Getting married next year and our sex life isn't great

Butterflylife

Idiophreak wrote: »

Personally, I think quite the opposite. I'm amazed when people "confess" to "snooping" in their spouse's emails...I just don't think there's a place for passwords in a marriage...What chance does it stand when there's so little openness?

I check my wife's emails quite frequently, often by accident, sometimes if I'm waiting for something - and she checks mine. Hell, my email's on my google homepage, so it pops up every time she opens a web browser. She uses my phone the whole time, I use hers. We often read each others' messages to them if they're driving etc. Both of our facebooks are logged in all the time, so we tend to just use whichever one's nearest a lot of the time...I've changed my password once to stop her having access in the eleven years we've been together - because I didn't want her to find out about a Christmas present. And I told her that's why I'd changed it.

OP, maybe you need to fess up to your OH about your snooping ways and make it clear that you want 100% openness for your reassurance. If you remove the taboo nature of checking his email, you'll realise soon enough that there's nothing going on and you'll start to trust him much easier. Having passwords etc just makes it seem "secret", which is going to make things worse.

Of course, if he's playing around, he'll be using an address you don't know about, anyway - so one way or another you have to accept that this snooping's a complete waste of time and energy...

It's funny you mention that, cos that's exactly what OH does. I use his laptop alot when im at home as mine is broken. And his facebook and email are his homepages with the password saved so I have complete access to it anyways. He says he has absolutely nothing to hide, and he knows i can see it anyways. What he cant stand, is me purposely snooping in secret and reading his emails for the purpose of trying to catch him out. And deleting girls email addresses. I know i know this is bad - i did this when I found out he cheated on me. I went mental. I know what I do is wrong. But it's like im itching to do it, just to see if any girls have emailed him. Its utter madness,..cos not once have I seen an inappropriate email from him to anyone. He says i need to respect his privacy, and i have no right to go into his email to just read stuff. He has nothing to hide, and thats why he leaves them open, but just because its open doesnt mean i can sit there and read unread emails or what he's sent to his friends.

I really like the fact you guys are so open like that.

The more i write, the more I sound like a complete nightmare!

Butterflylife

Kay_Peel wrote: »

Your Oh finds your insecurities and jealousy deeply unattractive. He feels that no matter what he does, he will never convince you that there is no-one else in his life. In future he will probably stop mentioning any women colleagues, and he won't feel able to talk freely. That is another recipe for disaster.

He doubts whether getting married is a good idea and he may well be right. Sorry to be blunt but there's nothing worse than being stuck with a jealous, controlling, bitter and unbalanced partner. I think you need to sort out your head with a professional counsellor (you may have a lot of baggage from childhood and later life) rather than getting views on a forum.

Wow when you put it like that, I really do need to see a counsellor.
Thank you for your honesty. I needed that.

He already refrains from mentioning females at all now. He said he already feels restricted, he cant say certain things and cant do certain things. Gosh I wouldn't want to be with myself either!

Errata

Taking the first post entirely at face value: if sex with you is 'long and boring' I bet my boots it wouldn't be with another woman. What to do? Tell him to 'get a move on' - you may wish to phrase that a little more delicately.
I have to confess that any man who told me sex with me was 'long and boring' would immediately find his clothes in bin liners outside the front door.

You're constantly checking up on him because you don't trust him.

None of the above is any basis for a sound relationship and spells disaster for a marriage and any children that might result from it.

Butterflylife

Errata wrote: »

Taking the first post entirely at face value: if sex with you is 'long and boring' I bet my boots it wouldn't be with another woman. What to do? Tell him to 'get a move on' - you may wish to phrase that a little more delicately.
I have to confess that any man who told me sex with me was 'long and boring' would immediately find his clothes in bin liners outside the front door.

You're constantly checking up on him because you don't trust him.

None of the above is any basis for a sound relationship and spells disaster for a marriage and any children that might result from it.

It's not that easy to just tell him to leave, I really love him, and I know he really loves me. I really want this to work. I'm just worried he is bored of the sex because my insecurity is causing and putting pressure on us. Or do you think that's just an excuse? Am I being naive? I asked him if he was getting it elsewhere and he said no, I believe him. I asked him if he was having solo fun, and he said no. He's just not been feeling it with me. It hurts to know that sex with me has become boring!!

j.e.j.

I can only agree with the other posters that marriage doesn't sound like a good idea. I hope you both manage to sort thru your issues, there are problems on both sides. A lot of it seems to be because of that one-night stand.

Butterflylife

j.e.j. wrote: »

I can only agree with the other posters that marriage doesn't sound like a good idea. I hope you both manage to sort thru your issues, there are problems on both sides. A lot of it seems to be because of that one-night stand.

I agree. Although if I'm completely honest, I was quite insecure in my last relationship too......

Butterflylife

Ok, I've decided. I'm gonna stop checking his email and his facebook as of today.

I've checked it everyday for the last 2 years. And I will try not to check it at all.

Im a bit nervous, but I know this has to be done.

