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Placing a child in to foster care. + the history
Comments
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Please explain how, nose smashed across the face and a bite are both deliberate injuries. Both bloody painful and both probably bled like a river.
I dont think you've been on the receiving end of an encyclopaedia before.
They are very different though.Quite a few people throw things in anger,some without thinking it will do much,others without meaning to hurt someone,some just a little 'ah f**k',kids sometimes just have a thing about throwing things,or can react in a tantrum style throwing manner,so it could've been seen as harmless childhood stupidity by the hospital.
Biting,on the other hand,is quite primitive.It's like animal instinct/aggression - a sign of complete loss of control,it's ravenous
Ouch to the encyclopaedia though!That must've really hurtIf women are birds and freedom is flight are trapped women Dodos?0 -
It sounds like she is being triggered by seeing your twin sons happy, safe and loved and the feelings that her life at that age was not like that. As she was so young at the time, she probably doesn't have the words to express the overwhelming feelings that she has. Instead she's perpetrating rage and violence, as that's what was done to her. It's quite possible that she doesn't understand why it's happening.
I agree with the others that say you need to tell her something about her Dad - not all the gory details - but to explain enough so that she can make sense of her experiences. She will need counselling but maybe she isn't ready to deal with that yet. The sooner she has a chance to deal with what you've all been through the better I would have thought.
Sorry you're all in this situation. Good luck. Please don't blame her. She's a troubled child, who's been through a harrowing experience in the most formative years of her life. She needs love and help to deal with it.December 2010 wins - 12 month Four Four Two subscription; Alcatel OT 708 phone; Miffy cuddly toy; Nivea gift pack0 -
This may seem a bit insensitive, but coming from someone who has witnessed the british care system first hand i would say it will only make her worse. Most girls naturally go through phases of finding themselves and usually can range from having mild rages to absolutely horrid behaviour. I think she already feels alone being in care will only make her worse, Its hard to explain how to deal with it if you haven't been through it yourself. I would say filling her with lots of positivity and ambition.The greatest help you can give her is discipline, consistency and patience. I know it sounds easier than it will be but the best things in life are never easy. It is very easy for me to pass judgements but sometimes experience is the best teacher i think her horizon needs to be broadened as she does not seem to realise how lucky she is to have a loving family. Ps some sort of kids boot camp might help boost her confidence and improve her self discipline. Hope she gets better0
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I haven't read the whole thread, but just want to offer my support to the OP
I too was in a similar situation
It came to the point I was begging Social Services for help, they didn't want to know.
My DD was a danger to herself and others
Long story short, I couldn't take anymore, broke down when she was handcuffed in my driveway by the police I had to admit defeat.
She went to live with her father (SS had no where else to put her, though he wasn't viewed kindly by SS)
That was shorted lived and now she lives with my parents, she is still as bad but now it is directed at my parents
Seems she hates the ones who have to lay down rules
It was the hardest decision I have ever made in my life for her not to live here, but I have the best relationship with her now. It is so strange
I think it maybe for the best if your daughter goes into care, it may rip you apart, but you will probably find she gets the professional helps she needs.
Whilst she's with you the authorities probably won't bother helping0 -
sandyrosie75 wrote: »I haven't read the whole thread, but just want to offer my support to the OP
I too was in a similar situation
It came to the point I was begging Social Services for help, they didn't want to know.
My DD was a danger to herself and others
Long story short, I couldn't take anymore, broke down when she was handcuffed in my driveway by the police I had to admit defeat.
She went to live with her father (SS had no where else to put her, though he wasn't viewed kindly by SS)
That was shorted lived and now she lives with my parents, she is still as bad but now it is directed at my parents
Seems she hates the ones who have to lay down rules
It was the hardest decision I have ever made in my life for her not to live here, but I have the best relationship with her now. It is so strange
I think it maybe for the best if your daughter goes into care, it may rip you apart, but you will probably find she gets the professional helps she needs.
Whilst she's with you the authorities probably won't bother helping
But there is a strong consensus on this thread that the root is the the OP has refused since the age of 8 or so to tell her daughter why they left her father at the age of 3. It is the simple fact that this has never been allowed to enter the equation which has meant that all professional involvement to this point has been useless. Just letting the daughter go into care without addressing the root of her problem is almost certain to deny further professionals access to the root issue.
