PLEASE HELP - How to let a dying man down gently

Ravenlady_2

Sorry i think i misread it, does he work with you OH or just goes to his work to see him?

I also didnt think patients could take their notes home with them.

Either way, good luck OP!

Ravenlady_2

cjj wrote: »

Thanks Ravenlady he is not working but he hangs out at oh work most days. I think deep down the problem is that his family dont seem to give a damn about him. Not that I know them but its just the impression I get from him. I am starting to wonder why he does not look or act sick though. But I cannot believe he would lie to us. I just dont know what to think tbh x

I shouldn't skim read!

If you saw his notes what and where exactly is his cancer, im no doctor but most who have been given a terminal status have secondary cancers?

He could very well be having chemo and is responding well to it but maybe he went a bit OTT and thought he was dying initially (Dr Google can make anyone think they're dying)

cjj_2

Hi Ravenlady what i saw were his appointment cards and loads of leaflets about chemo etc x

Ravenlady_2

Well im sorry to sound like a cynic but my son picked up leaflets about erectile dysfunction, STD's and blood clots on the way out from my hospital appointment. I have neither.

TeaForOne

Couple of points about chemo. Some are excreted unchanged or in a hazardous form, so the instructions about not sharing toilets are for your protection not his. However, you can deal with it. Just think - hospital cleaners do it all the time. Use a bleach cleaner (don't mix it with toilet descaler) and wash your hands thoroughly with soap and water afterwards. Make sure the kids wash up after they have used the toilet too.

Also, treatment often wipes people out for a day or two. He's unlikely to be being treated for several days. And chemo is used in many terminal cases to slow progression and buy time.

Regarding the two months - it's very possible he has not understood the prognosis. Doctors don't generally give exact dates like this. Perhaps it was a worst case scenario.

Try getting him to talk about it. If (and I hope this isn't so) he's lying he will trip himself up. If you and OH are going to support him further try using Macmillan or Bacup websites or any other cancer charity websites for advice. Good luck.

Ravenlady_2

Has his treatment caused him to loose his hair? I am only going by my experience of my brother and the people I met whilst going with him to have treatment but most lost their hair, along with eyebrows, most body hair and 3 of them their eyelashes ( i didnt want to stare so could have been more) The only ones that didnt lose their hair was a lady having chemo after a molar pregnancy and a man with a melanoma.

What are you OH thoughts on this?

*Sorry I know I sound like im on a witchhunt

jonty1970

My dear friend, who sadly passed away, had breast cancer which spread.
She lost her hair straightaway because of the chemo.
She told me how she was kept in a special room and had to use a special toilet. She joked that she had radioactive wee!
They didn't let her waste go down a normal drain.

I too find it strange that he gets over his treatment quickly and spends nearly all his time with you.

Like someone else said, if it wasn't for the illness, you would think of him as a stalker.
And he has the cheek to bring his dogs with him!
You're own family would not put on you like this man.
Even old friends would not put on you like this.

And you hardly know him. How did your OH meet him and let him come into his workshop in the first place?

I don't want to panic you, but how much do you know about his history?
The more I have read, the more it seems he is using his "illness" for sympathy, so you let him stay at your home.
If it's true, that is creepy, especially since you have children.

You need to get to the bottom of it. And get rid!

If he is genuine, why is he hanging around your family all the time?

mudgekin

Hi OP

The situation that you are describing sounds rather strange to sday the least but I must put a few misconceptions to bed. Haematology and Oncology are my areas of practice

First

jonty1970 wrote: »

My dear friend, who sadly passed away, had breast cancer which spread.
She lost her hair straightaway because of the chemo.
She told me how she was kept in a special room and had to use a special toilet. She joked that she had radioactive wee!
They didn't let her waste go down a normal drain.

Not all types of chemotherapy or radiotherapy cause you to loose your hair, it very much depends on the actual chemotherapeutic drug used. For someone to be kept in a special room and having to use a special toilet means that they have an implant of a radioactive isotope.

This is completely different from chemotherapy which does NOT cause radioactvity and therefore doesn't present any danger to anyone else nor need special toilet facilities.

When someone is kept in a single room with separate toilet this is when extremely strong chemo is used that wipes out a person's immune system such as the drugs used for bone marrow and stem cell transplantation. The person is much more at risk from you than you are of them.

The most common side effects that you would expect to see as a genaralisation and please bear in mind that all drugs work differently and that all tumours are treated with different drug combinations are:
weakness and lethargy
tiredness
nausea and/or vomiting shortly after administration of the drug
occasionally diarrhoea

I wouldn't expect someone who is activly recieving chemo to be able to be out and about visiting for the length of time that this man is hanging around your family as they just wouldn't have the stamina for it.

Chemo can be used in a couple of ways, as an active treatment to "cure" or as palliative treatment to shrink the tumour and alleviate some of the distressing symptoms and keep the patient comfortable.

I personally think there is much more to this than meets the eye and I think that all the other posters who have responded to you raising alarm flags are right on the button even when there may be the odd bit of misleading information regarding chemo etc. The sentiments of alarm are all very valid.

While I have seen many many patients who have outlived their initial life expectancy estimate especially if it has been given that they will only survive a couple of months, I have never seen any who have not only outlived it but are leading what would seem to be a full and active life unless they have been cured or had a dramatic response to chemotherapy.

Most patients know exactly what drugs they are on, it seems to go with the territory. It may be worth asking him the name of the drugs and where the tumour is although I have encountered 2 very very clever patients who had maunchhausen sysndrome who knew more about their fictitious "disease" than the junior doctors

Feel free to PM me OP

busiscoming2

You don't always loose your hair with chemo. My mum had Bowel cancer and her chemo didn't make her very sick or loose her hair but hers was administered in a bag attached to her arm, without a stay in hospital. She carried on as normal, her only symptom was tiredness and sometimes pain but that didn't stop her carrying on normally.

Maybe it is the same as your oh's friend?

cjj_2

Thankyou for all your replies of help I appreciate it. I dont think there is anything creepy about him though just seems a bit sad and lonely. Think this is caused by problems at home. Think oh has known him a while but has only recently got really friendly. Forgot to say he often brings his laptop to our house so he can watch ebay items he is bidding on lol x