Concern about safety/ well being of my daughter - advice appreciated

jetplane

OK fair point about the single parent.

I haven't read your post about ex's GF kicking off so I wasn't using that or any other particular incident to make a point. I was referring to your numerous posts that popup regards your OH, DD, EX and family dilemmas.

Empathy - I was referring to the OP's difficult relationship with ex GF, custody, access and concerns about his DD. I thought you would empathise with his situation because you have had similar experiences.

I don't remember reading that he actually accused the boy of being an abuser.

Apologies to the OP for hijacking his post.

euronorris

neneromanova wrote: »

Personally I wouldn't really be worried about the bath, more the fact that this 16 year old is left in charge when the Mother goes out to work (Yes I know it's cheap childcare) My sister is 18 and I wouldn't even trust just 1 of my daughters with her! Far too immature

I think that really depends on the 16 year old in question.

I was 16 when my eldest neice was born, and I regularly babysat for her without issue. And yes, that included giving her a bath when needed, feeding, changing, burping etc. Everything required whilst in my care.

It wasn't an issue as I was a mature 16 year old, knew what to do and where to get help if needed.

Perhaps this young lad is the same? More than capable. I think the problem lies in the OP not knowing this lad. Maybe if he did, he wouldn't be so cautious and I would suggest that getting to know him better would alleviate his fears. Is that possible OP?

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel

jetplane wrote: »

OK fair point about the single parent.

I haven't read your post about ex's GF kicking off so I wasn't using that or any other particular incident to make a point. I was referring to your numerous posts that popup regards your OH, DD, EX and family dilemmas.

Empathy - I was referring to the OP's difficult relationship with ex GF, custody, access and concerns about his DD. I thought you would empathise with his situation because you have had similar experiences.

I don't remember reading that he actually accused the boy of being an abuser.

Apologies to the OP for hijacking his post.

And as mentioned - my situation is completely different to OP's, We haven't had "similar experiences" and there aren't "numberous" posts - there's been 2 - Neither have ever been "im concerned about DD being around the GF"

The OP is suggesting there is something "wrong" with the child being bathed by a man who isnt an immidate family member. Whilst the OP doesnt see this gentleman as a family memeber - he is. The guy practically lives in the family home, taking the role of a parent. The OP has stated he would be uncomfortable EVEN IF THE LAD WAS 25 - so this isnt about the age. It's the fact that it is another man who is taking on the role of "dad" and the OP doesnt like it. Understandibly any parent would feel a bit put out by someone coming into the role of "Mum/Dad" - That is the part I can relate to however, I wouldnt/couldnt make acccusations WITHOUT proof. Thats they key thing here. The OP has NO PROOF whats so ever that the child is in ANY harms way. All that has happened is that the child has been given a bath.

I wonder if the OP would react the same if it was a 16 year old female babysitter . . . .

In all honesty - the OP doesnt NEED to know the lad - Providing the Mother/Person with responsibility trusts him then that is enough in the eyes of the law (Will find a quote for this)

If the OP doesnt trust the mother to make well formed judgements then the OP should get off his back side and go to court to get full custody WITH PROOF that the mother is unfit and the child is in harms way

Someone suggested that the OP refuses to return the child after contact - I would strongly recommend the the OP doesnt do this. Because the child is living with the mother, and has for a while, the courts will take a very dim view on the OP keeping that child and the mother could put in for an emergency residency order (Which, at the moment from OP's posts - she doesnt have) the OP is worried - fair enough. But they have no proof that anything is wrong about the situation. The child hasnt stated anything has happened, didnt seemed frightened when OP bathed her, hasnt mentioned "special games" etc. It is purely the OP over thinking things. From what I've read the OP and ex don't have any form of good communication - It may back fire on the OP if he goes in guns blazing to the ex, who can stop access as there is no court agreement in place and OP would need to go to court for this.

ses6jwg

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel wrote: »

And as mentioned - my situation is completely different to OP's, We haven't had "similar experiences" and there aren't "numberous" posts - there's been 2 - Neither have ever been "im concerned about DD being around the GF"

The OP is suggesting there is something "wrong" with the child being bathed by a man who isnt an immidate family member. Whilst the OP doesnt see this gentleman as a family memeber - he is. The guy practically lives in the family home, taking the role of a parent. The OP has stated he would be uncomfortable EVEN IF THE LAD WAS 25 - so this isnt about the age. It's the fact that it is another man who is taking on the role of "dad" and the OP doesnt like it. Understandibly any parent would feel a bit put out by someone coming into the role of "Mum/Dad" - That is the part I can relate to however, I wouldnt/couldnt make acccusations WITHOUT proof. Thats they key thing here. The OP has NO PROOF whats so ever that the child is in ANY harms way. All that has happened is that the child has been given a bath.

