Placing a child in to foster care. + the history

puddy

Cornish_piskie wrote: »

OP - I feel for you. Do you know the one piece in your OP that jumped out for me was this line:

I refused to go further in to details with her which enraged her, i contemplated telling her but no child needs to hear that.

To me it's very clear that she did need to hear - all she probably had in her mind was a jumble of memories and your scant information that he wasn't very nice to you all. Don't you see that this has totally confused her? Your DD is 14 - quite old enough to handle the facts (maybe not all and maybe not in the deepest detail) and you should give her the opportunity to absorb what happened, to ask questions and to have honest answers. To her mind it must sound like you left her father for trivial reasons - 'not very nice' could mean that he didn't let you go shopping every day, didn't let you have a dog, didn't let you have your friends in the house not that he was an evil, violent man.

I would hope that, with the help of counselling, mediation and lots of honesty between the two of you, that you might salvage the relationship. Please don't give up on her - it may be easy for me to say that as I'm not walking in your shoes - but you've achieved so so much, to lose your daughter to care now would be a crying shame for you both.

Wishing you lots of strength. Take care x

but ultimately he is her dad, she may have created a fantasy in her head of what he may have been like, even with this scant feeling that someting wasnt right. if she did put him on a pedestal and feel in awe (as much as a 3 year old can) then this feelign will be even more complex and uncomfortable

also what was life like in the aftermath of leaving, was mother emotionally available or was she withdrawn and just relieved to be away from him, did she seek support to deal with the child's behaviour, did she get ratty with the child

the problem with domestic violence is that the impact on the abused parent is that they often struggle to be emotionally available for the children because they have been so ground down, depressed, broken. later, when children react to that (even if they are not able to verbalise it) the parent becomes very defensive about the possibility that the child could be reacting to the parent's ability to connect with them because they are both victims. any suggestion of the above seems to be interpreted by the parent as a criticism of their parenting when in fact its an explanation of how a child interprets the parenting they had, its not about blame

KiKi

darlyd wrote: »

It's not all parent's fault, especially not in my case, and by the sounds of it, op's place either.

I have said nowhere that it's the fault of parents, nor the OP. In fact, I remember very recently posting a very supportive post to you in regard to your daughter.

What I said is that whilst the OP is angry, and whilst living with a child with anger issues can be very distressing, the OP seems to be cross because the child got drunk, came home, caused a fight - and so hit her and put her in a cold shower.

I've no doubt the OP is at her wits' end. But the child was in a home suffering from very severe and horrific violence. The OP did well to get them out, but from the very basic information provided (of course a lot goes on that the OP can't detail here), it seems that the OP is blaming the child for betraying her, reporting her, and for not giving back when the OP has done her best for her.

I can understand the feelings - I can. But the OP asked for advice, and I offered my opinion, which was neither nasty nor cruel, but suggesting that hitting her child is not going to help the situation.

darlyd wrote: »

Some people who have not been through this, can not understand. Let that go over your head. :A

The OP and yourself live with very difficult situations, which I don't. I appreciate that. But telling the OP to ignore replies from those who aren't in the situation isn't necessarily helpful. Sometimes an outside view helps.

Think I'll step away now.

KiKi

Darlyd

KiKi wrote: »

I have said nowhere that it's the fault of parents, nor the OP. In fact, I remember very recently posting a very supportive post to you in regard to your daughter.

What I said is that whilst the OP is angry, and whilst living with a child with anger issues can be very distressing, the OP seems to be cross because the child got drunk, came home, caused a fight - and so hit her and put her in a cold shower.

I've no doubt the OP is at her wits' end. But the child was in a home suffering from very severe and horrific violence. The OP did well to get them out, but from the very basic information provided (of course a lot goes on that the OP can't detail here), it seems that the OP is blaming the child for betraying her, reporting her, and for not giving back when the OP has done her best for her.

