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Placing a child in to foster care. + the history

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  • adouglasmhor
    adouglasmhor Posts: 15,554 Forumite
    Photogenic
    That's very sad but sadly typical RAS.
    The truth may be out there, but the lies are inside your head. Terry Pratchett


    http.thisisnotalink.cöm
  • Unfortunately there are those who chose to batter people to death over bets for breakfast with no other reason than that.

    I would be scared in the OP's shoes too.
    Little Person Number 4 Due March 2012
    Little Person Number 3 Born Feb 2011
    Little Lump Born 2006
    Big Lump born 2002
  • mikey72
    mikey72 Posts: 14,680 Forumite
    Ravenlady wrote: »
    But this child isnt just naughty, she has deliberately inflicted suffering on her entire family. This isnt a case of the child refusing to tidy her room or throwing a teen wobbly, it could be a case of life and death the next time she goes for someone less than half her size.

    Safety of the babies must come first.

    While I don't disagree,safety of all members of the family is important. The babies don't come first, but do need more protecting.
    Despite best efforts, it seems time to get more professional help, and also the daughter seems more able to control herself away from the famiy for the time being.
    Foster care would let others see her as herself, and be able to call on help for her if needed, or give her more chance to come to terms with herself.
  • anguk
    anguk Posts: 3,412 Forumite
    I really feel for the OP and her whole family, I think it would be best if for now the daughter remained in temporary care and they all got the professional help they need. I do think the girl needs to know what went on with her father and she needs help dealing with that but she also need help with her anger issues.

    I'm not condoning what the OP did when the daughter came in drunk and attacked her sibling but I can understand how the OP had come to the end of her tether, years of abusive and violent behaviour by the daughter must have taken their toll. Teenage strops and temper tantrums are one thing, deliberately attacking her younger siblings, to the point where they've needed hospital treatment or their lives are in danger is another.

    If the OP had wrote her post but substituted the word "daughter" for "husband" everyone would be telling the OP to leave for the safety of herself and her younger children. The behaviour the daughter is displaying is domestic violence, extremely abusive toward her family, injuring them yet behaving like a model citizen in front of anyone else. How many times do we get posts on here from women who are suffering at the hands of their husbands who then go on to say that all their friends and acquaintances think he's a perfect husband & father?

    I really hope the daughter can get all the professional help she needs, maybe she would get that if she remained in care? I do think the OP should still regularly see and talk with her daughter to try and understand where all this anger is coming from and maybe with the help of someone qualified talk through what happened when the daughter was younger? But we have to also remember that this also affects the younger brother and two babies, their safety and well-being is paramount too.
    Dum Spiro Spero
  • shegirl wrote: »
    It's ridiculous opinions like that that encourage people to ignore their responsibilities

    Can I just point out that nowhere did I suggest in any way that the daughter's needs should be ignored, which is in fact very far from my view.

    What I suggested was that sometimes there is no real way forward for some people. How does the average parent 'mend' an Ian Brady or a Rosemary West? Come to that, how well does society do with such people? Wishing and hoping doesn't actually do much to help, does it?

    The OP has tried all the obvious avenues, sought help for her child and done as much from the family's own resources as any parent could. The daughter has resisted every approach, and continued to fight on in a battle in which she is both the main protagonist and the loser. I know of no emotional force more powerful than mother love but even a saint can snap, given enough provocation.

    Perhaps the child has the same personality and/or mental disorder that fuelled her father's outrages. If so, the girl needs medical help but in the meantime, both she and her family need protection ... there's no getting away from that unpleasant fact, is there?
  • shegirl
    shegirl Posts: 10,107 Forumite
    edited 15 September 2011 at 3:27PM
    Can I just point out that nowhere did I suggest in any way that the daughter's needs should be ignored, which is in fact very far from my view.

    What I suggested was that sometimes there is no real way forward for some people. How does the average parent 'mend' an Ian Brady or a Rosemary West? Come to that, how well does society do with such people? Wishing and hoping doesn't actually do much to help, does it?

    The OP has tried all the obvious avenues, sought help for her child and done as much from the family's own resources as any parent could. The daughter has resisted every approach, and continued to fight on in a battle in which she is both the main protagonist and the loser. I know of no emotional force more powerful than mother love but even a saint can snap, given enough provocation.

    Perhaps the child has the same personality and/or mental disorder that fuelled her father's outrages. If so, the girl needs medical help but in the meantime, both she and her family need protection ... there's no getting away from that unpleasant fact, is there?

    Sorry,but I don't think she has tried everything and what she has done to her daughter and her attitutude towards her will do far from help.No,it's not easy but the op needs to be open with her daughter for a start instead of hiding things from her and lying to her,hitting her and shoving her in a cold shower!When people suggested things she instantly thought it was all about money!When talking about doing things with her daughter it was going to farmers markets etc

    Her behaviour needs to be witnessed,advice has been given about that.The mother should try doing something regarding her daughters interests to give her daughter a safe feeling and bonding -not bloomin farmers markets etc she's 14!!!She needs to be honest about the past without being too detailed but she also needs to let her know there were positives too,the daughter clearly doesn't feel secure,doesn't know who she is,knows her mother lies and yes,the girl has problems,but all the blame,seeing her as a burden or whatever does not help.Ok,so it may be hard for the mother but as a mother she needs to take responsibility for her part in all of this and do everything she can to help her daughter
    If women are birds and freedom is flight are trapped women Dodos?
  • I think the OP should put herself in her daughters shoes, her daughter as she puts it has no recollection of how bad her dad was, all she knows is one minute she is living with mum and dad, nxt their escaping out the window and ending up as refugees, all her home life which she thinks was alright has been took away from her, then she has to deal with new surroundings, new schools, new step dad and new siblings, when she questions about her father her mother is reluctant to tell her anything.

    No wonder she has got behavioural problems, no one has really sat her down and spoke the truth (which she has a right to know and wants) everyone is different on how they cope with situations in their lives but not to be given the truth, well i think that may send me a little bit off the scales as well!

    Isint the saying honesty is the besat policy? Sometimes we have to tell the truth wether it hurts or not, at least the person can mill it around their head and sift through it and then learn to deal with it but not to know has got to be one of the hardest things to deal with.

    I dont think the child has been given a fair chance and I sincerely hope the mother can see that and get the correct help for both of them.
  • Errata
    Errata Posts: 38,230 Forumite
    10,000 Posts Combo Breaker
    How very sad, I hope the daughter gets the help and therapeutic treatment she is clearly in need of, and which is probably far beyond any parent's capabilities.
    .................:)....I'm smiling because I have no idea what's going on ...:)
  • RAS
    RAS Posts: 36,118 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 10,000 Posts Name Dropper
    shegirl wrote: »
    Sorry,but I don't think she has tried everything and what she has done to her daughter and her attitutude towards her will do far from help.

    It may be useful if we remember that the mother in this situation is almost certainly also suffering from PTSD and unless that is fully addressed her responses to some triggers may be automatic rather than reasoned.

    She will also find it harder to parent well if her resources are reduced because of her past history.
    If you've have not made a mistake, you've made nothing
  • shegirl
    shegirl Posts: 10,107 Forumite
    RAS wrote: »
    It may be useful if we remember that the mother in this situation is almost certainly also suffering from PTSD and unless that is fully addressed her responses to some triggers may be automatic rather than reasoned.

    She will also find it harder to parent well if her resources are reduced because of her past history.

    She may well be and of course it is stressful for her,but she does need to realise her part in this,and if she has issues herself then she also needs to help herself too.
    If women are birds and freedom is flight are trapped women Dodos?
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