PLEASE HELP - How to let a dying man down gently

cjj_2

Thankyou jonty1970 I told oh as I feel it should come from him to tell him that we are having arguments and its not pleasant at ours at the moment so not to call. Oh says he cant tell him this and I said why not it is true we are arguing. I think oh should make it about us and not him, because he is very welcome to call every now and then just not as much as he does. As he is primarly oh friend I think it would best come from him, although I have said if he dosnt say something it will force me to. He nearly feel asleep on sofa other night and his dogs bark at me when I come home.The ocd worries are the main thing along with loss of family time though.x Thankyou Amanda65 I must say I did wonder this myslef what with the appetite. He literally never refuses anything to eat and when I send apple and plum crumbles to his family (as he brings me fruit) he eats the whole thing to himself. I have seen some hospital appointment cards though and surely no one would make this up. Oh did pick him up from hospital. Think oh knows more about the medical stuff im not quite sure where the cancer is. Oh is self employed and his friend and 2 dogs spend a lot of days at the workshop with him. x

cjj_2

Thankyou pinkmoo (sorry I cant add thanks to your post as the thanks button is not visable. Will do it later when it reappears)
I think there has been a change of heart with the doctors not really knowing what they are dealing with. I think the chemo is about prelonging his life as much as possible now, although I could be wrong x

Mojisola

cjj wrote: »

Thankyou jonty1970 I told oh as I feel it should come from him to tell him that we are having arguments and its not pleasant at ours at the moment so not to call. Oh says he cant tell him this and I said why not it is true we are arguing. I think oh should make it about us and not him, because he is very welcome to call every now and then just not as much as he does. As he is primarly oh friend I think it would best come from him

It's very difficult for you both. If you don't mind looking like the baddie, it could be easier coming from you. You would get your family time back and your OH can still be a support for him. He can say to his friend - It's alright coming to see me at work but you know that cjj doesn't want you at the house all the time. Come on Saturday and then I'll give you a lift home at xxpm.

bluenoseam

Chemotherapy elements are generally "excreted" via bodily functions, standard cleanliness routines are sufficient to deal with these, given by the time they get through the body & are "ditched" they tend to have lost much of their potency anyways, i would expect that anyone undergoing chemo would understand the basics of good practise we're kinda told about and would be extremely careful to avoid any risks. While there is a slight chance of cross contamination, it's also fair to suggest that if it was of an unsafe risk he wouldn't have been sent home where he could endanger his family too. Chemo is generally "cleverly stupid" - stupid in the fact that it doesn't care what it hits it'll go for it, clever in the fact that generally they're generally aggressive, but also swift, kinda think of it as punching themselves out prior to being expelled, atleast that's what i was told!

I would hope that if you're halfway sensible then you'd be wearing gloves to clean the toilet anyways, that's nothin to do with OCD more along the lines of "ewwww cleaning toilets is disgusting" - as i said, if there was any real danger he'd have a disaster kit (because i had a 5-day pump, i had several of them at home when i'd finished - would have made a cracking halloween costume!) but by the sounds of it he's on "hospital delievry" stuff. A lot of what you read is horror stories, trust me if you believe half the stuff you'd read then you'd honestly consider it a miracle that anyone survives cancer - sometimes it's a case of people writing a lot of stuff which scares them, what medical people tell you (and what people who aren't as "worried") will be that there CAN be consequences but that it's more about understanding the risk level. To people who read the side effects and think "oh no - that'll happen" they can't see it, to medics or the sensible people they understand the risk exists but also the level in which it exists, which generally speaking in the way we're talking here the level is low, problem is that if 1 person experiences it they HAVE to by law tell you about it, which doesn't help those who worry about it!

But as i said, perhaps a quick word to his family and get the point across that you feel he could benefit from local services aimed at giving practical advice to people who need it, they need it and well, no offense to your OH he's probably not best qualified to help this guy fully and ultimately he needs to realise that his family is the important factor in this, nothing stops him being there from time to time, but slightly less.

newcook

or you could try slight bluntless while he's there - if OH drives him home you could say in front of him 'did you want to give your mate a lift home and I'll start dishing up', or a bit more bolder 'blimey, we'll have to start charging you board the amount of time you spend here!'