As I see it, the OP has to face her own demons in order to give her daughter the wherewithal to deal with hers. Any fostering at the moment should be a temporary arrangement while the OP works her own way through to the point where she can say those things she needs to say. Only after that and a review would it be appropriate to consider long term fostering.Hi, we’ve had to remove your signature. If you’re not sure why please read the forum rules or email the forum team if you’re still unsure - MSE ForumTeam0 -
I am offering my support to the OP as I know how tough things can get, you can't see the wood for the trees, temporary foster care sounds advisable in this situation, but at the end of the day that is between the OP and SS
May give each party to have some space to deal with whatever 'demons' there maybe
I don't think it is very productive to verbally attack the OP.0 -
DVardysShadow wrote: »Well, we don't know the root of your daughter's problems. So it is a bit of a leap to apply what you did to the OP in this case - particularly as you admit you have not read the whole thread.
But there is a strong consensus on this thread that the root is the the OP has refused since the age of 8 or so to tell her daughter why they left her father at the age of 3.
It is the simple fact that this has never been allowed to enter the equation which has meant that all professional involvement to this point has been useless. Just letting the daughter go into care without addressing the root of her problem is almost certain to deny further professionals access to the root issue.
As I see it, the OP has to face her own demons in order to give her daughter the wherewithal to deal with hers. Any fostering at the moment should be a temporary arrangement while the OP works her own way through to the point where she can say those things she needs to say. Only after that and a review would it be appropriate to consider long term fostering.
The op was clearly trying to protect her kids by not telling them the truth.
A friend of mine was in his teens when his mother divulged some very awful things the father had done to her over a decade before, when my friend was a child. My friend had not asked his mother, she just brought it up out of the blue. The nature of the incident totally did my friends head in, he went off the rails and ended up needing counselling. I really do not see what his mother gained by screwing his head up in this way.The opposite of what you know...is also true0 -
This may seem a bit insensitive, but coming from someone who has witnessed the british care system first hand i would say it will only make her worse. Most girls naturally go through phases of finding themselves and usually can range from having mild rages to absolutely horrid behaviour. I think she already feels alone being in care will only make her worse, Its hard to explain how to deal with it if you haven't been through it yourself. I would say filling her with lots of positivity and ambition.The greatest help you can give her is discipline, consistency and patience. I know it sounds easier than it will be but the best things in life are never easy. It is very easy for me to pass judgements but sometimes experience is the best teacher i think her horizon needs to be broadened as she does not seem to realise how lucky she is to have a loving family. Ps some sort of kids boot camp might help boost her confidence and improve her self discipline. Hope she gets betterThe opposite of what you know...is also true0
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At-wits-end wrote: »... My children were taken in to care that evening, ... On tuesday they returned asking if I would be willing to place DD in to permanent foster care ...Im so torn at the moment, she is in temporary care until I come to a decision ...
I'd be reluctant to advise permanent foster care, but temporary respite (and hopefully SS will put in place some form of support) is the ideal for all of you right now. Use this time to reflect on what has happened, to try to appreciate everyone's perceptions (including those of your dh and all of your children) and to find ways in which you can forgive your daughter, forgive yourself and work out how you can move forward.
As a long term/permanent fix - I believe that would cause more problems than it would solve.
Wishing you the very best of luck - it's a very difficult situation to have to face and live through (for all of you!) and I really hope you find a way forward which will bring you all closer together.0 -
The op was clearly trying to protect her kids by not telling them the truth.
A friend of mine was in his teens when his mother divulged some very awful things the father had done to her over a decade before, when my friend was a child. My friend had not asked his mother, she just brought it up out of the blue. The nature of the incident totally did my friends head in, he went off the rails and ended up needing counselling. I really do not see what his mother gained by screwing his head up in this way.
The big difference is that the daughter asked questions but was fobbed off, whereas your friend did not ask anything. I think your little story illustrates that the best approach is just to answer questions - because the questions are effectively a guide to the depth to which the child wishes to know and also an indicator of the maturity level to which answers should be pitched.Hi, we’ve had to remove your signature. If you’re not sure why please read the forum rules or email the forum team if you’re still unsure - MSE ForumTeam0
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