PLEASE HELP - How to let a dying man down gently

Amanda65

I'm glad you've reached a decision and however 'difficult' the conversation will be, I am sure you will feel much better once you have had it. If your OH wants to keep contact and is happy for this man to turn up at his work every day then so be it, but you need to claim back your family life before it's too late.

Good for you :T

euronorris

cjj wrote: »

Wow such a lot of helpful advise since I last looged on. A MASSIVE thankyou to everyone for the advise, help and support.
I have decided there is only one way to go with this. If oh cant do it I will. I am going to say now winter is comming we need to get back into the routine of getting all the jobs done in the house etc. Its the same every winter. During summer we are busy with kids sports commitments and in winter we catch up at home. It is not offensive either. Surely he can see that whilst he is sat there nothing gets done x

Be prepared for the 'Oh, you can do that whilst I'm here too, I don't mind.' response.

It might be better to just be honest and say that you need time alone as a family again, but he is welcome to come round 2 or 3 times a week. I would also say that, in future, he will have to leave by X time as you all need your sleep too.

I don't think there is anything rude about saying those things. They are honest, and he really should appreciate that (anyone should).

Bennifred

euronorris wrote: »

Be prepared for the 'Oh, you can do that whilst I'm here too, I don't mind.' response.

It might be better to just be honest and say that you need time alone as a family again, but he is welcome to come round 2 or 3 times a week. I would also say that, in future, he will have to leave by X time as you all need your sleep too.

I don't think there is anything rude about saying those things. They are honest, and he really should appreciate that (anyone should).

I think he is being thick-skinned, rude and selfish, so if you need to be blunt then do so! I do think you will need to be direct, by the sound of it, because he won't just take a hint! Good luck! :A

carolannie

my home is my castle and I wouldn't have anyone coming round like this man does.
I used to have a problem with a family member. They used to come round with their children (our sons were similar ages) and once a week was nice, but they stayed till late evening, when I wanted to put my kids to bed and myself too.

I lost my temper one time and we fell out, but they wouldn't take the hint either.

You have to stand at the door and say "not tonight - goodbye" and shut the door on him. He will show how cheeky is, if he dares knock again.
Keep doing it till he gets the message. Just say no, you can't come in.
(I went on an dealing with stress course and learnt how to say no)

You don't owe him any excuses - it's your home!

or do the easier way - send him a text - tell him he can only come once a week, because you have a family to look after.

He really is not your problem.

pearl123

cjj, you've been really kind to this man.
I'd be inclined to say to this man that you are tired/exhausted and now you require quiet family time. That you need things to get back to normal.
I wouldn't cut him off cold, as he obviously has some problems real/ or not.
I'd be very firm and state something like " You can come between 7'oclock and 8, but no longer thank you." If need be, be blunt and say things can't continue as they have been.
Maybe, reduce his visits down to once-twice a week if you can stand it?

merlin68

I have been in this situation before. Get rid now, me and Oh nearly split up over it. In the end we had to move house.
Now I won't let anyone in ever.

juliethemuse

merlin68 wrote: »

I have been in this situation before. Get rid now, me and Oh nearly split up over it. In the end we had to move house.
Now I won't let anyone in ever.

i am a bit iffy about this sort of thing too, if you give some people an inch they will take a mile, i have had neighbours before who we couldnt get rid off, in the end i just didnt answer the door and they soon gave up,

carolannie

A new family moved in (a few years ago, at my old address)

I liked making friends and thought it was important to get on with the neighbours, especially as we had a neighbour from hell and it was good to stick together.
This family were so cheeky. You gave an inch and they took a mile!

She sent the kids round for bread, tea, coffee, sugar.
The mum obviously thought I was a soft touch and I started to say no all the time. She got the message in the end.

Some people have no shame and they don't care about you. They are only interested in what they can get and what they want.

You are just a thing to them, to use.

Hope this is not what this man is like, but you are getting stressed in your own home.

You can walk on by when people beg or want you to give to charity on the street.

You have it non stop in your home from this man.
It might not be that bad, but you feel upset and have no privacy.

Your hubby needs a rocket up his bum, and tell him at work, ok, but not at home.
You need your privacy and peace!

reeree

how did last night go did he turn up again?

Seanymph

Did you manage to say something? You must you know - not nice people prey on nice people because they are able to not conform to social norms whilst not giving a stuff, and they rely on 'nice' people being too worried about being seen badly. He couldn't care less about you, or your family - you need to get all mummytiger here and stand up for your own. If nothing else it's a very bad example for your children to see you being doormatted.
Can I add to the mix here?
At my kids school a mum had cancer - no hair, headscarf, weekly chemo. She had a lot of church support, they used to go in and cook for her, the kids received counselling (four of them) my SD befriended the daughter because her mum died of cancer, this woman used to ask her a lot of questions about her mum when she visited and say what a big help she was.
After nearly two years of this it transpired she was faking the lot. Her husband took her to the hospital, but never went in she made him wait outside, whilst she drank coffee in the cafe, she hung around the clinics and learnt the names, and got appointment cards somehow, she shaved her hair and pulled it out........ the husband had suspicions but couldn't think it of her so didn't challenge her.
When it all came down around her they changed church, focused on her 'mental health issues' and sought sympathy for that instead of the cancer.
She moved her kids schools - last I heard about a year ago she had 'just been diagnosed with cancer' again at the new school.
This woman was a parasite - and needed taking away from her children for their safety, she never was.
This mans family may well know there is nothing wrong with him. They may not be being unsupportive, they may not know he has told you he has cancer - they may know and not want to get involved - he may be lying through his teeth to them.
Ultimately it doesn't matter because HE'S NOT YOUR PROBLEM. Your children, your husband, your homelife. THAT is your problem.
Take away the support. If he isn't ill you are doing him no favours buying into it and supporting him. If he IS ill then his family deserve this time to make right the wrongs that have gone on between them. Either way you have no business facilitating whatever he is doing to them.
You need to look after your family, tell him, calmly and clearly that he is only welcome on Tuesday and Sundays, or not at all, or between 6 and 8 or whatever - and stick to it. He is obviously manipulative and selfish, stop allowing him to use you to prop up whatever he has going on in his life and start looking out for your kids and husband.
Being 'nice' sometimes means being not so nice to the wrong people in order to be nice to the right ones - you need to be nice to yourself.