PLEASE HELP - How to let a dying man down gently

Money_maker

paddy's_mum wrote: »

You do realise that this can't go on, don't you?

Your husband really should be backing you up in this since unless this interloper is dealt with, what you may be dealing with soon is a divorce. Have you thought of that?

My thoughts exactly.

This is becoming everyday routine for him and unless you break it permanently (not just make excuses) then you have a new member of the family. I am a softie also but am very possessive of time alone with my family.

BigBlackcat

cjj wrote: »

Thanks again everyone.
Kay Peel you get this so well, your advice makes so much sense.
Well I rang oh today and suggested he had a week long science homework project to help ds with this week (wink wink)>
However he turned up on his own having had a little awkward conversion with friend explaining that I am very worried about the chemo situation. He did not mention my ocd. Friend said "oh so no coffee tonight" and looked a bit hurt. TBH did not think oh had it in him and I am very proud that he did this for my peace of mind. We have got all sorts of jobs done tonight it has been a great relief to have a night off. As for tommorow.................................................

So, am I reading this right? Your DH essentially put the blame on YOU rather than man up and put a stop HIMSELF to this appalling situation.

It's an awkward situation for sure, but tip-toeing around the issue isn't going to solve anything. Nobody should have to put up with this intrusion night after night. But, if neither of you have the backbone to put a stop to it, it's something you'll just have to live with...

busiscoming2

How old are your children? Can you just not answer the door when he comes round? I am afraid I believe in honesty wherever possible and I would say to him how sorry you are about his terminal prognosis and you don't mind him coming round say once or twice a week, but that you both have lives and a family too who need your attention. After all you never know when your time is up.

Teenie_D

I have to agree with coolcait he is taking the pee, especially turning up last night after your OH telling him not to come round the night before, surely he should have gotten the hint.

You need to either start mading excuses or be blunt and tell him straight that he can't use you like he has been.

happyhaddock_2

Hi, I've been following this from the beginning and have to say you have my sympathy. My toes are curling up in frustration for you and I'm not even involved, it would drive me absolutely potty to have to "entertain" an "outsider" in my house virtually every day and I'm sorry but ill or not I would soon start to resent them and dread them coming round.
I think you've been a saint for putting up with it for so long, but you definately have to draw the line now. Unfortunatley even if he is ill, he is putting too big a burden on you and your family, I'm afraid I would of cracked by now and would of had to say something. Hope you get it sorted, good luck xx

Mrs.W_2

If you do not mind the chap visiting a couple of nights a week, then a bit of forward planning might be the way to go.

Simply inform him that your family life needs to get back on track - jobs to do around the house, relations to visit, time as a family needed, etc - and that he's very welcome to visit on, say, Tuesdays and Thursdays but the rest of the week nights are not open house nights.

Also, as your husband seems reticent, why not take the bull by the horns and, after informing you OH what's going to happen, tell the chap yourself.

Just keep smiling as you tell him and to prevent any 'sad puppy' faces, immediately hand him a cup of tea and a biscuit at the end of your forward planning meeting.

smartpicture

I had a similar situation when the couple next door split up. The wife didn't work and started coming round every evening as soon as she saw my car getting in from work and staying until bedtime. I liked her, but not all the time! Dropping hints didn't work, so eventually I made the excuse that I couldn't afford to keep feeding her every night. The next evening she was sat waiting on my doorstep with a pizza for 1 in her hand! Well that was the last straw, especially as she hadn't even brought a pizza big enough for two after all the food she'd eaten at my house. We had a big row and I didn't see her again a month.

We did eventually make up and can laugh about it now, she explained she was just feeling needy and lonely after her marriage break-up and I explained I liked her company but needed some time on my own too. But it would have been much better to have a sensible, truthful conversation about it earlier, rather than wait until I was fuming with resentment and we had a blow-up.

Bennifred

newcook wrote: »

how about a twist on words?!?!

'since you've been diagnosed with this horrible illness its made us realise just how precious time is with our loved ones so we have decided that from x o'clock it will be family time. you are welcome to be here until that time but we as a family need quality time as do you with yours'

Brilliant! :T

euronorris

coolcait wrote: »

No one wants to believe that someone could make up a story like "I've got terminal cancer".

Unfortunately, people do it.

A woman at my sister's work claimed she had cancer when questioned about repeated sick days, and got away with it for months when they finally insisted on a doctor's note, a letter from the hospital, anything to prove the claim was true and she couldn't provide it. When pushed, she broke down and admitted it was all a lie.

cjj_2

Wow such a lot of helpful advise since I last looged on. A MASSIVE thankyou to everyone for the advise, help and support.
I have decided there is only one way to go with this. If oh cant do it I will. I am going to say now winter is comming we need to get back into the routine of getting all the jobs done in the house etc. Its the same every winter. During summer we are busy with kids sports commitments and in winter we catch up at home. It is not offensive either. Surely he can see that whilst he is sat there nothing gets done x