I've looked into relate - I can speak to someone on the phone or see a counsellor in person. Anyone tried these? Which one is better?

Also, is it better for me to see a counsellor on my own first? Or better to go as a couple?

Anyone have any experience of being insecure, even just little ones, and how did you deal with that? Anyone ever get insecure with their OH interacting with someone from the opposite sex? and how did you deal with insecure feelings?

Hermia

Butterflylife wrote: »

And that sometimes he just doesnt feel like sex, even though he can sense that I do because it's boring sometimes. It's the same routine. And I dont do anything to make it exciting.

Does he think it's all your fault it's not exciting? Surely, it should be, "what can WE do to spice things up". I'm picturing him as some lazy lump who is just lying there expecting you to make everything perfect and turn him on. If he can't be bothered to make an effort now he won't after marriage.

clearing_out_my_pockets

Butterflylife wrote: »

It hurts to know that sex with me has become boring!!

In fairness, there are two of you in bed.... If he's finding it boring, HE should do something different. It's difficult for YOU to work out what he wants. I think it sounds like a cop out to me.

My husband checks my messages for me, we check each others facebook accounts and email accounts with the full knowledge of the other. Not for snooping reasons. My ex used to check my phone to see what men had been texting me. Similarly when I was at uni, he gave me the third degree about who I'd spoken to and what I'd been wearing etc. I never once cheated on him, but he was convinced that I had. Towards the end of our relationship, after six years of accusations, I started thinking "he thinks I'm cheating, there's nothing for me to lose if I actually do". That's part of the reason I ended the relationship - because I was tempted to 'prove him right'. The lack of trust was a real issue for us. I distanced myself from him sexually which only made him even more certain I was cheating. The truth was, I didn't want to be intimate with someone who thought so badly of me that my every move needed checking. I'll caveat this by saying, however, that I am female. This isn't necessarily how a bloke would feel in the same scenario

saffiedale_2

Butterflylife wrote: »

We've been together 4 years and live together. And we are at the happiest we've ever been in our relationship. Except one thing that has come up twice now.... The fact that he has a low libido and I don't. And because of this I am scared to initiate incase he rejects.

We have said previously we will make more of an effort and things got better for a while and I didnt worry about being rejected. But it's come up again. He said he loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me, but lately although he gets horny he doesn't want sex with me. He finds me sexy, but just doesn't want to do the deed cos it's 'long and can get boring'. I know we tend to do the same things over and over.

And it's gotten to the point where he is doubting the wedding because he is afraid he can't satisfy me. He said I might get frustrated and go off and find a willing man for sex.

If I give a bit of background, I may come across as a very confident person to ppl, but behind closed doors I'm very insecure, I check his fone and emails and facebook. I know it's wrong and I haven't found one thing he has done wrong in the last 2 years I've been checking. But the reason I check is because 3 years ago he had a one night stand. And it's something I've dealt with but still get insecure about other girls befriending him etc. I know I have to stop checking!!! I think this is not helping my insecurity at all. Weird thing is, I trust that he would never do it again and I'm more worried about other girls flirting with him.

I love him to bits and he has shown he loves me in so many ways. He talks about having kids with me, and gets excited about our future, wedding, honeymoon, holidays, life in general etc. But it's just this sex thing which I think is either a cause of or is causing me to have further insecurity. Ie the less we have sex, the more insecure I feel about my attractiveness and the more I check his stuff and get paranoid and insecure. And in turn this really puts him off as he probs knows I check his stuff but doesnt say anything. He said he finds me most attractive when I love myself and am confident. But my insecurity and consequent moods puts him off.

Can you Pls give me a kick up the bum to stop checking his emails!!! Also help on hOw to spice up our sex life, how to be more confident and hOw to stop things from becoming routine and boring !!!!

I guess what I'm saying is, I'm scared he's gonna get bored of a routine life of marriage, job and kids. We talked about this, and we both know we are both responsible for making life exciting and enjoying our lives together. But I'm scared he will get so bored of me, he'll just leave me...

Thanks for reading my long winded troubles xxxx

hi there i can relATE TO WHAT YOUR SAYING, I POSTED ON HERE A FEW WEEKS AGO DUE TO BEING SO DESPERATE. IV BEEN MARRIED FOR 19YR AND THE SEX WAS NEVER FANTASTIC BUT WE HAD TEENAGE KIDS AT HOME ECT. WE HAVE BEEN ON OUR OWN 8YRS AND THE PAST 6 I HAVE GONE THROUGH WHAT YOUR GOING THROUGH TIME AND TIME AGAIN. MY HUBBY HOLDS MY HAND ECT BUT ITS HARD TO FEEL LOVED AND WANTED. IV TRIED THE TALKING ECT AND HE MAKES OUT ITS ME OR NOYHINGS WRONG? I FEEL LIKE IM GOING MAD. MAYBE HE IS BORED WITH ME? WHATS WORSE IS IF THEY DONT TALK. ITS VERY FROSTY BETWEEEN US TWO. I HOPE YOU CAN SORT IT HON. I HAVE TRIED.