PLEASE HELP - How to let a dying man down gently

loracan1

coolcait wrote: »

I understand why you'd feel the way you do (the part in bold).

However, given the title of the thread, and the content of the OP's posts, it is clear that part of the reason the OP - or her OH - haven't simply set some boundaries for this man is because they think he has cancer.

It can be hard enough to say to someone 'You can't come round here so often', without feeling like the meanest person in the universe.

To say it to someone who has told you that they are dying of cancer.... :eek::(.

The bottom line, as you and others have said, is that the OP and her OH need to think of the needs of their own family, and set their boundaries.

If the idea that 'maybe he's not actually got terminal cancer' helps the OP and her OH treat him the same way they would treat anyone else who was encroaching on their family time, maybe it's not such a bad thing to have put it forward.

No, I think that's entirely the wrong way to put it to the OP, the impression I gain from that first post is that she is a compassionate woman who simply wants help in regaining her home, suggesting he's a faker does no-one any favours.

What I would do is take control. Next time he is there, say Monday...say to him as he's leaving that you've got 'a lot on'/'need some family time' over the next few days but we'd absolutely love you to come for your tea on Friday, firm but gentle and friendly and mean it and say as he's leaving 'so we'll see you friday?!'.
And then make a great meal for the friday. If he does turn up in the meantime - you tell him it isn't convenient and you've got a lot to do (don't be specific) Carry on in this way at times that are convenient to you.

3v3

cjj wrote: »

Hi
Thanks again for all your help.
He was not round last night as he was having chemo oh says. Guess he will be back in 48 hours though and I am ready. Honest lol im gonna say something x

How did it go?

DerryLane29

Ive been reading this post and its an awful situation you find yourself in.

If I was in this situation Id have to find out his address and go and see his wife.I would just explain about the amount of times he comes to your home and ask if everythings ok.I would say Im concerned for him and thats why Ive contacted her.

At least then you will see the other side of the story,your only hearing his versions of events.Just because your hubby picks him up from hospital dosent mean hes actually been there for treatment.

Id have to visit his family cjj,you may hear something completley different from what he is saying.

Lifesaver

I agree with DerryLane, go and see his family.

reeree

cjj wrote: »

Hi everyone. I cant honestly say he looks ill. Think oh has seen him looking ill though x Thanks again

have you heard from him since your last post

cjj_2

Hi Everyone.
reeree he has hardly been round last week. I know he had chemo mid week and we had friends round on Sat. Think he may have popped in twice briefly. Havnt had chance to say anything so unless im giving off vibes maybe oh has put him off comming a little because he knows it was getting a bit much for me. Even though it has been a week off from him ive had knots in my stomach a few times when oh has announced "ive a feeling he will call down tonight" at around 8pm ish which for me is the worst possible time. Forgot to mention my cat is non too impressed when he brings his two dogs in. Thanks for your continued support xx

dirtysexymonkey

cjj wrote: »

Hi Everyone.
reeree he has hardly been round last week. I know he had chemo mid week and we had friends round on Sat. Think he may have popped in twice briefly. Havnt had chance to say anything so unless im giving off vibes maybe oh has put him off comming a little because he knows it was getting a bit much for me. Even though it has been a week off from him ive had knots in my stomach a few times when oh has announced "ive a feeling he will call down tonight" at around 8pm ish which for me is the worst possible time. Forgot to mention my cat is non too impressed when he brings his two dogs in. Thanks for your continued support xx

please show your oh this thread so he can understand how this stalker is affecting you. you should be first in your ohs eyes and your feelings need to be heard before he allows a stranger (emphasis on the strange) to upset you like this in your own home.:)

Money_maker

cjj wrote: »

Forgot to mention my cat is non too impressed when he brings his two dogs in.

Thats just downright rude to bring strange dogs into a cats house. Sounds like a good enough excuse to keep him out to me. Really your OH needs to grow some...

Abbafan1972

How are things going, has be been round?

ash28

Amanda65 wrote: »

What a difficult situation for you and your OH and how terribly sad for the man concerned that he does not want to spend as much time as possible with his family.

At the risk of being flamed here, if he was told in March he had 2 months to live (and fantastic if he is still able to carry on relatively normally, ie not bedridden 6 months after the prognosis) is he really as ill as he has said or is there a possibility he is being somewhat economical with the truth to get him out of a horrible situation at home? I (thankfully) have very little experience of cancer but those I do know who have been going through treatment have had very little appetite (you mention this man eats a lot) and sadly when a prognosis has been given it was fairly accurate time wise . As I say I could be completely barking up the wrong tree - and will feel awful if I am - but something doesn't seem to tally.

Also you say he is often at your OH's work - does he work with him or just turn up. In which case what do OH's employers think about this?

I do think though that you and OH are being incredibly kind and sympathetic and if he is as ill as you believe am sure you are bringing him great comfort.

When my mother was diagnosed as terminally ill "they" gave her 6 months - it was 18 months later that she died. I think these things can be very difficult to predict.