I can understand the feelings - I can. But the OP asked for advice, and I offered my opinion, which was neither nasty nor cruel, but suggesting that hitting her child is not going to help the situation.





The OP and yourself live with very difficult situations, which I don't. I appreciate that. But telling the OP to ignore replies from those who aren't in the situation isn't necessarily helpful. Sometimes an outside view helps.

Think I'll step away now.

KiKi

Was not aimed at you KiKi, Am sorry if you thought it was, it was aimed at the post you quoted.

You have been very supportive, along with many others.

Just gets my goat up when people feel the need to blame the parents all the time.

dirtysexymonkey

darlyd wrote: »

Was not aimed at you KiKi, Am sorry if you thought it was, it was aimed at the post you quoted.

You have been very supportive, along with many others.

Just gets my goat up when people feel the need to blame the parents all the time.

and it annoys me when 'parents' dont accept any responsibility for the child they raised. but thats ok in your book obviously. whatever makes you feel better about your situation eh.

Cornish_piskie

If I was in her position knowing that my father tried to strangle me and threatened to set my brother on fire would make me think that I did something wrong and send her further off the rails

I disagree OP, it's the not knowing that has sent her off the rails. Anyone who thinks 'what they don't know, doesn't hurt them' is very wrong. She's not daft, she knows something happened but you won't tell her. Inside she is screaming because she needs to know. She can only imagine what happened - for example what if she is wondering whether her father sexually abused her and you won't tell her? She needs to know what happened so that she can deal with it. You are denying her that right.

At-wits-end

puddy wrote: »

but shes already told you what she wants and it isnt an ipod its information about her dad or lifestory type information

did she have contact or knowledge about her paternal grandparents? does she have half siblings through her father? does she have the same surname as her half siblings through you? does she share your surname? does she have pictures of her dad?

She and her brother have my maiden name, we have no contact with paternal grandparent, my parents separated and my mother passed away a few years ago. I dont have any siblings but I have a very close friend from school and our children often regard themselves as cousins but as far as family goes we are it.

I dont know if they have half siblings or not, its not been high on my priorities to try and trace him

puddy

At-wits-end wrote: »

Thank you, the lady who visited us yesterday suggested it would be a good idea to get together at the weekend and go through step by step of why we had to go, they are going to try and get hold of her reports by the child psychologist although I am sceptical.

If I was in her position knowing that my father tried to strangle me and threatened to set my brother on fire would make me think that I did something wrong and send her further off the rails

although how you speak about her dad will be very important. when you met him and how you got together, would you be able to speak about that, or will you only tell her really frightening stuff about him

have you ever said 'you're just like your father'?

At-wits-end

dirtysexymonkey wrote: »

and it annoys me when 'parents' dont accept any responsibility for the child they raised. but thats ok in your book obviously. whatever makes you feel better about your situation eh.

I accept I kept things from her but i also kept the same things from my son.

At-wits-end

dirtysexymonkey wrote: »

jennysmith mentioned time and money. you focused on only money. thats very telling.

Are you for real? Ok, i'l go get a loan, max out my overdraft and be a good parent because those who don't have a lot of disposable income are rubbish parents

puddy

At-wits-end wrote: »

Are you for real? Ok, i'l go get a loan, max out my overdraft and be a good parent because those who don't have a lot of disposable income are rubbish parents

i think the point of that post was that you are focused on seeing the solution as giving her money, or you think that this is what the child really wants

i dont know where you have picked up that the implication was that you are a a) a rubbish parent or b) a rubbish parent because you dont have disposible income??

if you have a lot of underlying guilt about the past, this will be transferred onto situations like this and it wont help. you need to be honest with yourself about how you feel about the past and its impact on your relationship with her

the fact you keep focusing on 'easy' targets like shes jealous of the younger children, shes angry because she doesnt get the latest fashion, shes angry at this or that because she was told off or 'no' - the fact these are your targets suggests to me that its too painful for you to address the past with yourself and it will never get better while you sweep this under the carpet