PLEASE HELP - How to let a dying man down gently

jonty1970

Seanymph - I used to belong to a forum, and a couple of posters there were liars.
One said she was pregnant, then lost it - people supported her and offered to send her baby clothes and allsorts.

And one said she had cancer. Same thing, people offered sympathy and support.

They got found out, because they forgot what they had said and tripped themselves up.

There are some funny people out there!

Seanymph

strange isn't it. But all these 'not nice' or disturbed poeple rely on people like the OP or the generous forum members to conform to social niceties and keep 'thinking the best' of them.
I was turned, almost overnight, into a bit of a cynic I'm afraid. And I am no longer anywhere near as 'nice' - but my kids would never be exposed to anything like her again.

FagAshLil

I once worked with a woman who had a lot of time off for cancer treatment. She got busted when a senior manager visited her at home - it was all a pack of lies. I think this happens more than we'd like to think.

OP - I don't know how you've put up with this for so long. I would have stood at the door and refused him entry the second time he turned up uninvited, cancer or no cancer.

I hope your OH mans up and sorts this out but I rather think it's going to be down to you. I know it's not easy. My ex-FIL was homeless once and stayed with us for 6 weeks. I nearly cracked up, especially as it was a small flat, he was sleeping in my daughter's bed and smoked 60 Dunhill a day!!

My Ex refused to say anything so I told the FiL that he had to find somewhere to go, as my daughter needed to get out of my bed and back into her's. He didn't like it. He said some terrible things - an awful bully, he was - but I stood my ground and he left the next day (moving into a nice little flat!!).

You've just got to be strong. You can do it.

Grandmama

Been reading this with interst. Have you tried to pop around to his house before he gets to yours? Try popping round on one of his 'chemo' days. If at home he will have to come up with an excuse. You could always tell his wife you are concerned and which hospital ward he is in etc. Have you any other mutual friends to ask on his condition? Failing on finding any answers, the best is the honest way. Just tell him that quite frankly you are fed up with him coming around so often and there are other things for him to do. There are support groups out there, get a few leaflets for him and suggest that you can put him in touch with them. Be firm.

loracan1

19lottie82 wrote: »

OP, apologies if this has been covered, but does he LOOK ill?

I'm no medical expert, but I'd assume that if someone has been diagnosed with x months to live, they wouldn't look too healthy...

Please don't assume this to be true. My mum was still managing to work until 4 months before she died from cancer, my Dad looked the picture of ruddy health mere weeks beforehand.

I find the conjecture in this thread over whether he's 'faking' it a bit tasteless actually and not really a solution to the original post.


ETA: I do think you should make it clear he is only to turn up when invited though, you may have to be less than subtle since some folk simply don't take a hint.

coolcait

loracan1 wrote: »

Please don't assume this to be true. My mum was still managing to work until 4 months before she died from cancer, my Dad looked the picture of ruddy health mere weeks beforehand.

I find the conjecture in this thread over whether he's 'faking' it a bit tasteless actually and not really a solution to the original post.


ETA: I do think you should make it clear he is only to turn up when invited though, you may have to be less than subtle since some folk simply don't take a hint.

I understand why you'd feel the way you do (the part in bold).

However, given the title of the thread, and the content of the OP's posts, it is clear that part of the reason the OP - or her OH - haven't simply set some boundaries for this man is because they think he has cancer.

It can be hard enough to say to someone 'You can't come round here so often', without feeling like the meanest person in the universe.

To say it to someone who has told you that they are dying of cancer.... :eek::(.

The bottom line, as you and others have said, is that the OP and her OH need to think of the needs of their own family, and set their boundaries.

If the idea that 'maybe he's not actually got terminal cancer' helps the OP and her OH treat him the same way they would treat anyone else who was encroaching on their family time, maybe it's not such a bad thing to have put it forward.

Seanymph

I think what I, and no doubt other posters, where trying to do was point out to the OP that there are some very manipulative people in the world. And not everyone plays by the same rules.
His family not being supportive and his behaviour and insensitivity could mean many different things - and one of the options that I have experience of personally was someone who made up that they had cancer.
They did it because it is an automatic sympathy generator and people will not challenge you.
I have also said repeatedly even if he does then he should be with his family not hers.
It is about opening up the OP's possibilities, and helping her to stand her ground with someone who is damaging her home life, and her marriage. It is about taking the cancer out of the equation and hopefully enabling her to be assertive.
The point of forums is to get a wide picture of views - some people have had loved ones taken by this awful disease, and would find the thought that someone would make it up, and then others talk about that, awful. Some of us have experienced first hand that people do that and become parasites on others.
It's not talked about though, but is probably more common than we think simply because no one talks about it. Locally here no one is going into the new school and saying 'she made that up at our school last year'.......... because it feels awful even knowing about it. Yet we watch and know as other teachers are being duped by this woman, and other kids, and other parents.
Talking about things is important - all things - because it helps people to protect themselves. And on a forum it's easier to mention the things that make you feel bad.
Anything that gives the OP strength to stand up for her family has to be a good thing. And shining the light into the corners is often a good way forwards.

seven-day-weekend

Teenie_D wrote: »

This probably sounds really daft but does he definately have a home to go to? He's not been chucked our or left of his own accord has he. Yesterday when I read this thread it was in the back of my mind and again when I read some more it popped into my head again. It was just with the being at your house at all hours of the day, bringing his lappy along to check things, being so hungry all the time....... I'm probably completely wrong mind you

Poor you CJJ,it must be awful not to be able to relax in your own home hope you sort something out soon.

I too had wondered, is this man actually homeless?

NickyBat

What a difficult situation, think i would have to do something though.....just not sure what

pearl123

Balance is what's needed. Just state (firmly) the hours he can pop around.
The is a good chance this man could be unwell, so continuing kindness towards him would obviously be preferable. (Don't get yourself out of pocket because of him.)
If he has been dishonest at all- it will come to light eventually.