Placing a child in to foster care. + the history

adouglasmhor

At-wits-end wrote: »

Are you for real? Ok, i'l go get a loan, max out my overdraft and be a good parent because those who don't have a lot of disposable income are rubbish parents

I know you are stressed but that is the exact opposite of what was meant.

chocolate.buttons

I've never been in your position OP but it sounds like your daughter's confusion and anger are proving too much for her to deal with and are manifesting in her destroying things/getting drunk. I do think that she is showing you that she needs to know about her father - obviously not every single detail, and you will need to think hard about your words and tone. Perhaps writing a letter to show her (or read through with her??) might be better because you can really plan what you are telling her. I would imagine - although I may be off the mark here - that there is a very real part of you that wants to forget everything about your ex, and don't want to have to talk about him/remember/bring up things from the past that you would rather forget. Which is totally understandable btw, but your daughter needs you to face this now. So another benefit to writing a letter means that you can become more comfortable with thinking about, and discussing, the painful past that you have done so well to escape.
I'd imagine that your daughter may have felt out of place in your new family - considering that her questions started after the arrival of your current husband, and things seem to have peaked around the birth of your twin boys, the timings I feel are quite telling. As her step family has grown and become your new family, she may have been left feeling an outsider, without a real identity in the new setup. Considering that she knows very very little about her father, with no contact, and no other relatives to speak of, she may have felt like she didn't/doesn't have a family at all anymore. This would explain why her rage is directed only at family, and other areas of her life are seemingly unaffected. Obviously this is all supposition, and may be entirely wrong, but the only way to really get to the bottom of this is to find out from your daughter.
Unfortunately I don't know what to advise re the fostering situation. I think it's crucial that you maintain contact with your daughter, and ask her what she thinks/wants to do. Obviously SS will be able to discuss the different options with you before you make a choice. Best wishes.

Ravenlady_2

I feel for the OP, her situation appears to be a very difficult one and a one that not everyone can relate to however I have seen a few replies that's makes me wonder what sort of cute and cuddly world some other poster live in. This is clearly a mother who has done the best she could but seems shes damned if she does and damned if she doesn't.

To be honest if i had put up with that behaviour I would have snapped long ago and brayed the child, if my DD bit a baby so hard he needed stitches it probably would have been the last thing she'd do.

I agree with the OP of not telling the child everything, for all we know the mother could have been raped, tortured, beaten to a pulp or set on fire herself.

adouglasmhor

There is a world of difference between telling the child everything and telling her nothing.

If my child bit a baby i wouldn't have accepted nothing is wrong with her from a health professional.

Ravenlady_2

dirtysexymonkey wrote: »

jennysmith mentioned time and money. you focused on only money. thats very telling.

I find this comment appalling and quite frankly disgusting, what exactly is it telling you?

adouglasmhor

Ravenlady wrote: »

I find this comment appalling and quite frankly disgusting, what exactly is it telling you?

That time isn't seen as important maybe?

squoog

I'm so sorry. You have been through hell and maybe thought you had something of a happy ending when you met your new partner. I'm sure you want to leave it all behind you, but you owe it to your daughter to go over it all as much as she needs.
She is an individual, born at a different time to her brother her life experiences will be different, her bonding with you/her dad will have been different. It sounds clear that the arrival of the twins must have felt like the last straw to her. I know some of this as I also have 4, the youngest being twins. Was very hard on one of the older ones.
Have you had any counselling? You need care and understanding but so does your daughter. She will forgive your behaviour I'm sure, but it sounds like you need help to start again, with honesty and courage.
It might be hard for you to go over the past but she needs her past validated. she may not have clear memories but much of who she is and how she deals with her emotions will have been learned in that early environment. She needs time to unpick it all. On top of all this she is a teenager and trying to work out who she is.
She needs to know you are in charge and as others have said, that you are the adult and she is the child. You love her but there are boundaries and consequences if she crosses them.
Have you considered seeing a family therapist? I'm only guessing but I wonder if you avoid confrontations because of your history, but she pushes you to explode because she needs the to deal with issues that are being avoided.
I really hope you can all come through this together, especially when you have little extended family.
Sending you love and hugs xx

Ravenlady_2

At-wits-end wrote: »

She was referred to camhs by our GP and they concluded that she had no underlying illnesses and appeared to a happy healthy child.

When she calms down she always insists that she doesn't know why she snaps, I try and do things with her as often as I can but with the other children we only tend to spend saturday and sundays mornings together, we go to the farmers market, do some shopping, go to a cafe or hairdressers but even then she can snap in a matter of seconds.

We used to have a good relationship and even though she was lively at times there was a lot of happiness.

It changed for the worse after I had the twins even though she was ecstastic when we found out it was twins, came to scans, played with the baby things endlessly and generally seemed very happy to be a big sister when they were actually here it was a different story.

I know she is jealous but I cant pop them back in now, if I would I could but its impossible

I think your doing a brilliant job :T

Ravenlady_2

adouglasmhor wrote: »

That time isn't seen as important maybe?

Maybe you missed the bit where she said she devotes as much time as possible or did you choose to overlook that to get your dig in?

Ravenlady_2

The above aimed at dirtysexttroll