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Placing a child in to foster care. + the history

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Comments

  • jennysmith wrote: »
    My Mother was never physically violent but mentally very very distructive to me I drank at any moment possible (from 14) and smoked weed (from 16) to take away the pain. I personally, looking back now, I wanted attention, love, to take away old memories...I had nothing to focus on and nothing to look forward to in life which is why I did what I did. I even today suffer with panic attacks which has developed in replace of my anger

    I am sure you arn't like my mother, she is one sandwich short of a picnic to say the least.

    I find your behaviour disgraceful but understandable...but you cant stop violence with violence.

    I suggest you take interest in what she is interested horses, art, motorbikes etc etc and invest the time and money in her and her interests and give her somthing to focus on, aims in life and belief in herself. For me it was tropical fish when a local employer gave me a chance

    At the moment im pretty sure I am one sandwich short of a picnic, however how do you stop violence? Hugs, kisses and reassurance only go so far and eventually stop having any effect as she has learnt that nothing bad really comes from her behaviour.

    I invest as much time as possible however not everyone can supply a unlimited stream of money to appease a child. Great if you can however I cant.
  • OP - I feel for you. Do you know the one piece in your OP that jumped out for me was this line:

    I refused to go further in to details with her which enraged her, i contemplated telling her but no child needs to hear that.

    To me it's very clear that she did need to hear - all she probably had in her mind was a jumble of memories and your scant information that he wasn't very nice to you all. Don't you see that this has totally confused her? Your DD is 14 - quite old enough to handle the facts (maybe not all and maybe not in the deepest detail) and you should give her the opportunity to absorb what happened, to ask questions and to have honest answers. To her mind it must sound like you left her father for trivial reasons - 'not very nice' could mean that he didn't let you go shopping every day, didn't let you have a dog, didn't let you have your friends in the house not that he was an evil, violent man.

    I would hope that, with the help of counselling, mediation and lots of honesty between the two of you, that you might salvage the relationship. Please don't give up on her - it may be easy for me to say that as I'm not walking in your shoes - but you've achieved so so much, to lose your daughter to care now would be a crying shame for you both.

    Wishing you lots of strength. Take care x
  • At the moment im pretty sure I am one sandwich short of a picnic, however how do you stop violence? Hugs, kisses and reassurance only go so far and eventually stop having any effect as she has learnt that nothing bad really comes from her behaviour.

    I invest as much time as possible however not everyone can supply a unlimited stream of money to appease a child. Great if you can however I cant.
    jennysmith mentioned time and money. you focused on only money. thats very telling.
    Hi, we’ve had to remove your signature. If you’re not sure why please read the forum rules or email the forum team if you’re still unsure - MSE ForumTeam
  • Darlyd
    Darlyd Posts: 1,337 Forumite
    id be ashamed. not that youve tried to get help but of how your speaking about your child. i suspect your daughters problems dont begin and end with her father.

    id question why you felt the need to have more children if one you had was like you say?
    There is just no need for that.
  • darlyd wrote: »
    There is just no need for that.

    theres no need for the op to speak of her daughter in such a way. this is a message board. she claims to be a long-term poster so should be aware that by putting her story on here she is inviting all opinions, not just ones from people like you.
    Hi, we’ve had to remove your signature. If you’re not sure why please read the forum rules or email the forum team if you’re still unsure - MSE ForumTeam
  • puddy
    puddy Posts: 12,709 Forumite
    but shes already told you what she wants and it isnt an ipod its information about her dad or lifestory type information

    did she have contact or knowledge about her paternal grandparents? does she have half siblings through her father? does she have the same surname as her half siblings through you? does she share your surname? does she have pictures of her dad?
  • Darlyd
    Darlyd Posts: 1,337 Forumite
    theres no need for the op to speak of her daughter in such a way. this is a message board. she claims to be a long-term poster so should be aware that by putting her story on here she is inviting all opinions, not just ones from people like you.

    I agree, the OP is fully aware this is a public forum, It's pretty obvious.

    She came here to share her story, and perhaps gain some advice/support from the "Understanding" Posters, Who MAY have gone through this themselves, OR just understand.

    But then because this is a public forum, there is always at least ONE troll who gets off on some people's misfortunes, who should be ashamed.
  • I'm guessing too that your daughter reminds you very much of her father - that might manifest itself in a resentment towards her that you yourself are unaware of portraying but that she is picking up. It's not just word, expression and deed which show our emotion, when people are very close to us they can feel emotions - positive and negative.
  • Hi,
    I didn't want to just read and run x
    I know you say she doesn't know what happened with her dad, but maybe she does-maybe she does have memories, or what she thinks are memories but she isn't sure, and she is, by asking about him, asking you to confirm what she can remember.
    Maybe because you haven't sat down with her and explained exactly what did happen, she doesn't feel able to talk about it, and that is why she is getting angry.
    She may be jealous of the twins, because they have their dad and she doesn't???
    Sorry if i'm not on the right track just trying to throw a few more ideas into the mix.
    Maybe her being in foster care temporarily may be a good idea short term-you can both have a bit of breathing space, and your other children can relax a bit.
    Would the 2 of you be able to sit down, with someone else as mediator, and talk about what happened, and why she feels so angry?? You're right, there are some things that children should never have to know, but maybe she needs to be told a bit more than she already has-would you be able to seek advice from social services about the best way to approach this with your daughter??
    I really hope you can find some peace for your family, but please dont let her feel like she has been abandoned xx
    Good Luck x

    Thank you, the lady who visited us yesterday suggested it would be a good idea to get together at the weekend and go through step by step of why we had to go, they are going to try and get hold of her reports by the child psychologist although I am sceptical.

    If I was in her position knowing that my father tried to strangle me and threatened to set my brother on fire would make me think that I did something wrong and send her further off the rails
  • darlyd wrote: »
    I agree, the OP is fully aware this is a public forum, It's pretty obvious.

    She came here to share her story, and perhaps gain some advice/support from the "Understanding" Posters, Who MAY have gone through this themselves, OR just understand.

    But then because this is a public forum, there is always at least ONE troll who gets off on some people's misfortunes, who should be ashamed.

    so anyone who doesnt agree with you is a troll? you have a strange view.
    Hi, we’ve had to remove your signature. If you’re not sure why please read the forum rules or email the forum team if you’re still unsure - MSE ForumTeam
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