PLEASE HELP - How to let a dying man down gently

Mojisola

cjj wrote: »

Thankyou for all your replies of help I appreciate it. I dont think there is anything creepy about him though just seems a bit sad and lonely. Think this is caused by problems at home. Think oh has known him a while but has only recently got really friendly. Forgot to say he often brings his laptop to our house so he can watch ebay items he is bidding on lol x

What on earth is a man with a terminal diagnosis buying?

Amanda65

cjj wrote: »

Thankyou for all your replies of help I appreciate it. I dont think there is anything creepy about him though just seems a bit sad and lonely. Think this is caused by problems at home. Think oh has known him a while but has only recently got really friendly. Forgot to say he often brings his laptop to our house so he can watch ebay items he is bidding on lol x

There may not be anything creepy about him but he certainly seems to be using your house / OH works as a substitute home. As I said in my earlier post I do wonder if he is as ill as he is making out ? Whilst him not having terminal cancer would obviously be a good thing, if he's using that as a way to gain your sympathy and your OH's time then if not creepy it's certainly weird and dishonest.

Having broken the routine last night I would be very tempted to say to him that you need some family time together (unsure of your children's ages but surely they want some time with you and their Dad, need help with homework etc. now school is back). Perhaps you could say to him that he would be very welcome to join you for supper on, for eg, a Tuesday and a Thursday (and you can make cheaper dinners that 'stretch' - go see what the Old Stylers can do with one rubber chicken :rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:) and wean him off you that way.

I do genuinely feel sorry for this poor man if he is ill and has no support at home, and completely understand that you want to help, but do think you have to consider the impact this is having on your family life and take some control back. Good luck xx

Mojisola wrote: »

What on earth is a man with a terminal diagnosis buying?

And this really made me chuckle !

cjj_2

Thanks everyone. Amanda65 that was my plan last night a large science project for ds however oh had already had a word but I dont know how long before he is back. Great idea about the rubber chicken lol x

reeree

it seems strange that he spends more of his waking hours with you and your husband than he does in his own home, does he ever talk about the cancer and where it is he has it, as someone else already said it seems strange that he can eat so much so soon after having chemo although l accept that it dosent make everyone sick, what an awful predicament for you to find yourself in, l love my family time and would hate it if someone encroached on that, once or twice a week would maybe be ok but not every night, is he there at weekends as well ?

cjj_2

Hi
Hes back !
And yes he does come at weekends. He was here friday night, a good part of saturaday and sunday we got in at 8pm and he turned up at 8.15. He talks to oh about his illness but not me. Thanks for advise you have given me x

reeree

cjj wrote: »

Hi
Hes back !
And yes he does come at weekends. He was here friday night, a good part of saturaday and sunday we got in at 8pm and he turned up at 8.15. He talks to oh about his illness but not me. Thanks for advise you have given me x

i used to have a neighbour that came round every day at 5.30 even though she knew we would be in the middle of tea, she used to talk endlessly about herself but at least l knew she would be gone after an hour, l used to dread her knock on the door so l really feel for you it must be awful, you are very kind to put up with this every day, hopefully between us all we can come up with something to help you x

lostinrates

cjj wrote: »

Hi
Hes back !
And yes he does come at weekends. He was here friday night, a good part of saturaday and sunday we got in at 8pm and he turned up at 8.15. He talks to oh about his illness but not me. Thanks for advise you have given me x

Although I think this needs tact and I share everyone elses concerns about what the ''real situation'' might be, in the first instance you need your home back.

You have children....perhaps '' a teacher could have sent a note'' saying a child isn't performing well so you and dh can decide to spend a few weeks cementing evening routine of homework help, family time then sleep...obviously you and your husband are going to miss your evenings with him but the kids' needs come first so.....

Teenie_D

This probably sounds really daft but does he definately have a home to go to? He's not been chucked our or left of his own accord has he. Yesterday when I read this thread it was in the back of my mind and again when I read some more it popped into my head again. It was just with the being at your house at all hours of the day, bringing his lappy along to check things, being so hungry all the time....... I'm probably completely wrong mind you

Poor you CJJ,it must be awful not to be able to relax in your own home hope you sort something out soon.

paddy's_mum

You do realise that this can't go on, don't you?

Perhaps it's time you turned off the lights, locked the doors and just became not available. I cannot believe that anyone can be that thick!

Why can't you say, the next time he comes home with your hubby "excuse me, Jim, but would you mind giving us a miss for a night or two ... I want to have a row with OH/take my husband to bed/talk to my hubby about my awful (insert female problem here, since most men wouldn't know a fallopian tube from an archery target at twenty paces) ... anything so long as you get your home back to yourselves again.

Perhaps you could arrange for the dreaded Mother In Law to come to stay for a week or two, or farting Aunt Agatha or Cousin Roderick with his Rottweiller ...

Your husband really should be backing you up in this since unless this interloper is dealt with, what you may be dealing with soon is a divorce. Have you thought of that?

Good luck.

coolcait

Well, a few people have hinted at it, and one or two have been more direct.

I'll be brutally blunt.

It sounds like you/your OH are being taken for a ride.

No one wants to be the person who says "Cancer? No, I think you're being taken for a ride".

No one wants to believe that someone could make up a story like "I've got terminal cancer".

Even though you see it, again and again, in stories about con artists who have been caught out and taken to trial.

However, you don't have to ask this man if he really has cancer or not.

You just have to learn how to say 'No' to him visiting every day, and 'No' to him staying late. And 'No' to him being with you pretty much all weekend.