Lara44

Hey OP

What a difficult situation. Bluenoseam what a thoughtful and helpful post. I agree you or your OH should talk to this new friend and say you have noticed that he spends a lot of time here and not at home. If you can get him to discuss it then it would perhaps be a big relief to him to have someone to talk to. You can then suggest that no matter what troubles are happening at home, he should really spend some time there, given his prognosis. You could point out that there are no chances of any reconciliations taking place is he just absents himself from the house altogether. This would be good advice given as friends with his best interests at heart, that would also have the desired effect of renewing your own family time. HTH

dirtysexymonkey

i really think you need to be blunt op. it must be horrible not being able to relax in your own home because of this man. i dont think having cancer is an excuse for making other people miserable. he needs to be told to go away. if he wasnt ill hed be called a stalker. thats what he basically is. he hangs around your husband all day when hes trying to work and then follows him home and hangs around there until midnight! the time for being nice is over. if hes in your house when you get home tell him to leave because you want family time. no ifs or buts, just be firm. if he thinks your joking just repeat it until he realises. hes not your problem. id be tempted to have words with his selfish wife and children too. theyre the ones who should be keeping him company, not you. hes impacting negatively on your life. you need to stop it now.

cjj_2

dirtysexymonkey wrote: »

i really think you need to be blunt op. it must be horrible not being able to relax in your own home because of this man. i dont think having cancer is an excuse for making other people miserable. he needs to be told to go away. if he wasnt ill hed be called a stalker. thats what he basically is. he hangs around your husband all day when hes trying to work and then follows him home and hangs around there until midnight! the time for being nice is over. if hes in your house when you get home tell him to leave because you want family time. no ifs or buts, just be firm. if he thinks your joking just repeat it until he realises. hes not your problem. id be tempted to have words with his selfish wife and children too. theyre the ones who should be keeping him company, not you. hes impacting negatively on your life. you need to stop it now.

I really dont think I could do this as I am very soft am trying to figure out in my head how I could say it without stammering and feeling really bad. Thanks for helping
Good idea Lara44 will try and bring this up with him, Thanks
Unfortunately newcook he has a car and just turns up and leaves when he wants. Thanks for the help
bluenoseam once again thankyou so much for your good advice.
I do clean toilet with gloves now but when the kids pee on the rim they just wipe it with loo roll and its now in my head (ocd) that they are at risk. I cant help myself from worrying. I wish I could speak to his family but as I have never met them this will be hard.
I take comfort in the fact that every answer given has seen my side of this. Really dont want to come accross as heartless as I am not at all. I do feel guilty though as I keep thinking who is the poor man harming. He hasnt been to oh work today as we have argued several times on the phone today so I asked oh to text and tell him we are arguing so best not to come. Oh refused so im really feeling sick with worry that he will just turn up. x

margaretclare

I agree with what bluenoseam wrote about the risks of infection to someone on chemo. My DH's first cousin spent weeks and weeks in hospital because of acute myeloid leukaemia, on chemo, and it was a bit space-age whenever we went to see him, going through an infection-free ante-room, putting on plastic gloves and aprons, not being able to touch him at all even with gloves on. After months and months, from last August into New Year, he was finally allowed home but under strict conditions, couldn't go anywhere and only recently - a year later - have they been able to go away for a weekend. The precautions against him catching any kind of infection have been stringent and the smallest infection to us could have been lethal to him.

He was also not allowed to drive, and this caused great inconvenience because his wife doesn't drive. It's only recently that he's been allowed to drive at all.

I am therefore amazed that this man is able to do all the things you describe, driving, coming into contact with dogs, using other people's toilets - the risks are not to you or your family, but to him. There is something odd about all this.

newcook

how about a twist on words?!?!

'since you've been diagnosed with this horrible illness its made us realise just how precious time is with our loved ones so we have decided that from x o'clock it will be family time. you are welcome to be here until that time but we as a family need quality time as do you with yours'