Getting married next year and our sex life isn't great

dark_lady

Lotus-eater wrote: »

That's just silly.
There are no differences between men and women when it comes to "enforced celibacy", both are the same.

And of course if you believe a man should be grateful that he has a woman that loves him, sex or no sex, then a women should be the same the other way round.

You seem to be making it into a woman against men thing, which it isn't, it doesn't matter what sex people are. They've been plenty of women on this thread and on the forum saying they don't get enough sex from their partner. No golden rule about not telling here.
Maybe it's just men talk about it more. But I don't think you will get many men admitting that he has only made love to his wife 3 times in a year, his choice......... or hers.
And why is that, perhaps because society would look down on him. Women would look down on him. How is that different to your "code of silence"?

You seem to be able to quote myths and consensuses about external life, but they don't show up on here and it is here we are talking about.

If some people are asexual, then they get no feelings from sex, there aren't many people like that, men or women, just people who have a low sex drive and there's plenty of those out there.

By "dont tell" i meant actually speaking out. Not doing it anonymously on an internet forum.

euronorris

saffiedale wrote: »

all i can say is i have tied talking and talking but it dont work for me? i never go on about it anymore i just get more hurt as each day passes.

Don't take this the wrong way, but:

Are you sure you're asking the right questions? And are you really listening to the answers?

Have you tried counselling?

There is no such thing as enforced celabacy (unless you are being forced to stay against your wishes). If you are that unhappy, and you feel you have tried everything to fix things but are still unhappy, then you have the option to leave and find someone who can fulfil your needs.

I hope though, that there is still a solution you can find which will make you both happy.

Lotus-eater

dark_lady wrote: »

By "dont tell" i meant actually speaking out. Not doing it anonymously on an internet forum.

I think as many women tell their friends they don't get enough sex as men tell theirs.
Going by past experience, probably way more.

euronorris

Lotus-eater wrote: »

I think as many women tell their friends they don't get enough sex as men tell theirs.
Going by past experience, probably way more.

They certainly do. IME the 2 most common complaints are 'he wants it too much' and 'he doesn't want it enough'.

pineapple

Look - it doesn't matter if you have sex twice a day or twice a year. The important thing is that you are reasonably in sync. You aren't so I wouldn't think of marriage at the moment as it will most likely exacerbate any pressure. But that doesn't mean you can't continue to love each other.
Counselling as others have suggested is an option.
I also think it may be useful to agree a period during which you absolutely won't 'do the deed'. You can do everything 'up to' tho! That takes off any pressure and sometimes helps sort the problem.

saffiedale_2

someone spoke about a sex toy. its more about the love affection and closeness than the sex thing. even though that would be nice if we were ok with say once a month or so. i think its when you dont know when it will happen again that you start to feel so bad about it? if say you knew it was going to happen at sometime in the month you may feel better about it all>

Steel_2

dark_lady wrote: »

Looking at some of the posts that have appeared in the last few hours people are not ready to face this yet and they certainly dont want to believe it.
As for Saffiedale and i being accused of taking this thread over well that speaks volumes in itself.
We broke the golden rule of a woman experiencing enforced celibacy Saffiedale. We broke the golden rule of "dont tell".

Clearly I wasn't speaking at a volume loud enough to get through to you.

I do believe it. I believe that you and Saffiedale and others have clearly suffered, and you are using your poor experience of the issue to advise the OP to toss away a four year relationship, which is on the whole ok and needs a bit of fine tuning and communication to help it.

Butterfly is an intelligent woman with the strength of character and desire to change the way she behaves, which she admits isn't helping at all, to make her relationship with her fiance better. Hopefully her fiance will very quickly sense what is happening and respond to that. And I hope they both go for counselling in the run up to their marriage to decide if it really is right for them.

You didn't break any rules Dark Lady. You're just hyper sensitive and wanting to take a lot of threads down what appears to be a general 'man-bashing' route because I assume you are hurting over something that happened to you. This isn't the first thread over the last few weeks you've done this with and it is not the first thread I've been hesitant to post on because of it. This time however I actually decided to brave your bitterness and do so anyway at the risk of your flaming.

Bash the men you were (or are) with: the men you and saffiedale and daryld believed you suffered (and suffer) at the hands of. And then make positive changes in your life to overcome it and make yourself happy.

But don't try and whip up a thread (and others) into one that bashes other posters and their partners and spouses because of your own experience. Choose to take in the entirety of the posts an OP writes, rather than just the little bits that reinforce your experience, triggers your pain and causes a rant. Ain't easy I know and I have problems with it sometimes.

I truly wish you and Saffiedale and daryld the strength to change your lives and be happy.

dark_lady

Steel wrote: »

Clearly I wasn't speaking at a volume loud enough to get through to you.

I do believe it. I believe that you and Saffiedale and others have clearly suffered, and you are using your poor experience of the issue to advise the OP to toss away a four year relationship, which is on the whole ok and needs a bit of fine tuning and communication to help it.

Butterfly is an intelligent woman with the strength of character and desire to change the way she behaves, which she admits isn't helping at all, to make her relationship with her fiance better. Hopefully her fiance will very quickly sense what is happening and respond to that. And I hope they both go for counselling in the run up to their marriage to decide if it really is right for them.

You didn't break any rules Dark Lady. You're just hyper sensitive and wanting to take a lot of threads down what appears to be a general 'man-bashing' route because I assume you are hurting over something that happened to you. This isn't the first thread over the last few weeks you've done this with and it is not the first thread I've been hesitant to post on because of it. This time however I actually decided to brave your bitterness and do so anyway at the risk of your flaming.

Bash the men you were (or are) with: the men you and saffiedale and daryld believed you suffered (and suffer) at the hands of. And then make positive changes in your life to overcome it and make yourself happy.

But don't try and whip up a thread (and others) into one that bashes other posters and their partners and spouses because of your own experience. Choose to take in the entirety of the posts an OP writes, rather than just the little bits that reinforce your experience, triggers your pain and causes a rant. Ain't easy I know and I have problems with it sometimes.

I truly wish you and Saffiedale and daryld the strength to change your lives and be happy.

Thankyou Steel that is kind of you. In fact this evening i have just filled in a form to go and see a counsellor. And luckily there isnt a long waiting list for this service where i live.
And Saffiiedale and i have started PMing each other now so that we can support each other through our similar experiences.