PLEASE HELP - How to let a dying man down gently

Kay_Peel

cjj wrote: »

It oh I need to convince with this though as he wont lie to him. x

Yes I agree that your OH needs to be on board. He must know that this is driving you round the bend, what with your OCD and the draining effect of the man's relentless need for company.

OH has two options:

(1) If he doesn't want to lie to the visitor then he can be honest with him. (I suspect that he's too cowardly to do this and will put his family through all kinds of hell to avoid it).

(2) He can be subtle and let the visitor down gently by changing his own routine.

Quite rightly he wants a bath, food and to veg out in front of the TV when he gets in from work He deserves it. He should take his bath when he wants to and not wait until the man leaves. Run his bath and tell him to get into it!

The meal bit is difficult - I know this only too well.
I suggest that you take his meal up to him after his bath and let him eat it in the bedroom if he doesn't like that he only gets half portions and will have to share with the visitor (only kidding - he needs his grub!)

I still think he should switch off the TV at the same time every night and bid the visitor goodnight.

I also think he should be more proactive in saying things like: 'It's not convenient for the next couple of nights. See you on

---

day! Bye!'

The visitor seems to be thriving these days and not at death's door. This could go on for months or years so your OH needs to do something soon, for his own family's sake but particularly for yours.

I know what you're going through, unfortunately and would not want to go through that again.

thorsoak

I know there are different chemo treatments for different cancers, but when OH was having chemo, he had 1 treatment lasting 3 hours in cancer centre, then came home with tablets for the next week. During that week and the following 48 hours he was advised not to socialise, nor have contact with anyone with coughs colds etc because his resistance to infection would be extremely low. Maybe, as we are coming into winter, your family could have had contact with lots of coughs/colds/flu which would make your home "unsafe" for your visitor????

lizziem_2

Hi

I would tell the truth personally. I find if you invent things it usually comes back to bite you, maybe you might forget what you have previously told him and say something different or he may overhear you and hubby talking or something else - either way when it comes out you have lied it may make him and you feel even worse. My advice would be to write down what you want to say and plan it. Then sit down with him calmly and say it. There is nothing wrong with wanting your own time and needing to care for your family. And I think it would be better to deal with it now, honestly and calmly, than say something you may regret later on in anger or frustration, or for him to find out you made something up to get rid of him.

How ill is he? I mean, is there any way he could maybe contribute around the house to make up for taking your time and eating your food? Or could he contribute money or food himself?

pigpen

I would eat my own dinner.. dish up OHs and go into the living room and say OH... your dinner is in the kitchen go get it before it is cold.. and make him eat it! .. And id probably say I will run you a bath while you eat so you can get straight in.

I am rather cheeky though and would about 9pm ask when he was leaving.. I wouldnt make a reason why he had to go or an excuse about why I wanted rid I would just say when are you going? At about 9:30/10 I would ask him to leave..politely.. but firmly and with no room for saying he will go soon..

There_Goes_Trouble

I think I would want to find out why he's spending so much time at yours before trying to cut the time down. You just might be providing a lifeline that he can't do without. I don't mean that you should be providing this, but maybe he needs some sort of counselling to give him the help he needs. Maybe he finds that his family are so focussed on his illness and the thought that he's dying that he prefers to spend his time with you, maybe it's because you treat him 'normally' and he can forget about his illness whith you. Perhaps he gets very depressed at home. My sister's father in law was recently diagnosed with terminal camcer and given a prognosis of 9 months. The effect on the family was profound and they were struggling to stay positive. He sadly had a stroke and died a week later, but that's what makes me wonder about the reason this mad prefers your home to his own.

Could you start a conversation like this and make it about him and his welfare, rather than about your own needs? Something like "we've noticed you spend an awful lot of time with us and not with your family. Given your illness I'd have thought you'd want to spend as much time as possible with them, is there a reason you don't like going home?" That may give you some answers which could lead to finding him an alternative.

I don't know if this is an option, but could you telephone the Macmillan nurses for a chat? They will have come across this situation before I'm sure and may have some advice. If there are problems at home coping with the diagnosis they may be able to offer support.

If there are not problems at home then I would start saying things like "would you mind leaving at about 7pm tonight? OH and I have got a few things to do and we really would prefer a bit of privacy for it". If he asks what you have to do, just re-iterate that it's private and you'd prefer not to discuss it.

cjj_2

Thanks again everyone.
Kay Peel you get this so well, your advice makes so much sense.
Well I rang oh today and suggested he had a week long science homework project to help ds with this week (wink wink)>
However he turned up on his own having had a little awkward conversion with friend explaining that I am very worried about the chemo situation. He did not mention my ocd. Friend said "oh so no coffee tonight" and looked a bit hurt. TBH did not think oh had it in him and I am very proud that he did this for my peace of mind. We have got all sorts of jobs done tonight it has been a great relief to have a night off. As for tommorow.................................................

Kay_Peel

Brilliant! :T It's a start and that's the main thing.

Give that hubby a big cuddle. :beer:

cjj_2

Already done Kay Peel & thanks x

Ravenlady_2

My brother had cancer 3 years ago and even though he beat it he was so sick and weak following treatment he was unable to work for a year plus time off after treatment ended to build his strength back up, I appreciate cancer takes its form in many different area's but to be given a terminal diagnosis nearly 6 months ago and outliving the diagnosis so well he is able to keep on working and socialising is nothing short of either a miracle or a perversion of the truth.

I am not trying to imply that he may have misled you over his diagnosis but does he look fit and healthy to you?

I would voice your concerns to his wife if you are able to contact her, as he is at your house so much and him being so ill you really do need to know what to do if he takes ill at your home, where to take him to, stage of his cancer treatment and the name of his oncologist/macmillan nurse.

I hope you get this sorted quickly, I hope I am wrong in thinking it may be a fabrication but its not uncommon to feign a illness in order to attract attention.

cjj_2

Thanks Ravenlady he is not working but he hangs out at oh work most days. I think deep down the problem is that his family dont seem to give a damn about him. Not that I know them but its just the impression I get from him. I am starting to wonder why he does not look or act sick though. But I cannot believe he would lie to us. I just dont know what to think tbh x