it be now or there'll be no wedding at all. Stop punishing him over and over and over and over again. I suspect that yes, your checking up on him shows him he's not trusted and that makes him feel like crap and possibly makes him feel very ambivalent towards you. I wouldn't be feeling very frisky with my OH if I thought everything I did was being checked up on and all my sentences were being analysed for possible infractions.

It is unattractive, hurtful and depressing to be honest. And the thought that it could go on for years and years and years after marriage...

Very well said.

I think this thread has turned into some sort of "woman burn your bras" thing with debates about how society now deem women should just sit back and have sex as and when their husband requires.

Ultimatlely as you say that is not the issue here.

I find it sad that so many people are simply disregarding the issue here and telling the OP simply to leave her fiance. I ask you - consider yourself in her position in which you had spent many years with a man you loved and then you come here looking for advice on how to work on her insecurities and her husbands low labido and you are all telling her just to throw her relationship away?

Personally - as Steel had said there will likely be several times in your relationship in which you go for periods without sex which is perfectly normal. In addition, not all people do have a great sex drive anyway - as a guy I have mates who have low sex drives too and have told me they dont mind not getting sex all the time. Everyone is different, and as other guys have said in this thread it is all about compromise and working between you both.

I think you said you were previously in a relationship where sex was wanted a lot? But even still, as has been shown by others - if you get a relationship like that what if you can't give enough and he looks elsewhere? You should be thankful you have a man who trully loves you and wants to spend his life with you - despite your great insecurities, and should start focussing on how you can work together to improve your sex life and begin your marriage.

saffiedale_2

darlyd wrote: »

At the Moment atleast 3 times a week, instead its 1-2 times a month. :eek:

OK he kisses me before he leaves for work in the morning 5am, and tells me he loves me, even if we argue, and we might hold hands when out, and we do have cuddles etc, BUT the sex, touching bums, winking, all those things that make a woman feel special, to me is important.

I feel like utter !!!!.

hey mines been 4 times in past year. everything you are saying is happening to me. holding hands ect. god we all are saying the same things.

Tish_P

I'm more confused about why there is such a desire to save the relationship at the expense of the happiness of the people in it! They've been together four years. That's not actually all that long, unless you compare it to the expected length of a marriage between two people who don't trust each other, have differing sex drives, and are already unsure of the relationship when they walk down the aisle.

You should be thankful you have a man who trully loves you and wants to spend his life with you

I disagree! At least, I disagree that this alone should be enough to make the OP feel lucky or grateful. It's lovely when people are happy together and want to be together forever; I wish people wishing to take that step all the best, and I hope everyone who wants to find that in their life does so. But what would be the point of commitment without compatibility or mutual joy? The OP and her chap should be thankful to have each other only if the relationship makes them both happy and fulfilled. If it is worth working at, they should start working at it and postpone the wedding until such time as they are both sure of themselves. If not, they should go their separate ways and free each other to find happiness.

saffiedale_2

dark_lady wrote: »

And that is the problem in society. Cant you see? Your first paragragh shows that there is still a mistaken belief in society that women dont or shouldnt like sex and should just "lie back and think of England". It is because of these beliefs that society thinks its ok to withhold intimacy and sex from women because we dont really like it anyway right???!!!!

i thought we all had a right to talk on here. they must be getting plenty? we have been told. lol. i do agree that it wernt our posts but then these problems can end up like mine. we just hope that they can sort it before it gets into 19yrs later.

saffiedale_2

dark_lady wrote: »

Messed Up thats not your fault hun. That is down to your illness. What i and some others are debating on here is the withholding of intimacy as a form of control. Its a completely different thing. Its not your fault that you were/are ill.

i also agree that any of us can have problems, like what was said, illness, childbirth. depression, medication. but we never think about sex when these things happen. and i also have alot of health problems. but it is when it goes on for so long it drags you down. and when im in pain i could never dream of having sex. and if my hubby was ill my worry would be for him. it becomes a problem when it is witheld and you get the blame. so sorry if anyone was upset by my joining in. i ment no harm, just wanted to say how bad it can get. x

euronorris

Butterflylife wrote: »

omg you actually sound like OH here. Maybe that's what it is. I do exactly what your ex did, I give him the third degree wheenver I know he's been made friends with a female. Gosh Im gonna drive him away if I dont sort myself out!!!!!!

I also think that this is a much bigger part of the problem, which is having a knock on effect.

So much so, that I actually think you would be better pushing the sex thing to one side for the time being, and concentrating on the other, bigger issues with your OH.

I really think that once the other issues start to improve, his sex drive will also start to increase.

However, please be aware that if he has a low sex drive then he has a low sex drive. You can either accept that as it is, rather than assuming you're unattractive etc, or you should find someone else who's drive matches yours better. My OH has a much higher sex drive than me (we do it 4/5 times a week and I'm still told that's too little!) and it infuriates me when I am accused of not finding him attractive! It has nothing to do with that. I just have a low sex drive! End of! To me, that would be like me saying to him 'You're sex drive is too high! You're obviously a sex pest and wanting to sleep with every woman you see!'. Which I know isn't true. He just has a higher drive than me!

