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PLEASE HELP - How to let a dying man down gently

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  • cjj wrote: »
    I really dont think I could do this as I am very soft am trying to figure out in my head how I could say it without stammering and feeling really bad. Thanks for helping
    Good idea Lara44 will try and bring this up with him, Thanks
    Unfortunately newcook he has a car and just turns up and leaves when he wants. Thanks for the help
    bluenoseam once again thankyou so much for your good advice.
    I do clean toilet with gloves now but when the kids pee on the rim they just wipe it with loo roll and its now in my head (ocd) that they are at risk. I cant help myself from worrying. I wish I could speak to his family but as I have never met them this will be hard.
    I take comfort in the fact that every answer given has seen my side of this. Really dont want to come accross as heartless as I am not at all. I do feel guilty though as I keep thinking who is the poor man harming. He hasnt been to oh work today as we have argued several times on the phone today so I asked oh to text and tell him we are arguing so best not to come. Oh refused so im really feeling sick with worry that he will just turn up. x
    your not heartless. your just putting your family above your husbands stalker. maybe you should show your oh this thread? might force him to get a bit of backbone and put his wife and children above some stalker. good luck op!
    Hi, we’ve had to remove your signature. If you’re not sure why please read the forum rules or email the forum team if you’re still unsure - MSE ForumTeam
  • CH27
    CH27 Posts: 5,531 Forumite
    As a short term measure I would get your OH to tell him to stay away for a few days as one of the children has a bug.

    Could you say to him that you have some jbs to do in the evenings & needs your OH's help to do them & therefore can he only come on a certain night ie friday?
    Try to be a rainbow in someone's cloud.
  • Kay_Peel
    Kay_Peel Posts: 1,672 Forumite
    I think you need to 'let him down' very, very gradually.

    I had a similar problem with someone who just turned up and stayed all evening. I felt guilty about sticking to my normal routine, feeling that I had to talk to them and knowing that they did not want to return to a lonely house. They were so grateful for nourishing meals and company and I was tearing my hair out, angry and resentful.

    I was surprised at how easy it was to condition them to change. The first thing I did was to rescue my evenings. It was a charade. I invented things - a sick friend, babysitting, parents' evening. Once, I packed myself, dog and the children into the car and drove somewhere just to escape. On other nights I used to switch off the TV at 9.30 and say that I was so whacked that I needed to go to bed. Eventually they got used to me switching off the TV at 9.30.

    The meal thing was quite hard. I fed the children and went without or ate after 9.30pm. Sounds terrible I know - but I was so determined to stop them.

    The important thing was to change the routine of sitting down to watch TV. I found other things that were pressing - ironing in the kitchen to the radio, taking the dog for a walk with the children (in the dark!) anything just to break the habit. It was hard but I got my sanity and my privacy back. I had had to put everything on hold before and put their needs before mine.

    Good luck!
  • bluenoseam
    bluenoseam Posts: 4,612 Forumite
    I must admit i thought about the dogs comment and thought it was a bit bizzare as one of the precise comments was with regards to animal feaces & avoiding it unless 100% totally "if you don't clear it the world will all die" necessary! Further to this was being banned from take-aways, public transport, mass meetings etc - although nothing compared with the gutted feeling of being told that i couldn't "wrestle, either in a traditional or professional for entertainment fashion" or skydive due to my radiotherapy!

    (incidentally, when i told my head radiographer that i'd have sold my soul & my entire family down the Clyde for a chinese takeaway or a fish supper she told me "go for it son, if you can eat it, the hell with anything else because lord alone knows it could be a while before you can eat one by the time we're finished!" - so i had the chinese & spewed it back up thanks to the chemo making me ill! Turned out the next time i was in for chemo they forgot to feed me, so i checked myself out of hospital in the middle of snow 2ft deep to go get a chippy, the nursing staff were very jealous when i informed them on my return that i'd had a sausage supper!)
    Retired member - fed up with the general tone of the place.
  • lisa26_2
    lisa26_2 Posts: 2,100 Forumite
    How about telling him you're worried about how little time he's spending with his own family and perhaps he should change that and try and sort things out with them while he still can?
  • cjj_2
    cjj_2 Posts: 6,588 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 1,000 Posts Combo Breaker Cashback Cashier
    Kay_Peel wrote: »
    I think you need to 'let him down' very, very gradually.

