Getting married next year and our sex life isn't great

Butterflylife

Thanks for all your replies.

Im gonna try and give as much detail as we go along, as I know you are just replying based on what I've written so far.

We both want to make this work. We both love each other very very much and the thought of leaving each other just upsets us both.

This sex thing has only been an issue twice for us, and I think both times it stemmed down to me being insecure. Im not saying it's my fault cos I know what he did several year ago is the reason why I am insecure. And I feel I have mostly dealt with it. But i cant seem to let go of this snooping around. I don't even know what I'm looking for, he hasnt done anything since then to show me he's doing anything bad to me.

I know I sound like a raving lunatic, but I promise I'm not really..except this one thing

Lotus-eater

Twice, as in two nights = no sex?

Butterflylife

In reply to the suggestions of counselling, I think I'm gonna definitely look into that. I've tried so hard to be more secure,and I know I have gone a long way in forgiving him and moving past that. We both agree that besides my insecurity, and the sex, our relationship is pretty much special and amazing.

He is always telling me he loves me, how beautiful I look, how he only has eyes for me, how I'm the one, he'll buy me flowers, plant me flowers, buy me little chocs..all the little things. So everything is brilliant here. I'm the one who is holding myself back from just being free from insecurities.

Butterflylife

Lotus-eater wrote: »

Twice, as in two nights = no sex?

Nooo lol. I meant as two periods of about a few weeks of no sex. And it being quite obvious that I wanted it and he didnt...

Tish_P

If you have drastically different sex drives, that's a fairly basic and important incompatibility - on a par with "I want kids and he doesn't". Don't get married at all unless and until you sort it out between you.

And yes, stop checking his emails, and admit to him you did it and apologise so he can change his passwords or beef up his security. Nobody should be being spied on in a relationship.

Butterflylife

Lotus-eater wrote: »

You can always tell the sex threads, a million people reply in 20 minutes


OK OP, you have 2 problems. One, the above. He gets horny, but doesn't want sex. You need to find out why. if he is bored, then do something new, whatever he wants, as long as you want to as well.
If it's for some other reason, well, you need to find that out too. If it does take Relate to get the answer, then that could be an option, but you may sort it out with alot of frank talking.

The other problem is your insecurity. As said before, only you can solve that, but he can help by making you feel better about yourself. tell him this and ask him to pay you more attention.
Only you can really find a way to solve your insecurity problem, maybe, just maybe, it would be better with another man, how do you feel about that?

I think he is bored. Any ideas on how to spice it up??

There have been times, when he wants it so much, even more than me, that we do it several times a day. But this past few months have been quite down.

I don't really want another man. I just want him. Just wish I could snap my fingers and get over this insecurity issue. Then I'd be a much more confident person..that would help a lot of our issues!!!

Lotus-eater

Butterflylife wrote: »

Nooo lol. I meant as two periods of about a few weeks of no sex. And it being quite obvious that I wanted it and he didnt...

OK, just wanted to check.

That does make it a bit different. I know there are times when people don't feel like sex, when alot of things are going on for example, or when they are under stress.
But usually I would say, that would mean that they don't get turned on, not that they are horny, but "can't be bothered", I must admit, that would worry me greatly.
Generally a bloke, once he's turned on, will do as much as he can, to have some sort of sexual act. I really don't know why he is acting this way and I can only go back to what I said before. Talk about it, alot, until you get some answers.

I do know about differences in libidos, there is a big one between my Oh and me.
Mine (and I'm not bragging here, because it's caused me alot of problems in my life) is absolutely massive and my OH's is what I'd think of as just about normal. We do get round it, but it's alot of work, I wouldn't change her for the world, but there is no doubt it can be difficult sometimes.

You both have to accept the other person for what they are, then you both have to bend towards the other persons POV, you both give a little. it really is impossible to change someone, but if you both think it's worth it, it can work.

Frank talking (and lots of it) seems to me, to be the best way forward. I hope it works out for you.

Lotus-eater

Butterflylife wrote: »

I think he is bored. Any ideas on how to spice it up??

There have been times, when he wants it so much, even more than me, that we do it several times a day. But this past few months have been quite down.

I don't really want another man. I just want him. Just wish I could snap my fingers and get over this insecurity issue. Then I'd be a much more confident person..that would help a lot of our issues!!!

Oh well, that's different to what you said before now.

People do have periods of ups and downs, sometimes you will both feel like it more often, that's just normal and sometimes you won't feel like it. That's normal also.

I'll be honest, there are no shortage of ways of spicing a sex life up, it's finding what works for you and a willingness to try, which will make the difference.

You need to work on your relationship as well though, a good sex life (imho) comes from a good relationship. If you feel closer in one, the other will tag along.

Think about seeing the doctor about your insecurity problems, I don't think sorting them out will the magic bullet you are after, but it will certainly help.

Butterflylife

Lotus-eater wrote: »

OK, just wanted to check.

That does make it a bit different. I know there are times when people don't feel like sex, when alot of things are going on for example, or when they are under stress.
But usually I would say, that would mean that they don't get turned on, not that they are horny, but "can't be bothered", I must admit, that would worry me greatly.
Generally a bloke, once he's turned on, will do as much as he can, to have some sort of sexual act. I really don't know why he is acting this way and I can only go back to what I said before. Talk about it, alot, until you get some answers.

I do know about differences in libidos, there is a big one between my Oh and me.
Mine (and I'm not bragging here, because it's caused me alot of problems in my life) is absolutely massive and my OH's is what I'd think of as just about normal. We do get round it, but it's alot of work, I wouldn't change her for the world, but there is no doubt it can be difficult sometimes.

You both have to accept the other person for what they are, then you both have to bend towards the other persons POV, you both give a little. it really is impossible to change someone, but if you both think it's worth it, it can work.

Frank talking (and lots of it) seems to me, to be the best way forward. I hope it works out for you.

Yeah the fact he is horny and doesnt want me bothered me a whole lot. But when we talked about it further, he said he did actually want me on one occasion a few days ago, but because i got annoyed about something really silly and small and 'stamped my feet' as he put it, it just turned him off completely. The past 2 months, I've been a bit depressed/down in the dumps about my career, and so I've been moody, down, insecure, clingy and he was brilliant in trying to lift my moods and support me. But at the same time, cos of my insecurity I questioned him a helluva lot about his female friends, even what he watched on tv. And we argued a bit, so I think this is why the last few months it's been very strained in teh bedroom department. And I think this has got him thinking about stuff and whether he can make me happy. And this is what got him questioning if getting married is the right thing for us, if im so insecure and also worried he cant satisfy me.

It's actually helped me alot writing all these things down, it's helping me see things I didn't see earlier.

snowmaid

Definitely don't get married if this can't be sorted.