I wonder if the OP would react the same if it was a 16 year old female babysitter . . . .

In all honesty - the OP doesnt NEED to know the lad - Providing the Mother/Person with responsibility trusts him then that is enough in the eyes of the law (Will find a quote for this)

If the OP doesnt trust the mother to make well formed judgements then the OP should get off his back side and go to court to get full custody WITH PROOF that the mother is unfit and the child is in harms way

Someone suggested that the OP refuses to return the child after contact - I would strongly recommend the the OP doesnt do this. Because the child is living with the mother, and has for a while, the courts will take a very dim view on the OP keeping that child and the mother could put in for an emergency residency order (Which, at the moment from OP's posts - she doesnt have) the OP is worried - fair enough. But they have no proof that anything is wrong about the situation. The child hasnt stated anything has happened, didnt seemed frightened when OP bathed her, hasnt mentioned "special games" etc. It is purely the OP over thinking things. From what I've read the OP and ex don't have any form of good communication - It may back fire on the OP if he goes in guns blazing to the ex, who can stop access as there is no court agreement in place and OP would need to go to court for this.

There is a court agreement in place and I have got off my !!!! and been to court to secure access to my daughter which was withheld for no reason for 2 months for last year.

Jinx

I was a single parent and I wouldnt have allowed a boyfriend to have bathed my 4 year old daughter. Especially when we hadnt been together that long. Even if I felt the person was trustworthy I was always very cautious about who got close to my daughter and boundaries were only moved a little at a time. And it does seem to hit the headlines when a step-dad hurts a step-daughter which I dont think it helps the reputation of the majority of decent, reasonable dads/step-dads.

Steel_2

ses6jwg wrote: »

There is a court agreement in place and I have got off my !!!! and been to court to secure access to my daughter which was withheld for no reason for 2 months for last year.

You still haven't addressed the element of numerous people's posts which is you are insinuating that there is a sexual element to the 16 year old bathing her and you have no proof of this.

Unfounded accusations or intimations of !!!!!philia can ruin someone's life, so you need to think VERY clearly before you continue down this path. You may not have come right out and said it on this thread, but your intimations comes across loud and clear as I'm sure they did to the person at the NSPCC you spoke to on the phone. This is a 16 year old boy and you could destroy his life. Regardless of what went on between you and your ex, you have no proof that that lad is abusing your daughter just because he's sleeping with your ex. As the poster who works in child protection pointed out earlier, for all you know he could be giving a better standard of consistent care to your daughter than your ex, but you (and others) seem to be quite determined not to seriously consider this.

As far as I can see from your posts, you would have a problem with any male other than you bathing your daughter, which as someone else said is male pride, not !!!!!philia. I suspect you would have a much less strong reaction if a female friend of your ex's bathed your daughter while she was out.

If you go in with guns blazing and thinly veiled accusations without any foundation you will lose what little access to your daughter you have. For the sake of staying in her life, try and meet this lad, be pleasant and find out what you are dealing with. Just don't be hostile. For all you know 'Dave' might feel out of his depth and appreciate another bloke to interact with.

Steel_2

Nara wrote: »

But I have a 5 year old daughter and the thought of a man I don't personally know giving my daughter a bath feels wrong.

Does the thought of a woman you don't personally know giving your daughter a bath feel wrong?

***


I think men are done such a massive disservice when it comes to childcare. Instead of being treated as intelligent capable human beings who can show compassion and care to a child, they are considered as potential ruddy !!!!!philes.

I suspect 'Dave' would have got it in the neck if the ex had come home and the child was unbathed.

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel

ses6jwg wrote: »

There is a court agreement in place and I have got off my !!!! and been to court to secure access to my daughter which was withheld for no reason for 2 months for last year.

You said the court order is forn ACCESS. The court DIDNT give you custody when you went in for her drug use so unless you had a really incompetant judge (wich i doubt it, because if you was THAT concerned you would be back in court after another judge)

You clearly have no PROOF this is anything other than standard care - your adding 1+1 and getting 4 - because if you had PROOF then you would have been to court by now and the child would have been removed from the mother