Placing a child in to foster care. + the history

neneromanova

I personally don't think care would be the best possible place for her perminantly. What would be going through her mind is

"dad abused me, didn't love me and so we left him. Mum Abused me, didn't love me and so she made me leave."

I think for a short period yes but not forever. I also don't think you have been disaplining her properly. You mentioned that you had a behavioural person come and help and she turned into a lovely child but reverted after a while. Did you keep up with what the person told you to keep up with, or, like most people (some people just won't admit it freely ) did you let it start to slip thinking "ah well, she's better at the moment so lets see how it goes."

Also girls are notorious for being hormonal during puberty. I know I was horrendous personally. My sister used to cut things up with scissors when she was younger and now is a monster and nothing has happened to her. well ok apart from being spoilt rotten.

I think you need to go to your daughter, tell her how sorry you were for the way you acted, you shouldn't have acted that way, give her a big hug and a kiss and tell her you love her so much. Ask if SHE wants to go home or stay where she is. ALso ask her what she wants to know about her father. You NEED to tell her.

CH27

OP you need to tell your daughter the truth about her dad.

January20

At-wits-end wrote: »

Hands up, im very angry at her right now. Wouldn't you be?

I have no real advice but I want to assure you that I understand why you feel betrayed and that you are angry at her right now. It will be easy for people to think that in your situation they would have acted/ reacted differently, but it's very difficult to raise a teenager in this society. You can't do anything right as a parent sometimes, either being too soft or being too hard, and you have experienced it with so DD being so aware and sneaky that she created a huge problem and then rang SS.

Whether she is having real problems or not, whether she is just being manipulative and can or can't help her behaviour, you are living in the real day to day situation and you are only a human being and can only take so much. What I'm trying to say is that you must try and ignore the posters who will inevitably tell you it's all your fault. It's not. You did your best for your dd.

ETA: And perhaps you should ignore everything dirtysexymonkey writes. They can be very nasty, intolerant and see life very much in black and white (very much as teenagers do)

mikey72

I think the op needs to leave her daughter in care.
She's done the best she can, if she can't bring herself to repeat what happened to her with her father,that's understandable, and not to be criticised. The op has to cope as well.

But I think the first thing is to get councelling for yourself.
It can't be easy to see history repeating itself, and that's what I would be seeing in your place.
You need to draw a line under it, let your daughter grow, and maybe in time she will get the help she needs, or the closure.

You have a family to look after, and they are in danger of becoming the next generation to be influenced by her, as she was by her father.

I feel for you, as you will have to live with it whatever you do, but you've done your best, could you have done more.

DomRavioli

I can honestly identify with what you're going through, my sister was exactly the same. My parents decided enough was enough when she stabbed me in the leg and I ended up having quite major surgery. The cause of my sisters issues was simply something called a personality disorder, and with therapy and treatment she is doing fantastically. I would discourage putting your child into care, but if she behaves in this way again, I would advise getting her sectioned as she is a danger to herself and others, perhaps this way she might be able to get some help for her issues.

mikey72

DomRavioli wrote: »

..........I would advise getting her sectioned as she is a danger to herself and others, perhaps this way she might be able to get some help for her issues.

By what method?
All medical reports have shown her as a normal well behaved child.

At-wits-end

Thanks you again for the replies, so much to think about.

R.e the behavioural specialist, DD did not play up once the week she was here, the second she stepped through the door she acted like a dream child. When we have company or she is at school she acts like a totally different person, almost like an act.

We kept a log and ds caught an episode on his phone where she was asked to load the dishwasher and frisbee'd plates and bowls in to the dishwasher. Its like certain trigger words set her off such as being told No, asking her to do something and not cooking the meal she wanted or doing it wrong. But if it company she will do as I ask of her.

peachyprice

At-wits-end wrote: »

Thanks you again for the replies, so much to think about.

R.e the behavioural specialist, DD did not play up once the week she was here, the second she stepped through the door she acted like a dream child. When we have company or she is at school she acts like a totally different person, almost like an act.

We kept a log and ds caught an episode on his phone where she was asked to load the dishwasher and frisbee'd plates and bowls in to the dishwasher. Its like certain trigger words set her off such as being told No, asking her to do something and not cooking the meal she wanted or doing it wrong. But if it company she will do as I ask of her.

Perhaps the good girl is the real girl, it's with you she's acting? Trying to get you to take notice of her feelings?

I know you've hidden the details of her father from her with the best intentions, but her behavious to me sounds like she's doing everything in her power to get you to sit up and listen.

I think is was a huge mistake telling her you left because 'daddy wasn't nice' and you are kidding yourself if you think she has no recollection of the events that led up to you leaving, she's capable of having very vivid memories from that age and earlier, I had my tonsils out when I was just 2, I can remember everything from the moment I walked into the hospital to the moment I left, I even remember what dress I went home in, that was nowhere near as horrific as the events your daughter experienced.

She will have some horrific memories that you are denying her the chance to express, by refusing to accept she will have memories and discussing them with her you're just brushing them under the carpet as nonsense. She can't reconcile those memories unless you let her talk about them and admit that that is what her father was like.

I understand that it's always been with the best intention, and you want to protect her from the past, but she needs to be able to release that fear and horror and you need to listen to her, even if you don't want to hear what she remembers.

I really hope you both find peace soon, you knopw there's a good girl in her somewhere, hopefully with the right help you'll be able to find her again.

adouglasmhor

Ravenlady wrote: »

Maybe you missed the bit where she said she devotes as much time as possible or did you choose to overlook that to get your dig in?

Sorry I did miss it, maybe the other poster missed it too, or maybe not. I will read more carefully in future though.

Sorry.

madnessandmayhem

At-wits-end wrote: »

I accept I kept things from her but i also kept the same things from my son.

But your daughter may remember things that happened, or 'flashbacks' or things she isn't even sure are real or not and that could be contributing to her behaviour, whereas your son probably doesnt remember, or processes and deals with it differently to your daughter-we all de3al with different things in different ways.
I can certainly remember events that happened when I was 3- yes it will be hard for her to hear and for you to re-live that by telling her, but then at least the truth is out and then together as a family you can work through it. Ignorance isn't always bliss.
Again i wish you and your daughter all the luck in the world getting through this x