Getting married next year and our sex life isn't great

Butterflylife

We've been together 4 years and live together. And we are at the happiest we've ever been in our relationship. Except one thing that has come up twice now.... The fact that he has a low libido and I don't. And because of this I am scared to initiate incase he rejects.

We have said previously we will make more of an effort and things got better for a while and I didnt worry about being rejected. But it's come up again. He said he loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me, but lately although he gets horny he doesn't want sex with me. He finds me sexy, but just doesn't want to do the deed cos it's 'long and can get boring'. I know we tend to do the same things over and over.

And it's gotten to the point where he is doubting the wedding because he is afraid he can't satisfy me. He said I might get frustrated and go off and find a willing man for sex.

If I give a bit of background, I may come across as a very confident person to ppl, but behind closed doors I'm very insecure, I check his fone and emails and facebook. I know it's wrong and I haven't found one thing he has done wrong in the last 2 years I've been checking. But the reason I check is because 3 years ago he had a one night stand. And it's something I've dealt with but still get insecure about other girls befriending him etc. I know I have to stop checking!!! I think this is not helping my insecurity at all. Weird thing is, I trust that he would never do it again and I'm more worried about other girls flirting with him.

I love him to bits and he has shown he loves me in so many ways. He talks about having kids with me, and gets excited about our future, wedding, honeymoon, holidays, life in general etc. But it's just this sex thing which I think is either a cause of or is causing me to have further insecurity. Ie the less we have sex, the more insecure I feel about my attractiveness and the more I check his stuff and get paranoid and insecure. And in turn this really puts him off as he probs knows I check his stuff but doesnt say anything. He said he finds me most attractive when I love myself and am confident. But my insecurity and consequent moods puts him off.

Can you Pls give me a kick up the bum to stop checking his emails!!! Also help on hOw to spice up our sex life, how to be more confident and hOw to stop things from becoming routine and boring !!!!

I guess what I'm saying is, I'm scared he's gonna get bored of a routine life of marriage, job and kids. We talked about this, and we both know we are both responsible for making life exciting and enjoying our lives together. But I'm scared he will get so bored of me, he'll just leave me...

Thanks for reading my long winded troubles xxxx

QuackQuackOops

Wow, you do need to get a grip of yourself or you won't see your marriage lasting more than a year.
It doesn't sound as though you should get married at all to be honest.

thegirlintheattic

I think the privacy issues are more important than the sex - this sounds like a recipe for a quick divorce.

cleggy.

You've made a good case for not getting married.

ciderwithrosie_2

I think these two issues alone will make for a very difficult marriage. I've been married 22 years and we're at that point now where our sex life is non-existant because he 'can't be bothered', and I'm resenting it big time because I still can and want to be bothered. If he'd been like that back before marriage I'd never have gone through with it. That's a long time to spend with someone with very little intimacy.

Butterflylife

Thanks, I realise this. I'm just not sure how to go about it.

I really do think all these issues are interlinked. But are you saying, that you think my insecurity is the basis for all of this.

Ok that would make sense. How can I become a more secure person. He's done everything he can, he says, to reassure me and help me become secure. But he says the rest is down to me.

I'm doing more things for myself, got my own hobbies and friends. I have to say, the days i feel secure, are the days I put much more effort in dressing myself for work/going out and I kinda try to just stop caring what ppl think of me.

crazyguy

In all fairness the OP wrote that he cheated before so being totally frank with you i think you should not be considering marriage at least for the mean time anyway.

It looks to me as if you have issues here from both sides.

Yourself with trust issues, which can be expected as the saying goes a leopard never changes there spots, do you want a marriage built on mistrust that is doomed to fail.

And his issues seem to be of a sexual nature, perhaps a visit to a specialist may help, or just try different things if you are worried about being rejected that is not a good thing as the doubt will be there in your mind continualy.

I would say you should either postpone the wedding for a year and see if things change or accept the fact that this is not going to work and go your seperate ways.

Kay_Peel

He is starting to doubt whether marriage is a good idea. You recognise that you are sexually incompatible. You are also tormented by the fact that he found another woman sexy and attractive enough to have a one-night stand with a few years ago, but doesn't seem to be turned on enough by you. It makes you feel unattractive and unloved.

You have had years of living together to sort out your incompatability in the bedroom department and you have another year to work on it. Personally, I would be thinking of relationship counselling through Relate.

You need a husband who can love you despite your vulnerability and insecurities not someone who will turn away when you show 'weakness'. You need someone who revels in and enjoys the physical and emotional closeness of a full and healthy sex life. You don't get any of these things at the moment so the prospects for a long and happy marriage do not look good.

It's natural that you should have doubts before committing yourself to a marriage that may crush you and make you miserable and at least you have a very clear view of what you're marrriage will look like.

I'd book some sessions with Relate if I were you.

greenval

Have you thought about counselling. He's right about one thing, only you can make yourself feel secure in the end.

mrs_marty

Like others have said I would postpone and go to counselling, which will encourage you both into opening up. Which then will let you both truly see if in fact you have a future together.

Lotus-eater

Butterflylife wrote: »

but lately although he gets horny he doesn't want sex with me. He finds me sexy, but just doesn't want to do the deed cos it's 'long and can get boring'. I know we tend to do the same things over and over.

You can always tell the sex threads, a million people reply in 20 minutes


OK OP, you have 2 problems. One, the above. He gets horny, but doesn't want sex. You need to find out why. if he is bored, then do something new, whatever he wants, as long as you want to as well.
If it's for some other reason, well, you need to find that out too. If it does take Relate to get the answer, then that could be an option, but you may sort it out with alot of frank talking.

The other problem is your insecurity. As said before, only you can solve that, but he can help by making you feel better about yourself. tell him this and ask him to pay you more attention.
Only you can really find a way to solve your insecurity problem, maybe, just maybe, it would be better with another man, how do you feel about that?