Of course, there are other things that affect sex drive, so you should only be concerned if there is a marked difference, for a prolonged period (3 weeks isn't prolonged by the way). And, when there is a change, it doesn't necessarily mean he finds you unattractive or is sleeping with someone else. SO many things affect sex drive, and they affect people in different ways. OH is feeling down, his drive goes up (even higher! :eek:), whereas I do the opposite. Lately, we've had issues within both of our families that have left us feeling low, and highlighting the difference between our drives. However, if you are both prepared to give a little on both sides, you'll get through it (ie, for you it will mean pleasuring yourself more often and for him, it will mean making the effort more often).

Most importantly, please don't give up on your relationship until you have tried to work through the other issues. You may regret it.

dark_lady

saffiedale wrote: »

i also agree that any of us can have problems, like what was said, illness, childbirth. depression, medication. but we never think about sex when these things happen. and i also have alot of health problems. but it is when it goes on for so long it drags you down. and when im in pain i could never dream of having sex. and if my hubby was ill my worry would be for him. it becomes a problem when it is witheld and you get the blame. so sorry if anyone was upset by my joining in. i ment no harm, just wanted to say how bad it can get. x

Saffiedale i think a lot of people arent ready to hear this side of things yet. Note how someone said that a woman should be grateful to have a man that loves her. But you never hear that a man should be grateful that a woman loves him.
I really dont think that society in general is ready to face the fact that in some cases some people are simply asexual.
The popular consensus is that "men are always up for it" and that they think about sex all the time.
Not true but they are happy to keep the myth going because then a subject like this can more easily be swept under the carpet.Or in some cases take the easy way out by blaming the woman.
Looking at some of the posts that have appeared in the last few hours people are not ready to face this yet and they certainly dont want to believe it.
As for Saffiedale and i being accused of taking this thread over well that speaks volumes in itself.
We broke the golden rule of a woman experiencing enforced celibacy Saffiedale. We broke the golden rule of "dont tell".

Lotus-eater

dark_lady wrote: »

Saffiedale i think a lot of people arent ready to hear this side of things yet. Note how someone said that a woman should be grateful to have a man that loves her. But you never hear that a man should be grateful that a woman loves him.
I really dont think that society in general is ready to face the fact that in some cases some people are simply asexual.
The popular consensus is that "men are always up for it" and that they think about sex all the time.
Not true but they are happy to keep the myth going because then a subject like this can more easily be swept under the carpet.Or in some cases take the easy way out by blaming the woman.
Looking at some of the posts that have appeared in the last few hours people are not ready to face this yet and they certainly dont want to believe it.
As for Saffiedale and i being accused of taking this thread over well that speaks volumes in itself.
We broke the golden rule of a woman experiencing enforced celibacy Saffiedale. We broke the golden rule of "dont tell".

That's just silly.
There are no differences between men and women when it comes to "enforced celibacy", both are the same.

And of course if you believe a man should be grateful that he has a woman that loves him, sex or no sex, then a women should be the same the other way round.

You seem to be making it into a woman against men thing, which it isn't, it doesn't matter what sex people are. They've been plenty of women on this thread and on the forum saying they don't get enough sex from their partner. No golden rule about not telling here.
Maybe it's just men talk about it more. But I don't think you will get many men admitting that he has only made love to his wife 3 times in a year, his choice......... or hers.
And why is that, perhaps because society would look down on him. Women would look down on him. How is that different to your "code of silence"?

You seem to be able to quote myths and consensuses about external life, but they don't show up on here and it is here we are talking about.

If some people are asexual, then they get no feelings from sex, there aren't many people like that, men or women, just people who have a low sex drive and there's plenty of those out there.

saffiedale_2

dark_lady wrote: »

Saffiedale i think a lot of people arent ready to hear this side of things yet. Note how someone said that a woman should be grateful to have a man that loves her. But you never hear that a man should be grateful that a woman loves him.
I really dont think that society in general is ready to face the fact that in some cases some people are simply asexual.
The popular consensus is that "men are always up for it" and that they think about sex all the time.
Not true but they are happy to keep the myth going because then a subject like this can more easily be swept under the carpet.Or in some cases take the easy way out by blaming the woman.
Looking at some of the posts that have appeared in the last few hours people are not ready to face this yet and they certainly dont want to believe it.
As for Saffiedale and i being accused of taking this thread over we
We broke the golden rule of a woman experiencing enforced celibacy Saffiedale. We broke the golden rule of "dont tell".

all i can say is i have tied talking and talking but it dont work for me? i never go on about it anymore i just get more hurt as each day passes.

Lotus-eater

saffiedale wrote: »

all i can say is i have tied talking and talking but it dont work for me? i never go on about it anymore i just get more hurt as each day passes.

If you're happy to stay there like that, then do, you can't force someone to have a higher sexual drive. It just doesn't work like that.

There are things you could do, you could let it be known that you are looking after yourself, as you just need it.
You joked somewhere else about getting a sex buddy, well tbh, 3 times in a year would have me looking for one as well and telling my OH that as well, seriously, if she would stay while I did it, it might work, if she wouldn't, then we sort it out and do something about the situation.... or there is no relationship I would be happy in.

You do have choices, you just have to choose to do something for yourself.