    I had a similar problem with someone who just turned up and stayed all evening. I felt guilty about sticking to my normal routine, feeling that I had to talk to them and knowing that they did not want to return to a lonely house. They were so grateful for nourishing meals and company and I was tearing my hair out, angry and resentful.

    I was surprised at how easy it was to condition them to change. The first thing I did was to rescue my evenings. It was a charade. I invented things - a sick friend, babysitting, parents' evening. Once, I packed myself, dog and the children into the car and drove somewhere just to escape. On other nights I used to switch off the TV at 9.30 and say that I was so whacked that I needed to go to bed. Eventually they got used to me switching off the TV at 9.30.

    The meal thing was quite hard. I fed the children and went without or ate after 9.30pm. Sounds terrible I know - but I was so determined to stop them.

    The important thing was to change the routine of sitting down to watch TV. I found other things that were pressing - ironing in the kitchen to the radio, taking the dog for a walk with the children (in the dark!) anything just to break the habit. It was hard but I got my sanity and my privacy back. I had had to put everything on hold before and put their needs before mine.

    Good luck!
    OMG kaypeel this is so close to what is happening right now its unreal. Guilty sticking to my nightly routing, feeling I have to sit and chat. Last night I told oh I was going to bed as I knew he would then leave as our bedroom is downstairs just off the lounge. My oh is the one eating late as I can escape to other room with kids. I have thought already about doing what you say and it is such a good idea but oh is always shattered after long day and is never up for going out unless special occassion. I think thats why his friend knows he is always home. Thankyou for your advice x
    Cherish those you have in your life because you never know when they won't be there anymore.

    No matter how you feel, get up, dress up & never give up.
  • cjj_2
    cjj_2 Posts: 6,588 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 1,000 Posts Combo Breaker Cashback Cashier
    CH27 wrote: »
    As a short term measure I would get your OH to tell him to stay away for a few days as one of the children has a bug.

    Could you say to him that you have some jbs to do in the evenings & needs your OH's help to do them & therefore can he only come on a certain night ie friday?
    Thankyou i have thought of the jobs idea and I think its a very good one. I appreciate your help x
    Cherish those you have in your life because you never know when they won't be there anymore.

    No matter how you feel, get up, dress up & never give up.
  • OP, you sound like a lovely person, please don't feel guilty...however, I do agree with other posters who say there is something not quite right about this....I'm surprised that a man on chemo feels well enough to be out every day for a start, then theres all the infection risks he seems happy to ignore. The stuff about the family "not caring" does not seem right either, even if I was married to a tyrant, if he only had 2 months left, I'd put everything aside for him, despite my feelings, and I think most of us would too, in our heart of hearts. OP, I feel you really need to investigate things further.
  • cjj_2
    cjj_2 Posts: 6,588 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 1,000 Posts Combo Breaker Cashback Cashier
    Thanks missbishi the days he dosnt come are the days he has chemo and for 48 hours later. Think the chemo must be over 2 or 3 days x
    Cherish those you have in your life because you never know when they won't be there anymore.

    No matter how you feel, get up, dress up & never give up.
  • cjj_2
    cjj_2 Posts: 6,588 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 1,000 Posts Combo Breaker Cashback Cashier
    I think I may as well go with the invent a life on an evening plan as making excuses as to why he cant come today etc will be quite short term. It oh I need to convince with this though as he wont lie to him. x
    Cherish those you have in your life because you never know when they won't be there anymore.

    No matter how you feel, get up, dress up & never give up.
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