Concern about safety/ well being of my daughter - advice appreciated

FattyBettyBoo

Just out of curiosity, would you have a problem with him bathing her if he wasn't 16, i.e. if he was your age?

thegirlintheattic

shazsarg1 wrote: »

Also find out if it is legal for a 16 year old to look after 4 year old child. I though it was illegal unless he or she is a registered, qualified child minder.

Not illegal at all. There is no minimum age to look after children in this country. As long as the child is not placed at risk. NSPCC recommends however that babysitters and the like are 16 or over.

ses6jwg

FattyBettyBoo wrote: »

Just out of curiosity, would you have a problem with him bathing her if he wasn't 16, i.e. if he was your age?

yes i would

sexymouse

There is no legal age for babysitting (which essentially is what he was doing whilst your ex was out). Has your daughter given you any reason for concern? eg Mentioned that it is their special time, or a secret game, or that he touched her in her private parts? As previous posters have stated, it is seen as ok for a 16-year-old girl to babysit a 4-year-old boy and bath them, so unless you are genuinely concerned that she is being harmed by Dave, I don't think it is anything to worry about. However, you may wish to speak to your ex about the fact that you feel uncomfortable with her leaving your daughter at home with someone that young (don't make it about his gender). Do you have a social worker involved in your case as you have a contact order? Could they give advice?

WestonDave

Probably best to seek outside advice - understandably you are so close to the situation its hard to be objective, and there are inevitably other factors at play such as your past disagreements with your ex. I'd be uneasy, but there is a fine balancing act between going in guns blazing so it doesn't happen, or playing more softly so that she doesn't stop communicating with you (or is told not to tell) at which point she may be in more danger.

Emmzi

Have you tried for full custody yourself? If you have serious concerns best give it a go now before she starts school and makes friends.

ses6jwg

I've just off the phone with NSPCC as somebody helpfully suggested.

They said that they could understand why I was concerned and to monitor my daughter's behavior just for anything out of the ordinary in future and to make sure that I set clear boundaries on keeping secrets and areas which are "private".

They said (as I begrudgingly thought) that this is something that really needs to be discussed with my ex partner either directly or via a 3rd party but to go at it softly softly, and to gently voice that I just wanting to check who is looking after our daughter, and that I am not really comfortable with this sort of thing happening.

ses6jwg

Emmzi wrote: »

Have you tried for full custody yourself? If you have serious concerns best give it a go now before she starts school and makes friends.

Perhaps you should put yourself in my situation before you make sarcastic and unhelpful remarks.

heretolearn_2

Ah - so your problem is not at all the boys' age, it is just having another man bathing your daughter. Honestly, you need to get over this one. If you get a new girlfriend is she going to be banned from doing anything like that with your daughter? Bathing her, helping her dress, taking her swimming, cuddles, tickle fights? Anyone coming in as a 'step-parent' role is going to do those things, whether you like it or not. It's not reasonable, and actually extremely offensive, to suggest that any man getting involved with your ex is a perve. And those like Weston Dave who talk about your daughter being in danger are just adding to your hysteria.

It is NOT in ANY WAY abnormal behaviour to give your partner's child a bath.

I've bathed my stepsons umpteen times. Am I a pervert then?

Get over yourself. You just feel jealous of another man doing 'dad' stuff with her. Move on. You will always be her dad and nothing anyone else does will ever change that. If she can have a good 'step' relationship as well be happy for her. Calling the NSPCC because your ex's boyfriend gave her a bath? Jeeeeeeeeeez. Get a grip. And as for them saying 'I can understand why you are concerned' that doesn't mean they agree there is any reason to be concerned, confirming someone's feelings back to them is just a standard communications technique. It is not a normal reaction to call the NSPCC at the thought of anyone male giving her a bath, it's just not.

LisaLou1982

Just my 2p worth but seriously, why is it that people feel the need to bring up whether or not this 16yr old is inappropriately touching the child whilst having a bath?!

Seriously, you should be ashamed. There is nothing to say that this is the case. How would you feel if you were giving your neice/nephew/friends child a bath and someone accused you of it?!