Placing a child in to foster care. + the history

At-wits-end

peachyprice wrote: »

Perhaps the good girl is the real girl, it's with you she's acting? Trying to get you to take notice of her feelings?

I know you've hidden the details of her father from her with the best intentions, but her behavious to me sounds like she's doing everything in her power to get you to sit up and listen.

I think is was a huge mistake telling her you left because 'daddy wasn't nice' and you are kidding yourself if you think she has no recollection of the events that led up to you leaving, she's capable of having very vivid memories from that age and earlier, I had my tonsils out when I was just 2, I can remember everything from the moment I walked into the hospital to the moment I left, I even remember what dress I went home in, that was nowhere near as horrific as the events your daughter experienced.

She will have some horrific memories that you are denying her the chance to express, by refusing to accept she will have memories and discussing them with her you're just brushing them under the carpet as nonsense. She can't reconcile those memories unless you let her talk about them and admit that that is what her father was like.

I understand that it's always been with the best intention, and you want to protect her from the past, but she needs to be able to release that fear and horror and you need to listen to her, even if you don't want to hear what she remembers.

I really hope you both find peace soon, you knopw there's a good girl in her somewhere, hopefully with the right help you'll be able to find her again.

She understands that we were in hospital for a couple of days and we lived in 2 refuges which she remembers, she keeps in contact with 2 of the children we met there via facebook and they chat often, she is aware that it wasn't because he was a mean spirited !!!!!!.

She knows that something bad happened to me as I am visibly scarred, she used to ask about them and I told her it was from a car accident but yes I have been wrong in trying to protect her from knowing what happened to us.

renegade

dirtysexymonkey wrote: »

theres no need for the op to speak of her daughter in such a way. this is a message board. she claims to be a long-term poster so should be aware that by putting her story on here she is inviting all opinions, not just ones from people like you.

Well, I am putting your posts in my ignore people list. You never have anything constructive to say in your posts(I have read many of them|), you obviously have issues of your own against parents. You are now on my IGNORE list.

taurusgb

dirtysexymonkey wrote: »

and it annoys me when 'parents' dont accept any responsibility for the child they raised. but thats ok in your book obviously. whatever makes you feel better about your situation eh.

Do you have nothing better to do with your time than search these forums to find posts from parents who are desperately trying to find a way to HELP their children and their whole families through a difficult time? You seem to make a practice of looking for threads such as this one with the express intention of making the OP feel guilty and 100% to blame for whatever circumstances she is asking advice about.

This is not the first time I have read your bitter comments and felt revulsion for your attitude. I know from another thread you are 25 years of age with no children of your own, so I respectfully suggest that unless you can moderate your bitterness you stop reading threads that seem to make you behave so nastily. I am beggining to suspect you have had a difficult childhood yourself, if this is the case then show some compassion, if not then grow up and recognise that your own intolerance is not helpful.

OP - I've never been in this situation, but I do have 4 children of my own and I can't even begin to imagine how torn you must feel trying to keep them all safe and happy. Other posters have said a fair bit about how you should change your own behaviour with your daughter. They may be right in some respects but few posters seem to have taken into account that yes, your daughter has rights and needs, but so do your other children. The smaller ones also have rights and needs - and the paramount need is for their safety to be a very high priority.

Good Luck!

RadoJo

OP - I agree with other posters (and you) that by not telling her more about her Dad, you have probably contributed to her anger and frustration. You say that you have actively lied to her about your injuries, and whilst I can understand why you might not want to tell her about how her father treated her, I can't see how fabricating a car accident is protecting her so much as perhaps protecting yourself from revisiting those painful memories. I completely understand why you wouldn't want to go over it in your mind, but unfortunately he is still her father no matter what he did, and whilst he may have lost all rights to be in her life, she still has the right to know about him even if it isn't necessarily what you would have wanted for her.
I also can't help thinking that, although her behaviour is clearly bad, your reaction to it is probably coloured by your experiences with her father. As much as her behaviour has been affected by her memories of him, yours probably has too, meaning that when someone you love behaves violently and in anger it takes you back to that helpless feeling you describe with your husband, which might mean that your handling of the situation is affected by those memories and your reactions as a mother are mixed up with those you had as an abused wife.
I would definitely say that refusing to see her now could damage your relationship forever, and although it might be hard, showing that you still love her and still want to help her work through whatever it going on in her head is the only way you are going to be able to rebuild any kind of relationship. I definitely think that sitting down with a mediator and answering her questions honestly and openly will help - you can tell her before you start that you kept the information from her to protect her, but if she wants to know then I believe she is old enough to take responsibility for dealing with the information that she wants to hear. Teenage years are so confusing, I can only imagine the frustration that would build up having a family secret that involves her and excludes her all at once, especially as presumably your new husband knows most of the details as well, which she might just see as a further abuse of trust when she's still in the dark. I wish you all the best - it sounds as though you need help to deal with things as much as your daughter does, and I hope that you can both find the support you need to start building a healthier relationship.

peachyprice

At-wits-end wrote: »

She knows that something bad happened to me as I am visibly scarred, she used to ask about them and I told her it was from a car accident but yes I have been wrong in trying to protect her from knowing what happened to us.

Perhaps this is the way forward, maybe now is the time to be 100% honest with her about everything? It must feel very lonely knowing your mum is hiding stuff from you.

Is there anyone at SS you can discuss this with that will help you communicate with each other?

Inbloom

Hello OP. I feel that you really should not diminish your responsabillity, and sit down with your child and try to disclose rationally everything she wishes to know about her father and her upbringing. As an outsider it seems pretty clear why she is behaving like this, and your resentment asnd almost hatred of your offspring does not really bode too well.

She is at an age now where such information should not be dissapropriate or too challenging to know. Maybe it would be beficial if you recieved some sort of councelling or were able to speak to someone about your abusive past relationships?

flutterby_lil

At-wits-end, I really really feel for your situation, one my mum has actually been through and I just wanted to offer advice from a different angle.

My "dad" and I use the term very loosely, sounds like he could be your ex!!!

My brother, sisters and I were abused mentally and physically by my dad. He threw us out of the house along with my mother numerous times during the middle of the night. He beat my mum black and blue, broke her cheekbones, ribs, the list is endless, lots happened but that is the basic details of what I want to go into. This went on for years until mum finally found the courage to leave him. She put up with it for the sake of us. I don't know why she thought it was best to be in a horrible, abusive controlling relationship where he had affairs left right and centre as we got nothing from him. I remember family days out where he used to sulk and winge, stress and shout at us and hit us for nothing. I remember he used to sit at the kithcen table in just his undies with his head in his hands shaking his legs and gritting his teeth. I remember the way he used to curl his toungue behind his teeth before he used to belt us so hard. I remember him referring to me as "the big fat f-u-c-king oaf. I cannot remember what age I remember all this from but I remember it so well. Mum left him when I was about 14, the youngest of us would have been 9. She has a relationship with him now. The other 3 of us, including myself don't. We met him once when they split up. Mum said it was up to him, we felt sorry for him so went to asda for our tea. Mum said to ring her when we had done. We rang her 1 hour later and never met him again together.

I remember about 5 years ago (I am 30 now) seeing him in Morrisons, I felt sick and went dizzy, and crashed my car as I was so petrified of him. I never ever want to see him. Mum never bad mouthed him to us, let us make our own mind up, which we have all come to the same conclusion, well apart from my sister. We have all told her not to mention anything about us, our children, where we live etc.

I don't know if we are all a bit more understanding and accepting of the situation because we are older. None of us have gone off the rails. My brother did scive school for a while and go to "dads" house as he let him get away with it, but when he left school he never bothered with him. Our paternal grandparents died when we were babies so have no involvement with that side of the family.

I know what my dad was like, not from hearing it from mum but from witnessing it first hand. The number of times I lay awake in bed at night while he battered my mum, shouted and screamed abuse at her, I sit here with tears streaming down my face. I do wish I had a dad and a relationship with him, but not that dad. We have never really had to ask mum questions about him or had to have closure from it. I really feel for you and want to send you much needed hugs. I do agree with other people who have said you need to talk to your daughter and tell her why you left, not in too many details but tell her the truth. I think if i didn't know, I would ask mum and she would tell me, she wouldn't withold it for her benefit she would want us to know and move on.

Please pm me if you would like a chat x

rachbc

I agree with posters who have said you need to tell you daughter about your/ her past - but please put some counselling/ professional help in place first to help you all deal with the aftermath - telling her without her having a place to process and respond to what she hears could be more damaging. Its going to be a long road for you both to come to terms with what has happened to you but its part of the journey that you started when you were so brave and escaped all those years ago.

paddy's_mum

Sometimes, a child can just be evil, full stop. Our prisons and secure mental hospitals are full of them.

It is naive in the extreme to think that a chummy chat or a bit of counselling will mend the problem.

My sympathies are entirely with the OP who must be reeling with hurt, shock, dread and fear.

A girl of 14 is more than capable of deciding whether or not to continue with behaviour that is destructive and dangerous. I'd also add that over the years, my own experiences with two abusive people (one a relative and one a former boyfriend) has proved to me beyond doubt that they are unbelievably clever in their manipulations and highly adept at hiding the truth.

The OP would have to be a saint of the highest order not to feel something close to hatred for her daughter. What mother could continue to wholeheartedly love a person who was causing such damage to her other children?

In my view, the OP is in an impossible situation and I have nothing but praise for her. I wouldn't want to be in her shoes ... would you?

peachyprice

paddy's_mum wrote: »

It is naive in the extreme to think that a chummy chat or a bit of counselling will mend the problem.

They need a hell of a lot more than a chummy chat and a bit of counselling. It's naive in the extreme to think that's all it would take.

Yes, OP is in a terrible place, and yes, it's understandable that she feels hatred for the child that is threatenting her other children, but there a very good chance that some of this damage is of her own doing.

Would you give up on that child knowing that if you tried you may have been able to mend her?