Concern about safety/ well being of my daughter - advice appreciated

dorisday

moomoomama27 wrote: »

I would have concerns about a 16 yr old lad being in sole charge of my daughter if I'm honest, but then I'm a really over protective parent!

I think as far as the bathing goes, that is something that's out of your control. Because that is part of being a step-parent, to parent! I used to give my husbands children a bath when they visited, they wer 3 and 5 at the time, and I was 21/22 yrs old. My husband used to bath my DD (his step-daughter) from the age of 3!

I don't think it's fair on your part to suggest that this is innaapropriate, I would be more concerned about the age than the bathing. I would doubt that unless your daughter talked in any way that would bring up a red flag to you that something untoward was going on! All you can do at this point is make sure you listen to what she says, without insinuation.

I will say that I agree with PP, step-parents aren't perverts!! I would be concerned about the fact they are caring for them properly, or treating them well (emotionally), but other than that, without any indicators, it is unfair and a bit wrong to think anything else is going to happen.

THIS 16 year old boy IS NOT HER STEP Parent!!!

clearingout

FattyBettyBoo wrote: »

I really think that no matter how much you hate your ex, you really need to restore this relationship in terms of communication, and not even for your daughter's sake, but for your own peace of mind.

I have a 5 year old and me and her farther are not together. We live with my boyfriend and he lives with his girlfriend. In a perfect world I would never had spoken to him again after we spilt (he did some pretty awful things) but I had to for my daughter. I keep good communication going with him and have had him and his girlfriend over a couple of times, as it would drie me insane if she was spending nights with people who I didn't know (the girlfriend) and who I had no idea how they were living their life. She really isn't my kind of person but through spending some time with her I know my child is perfectly safe and she can be trusted if ever he is not there.

When my OH moved in my ex came round to meet him properly. My ex is really antisocial and squirmed the whole time, but did it to put his own mind at ease. We dont all spend a huge amount of time together, just enough to catch up on any big news, and this is enough for us both to fel at ease when the other couple has her. We are also all friends on FB as you can get a pretty good idea about someone from that )and we can share photos.

I know from personal experience whta it feels like to hate an ex but I think that if you could find anyway to restore some links you may sleep better at night.

Unfortunately, some of us are lumbered with exs who are incapable of adult behaviour and prefer to resort to school yard tactics in dealing with every single, tiny issue that might occur. I would give anything for a decent relationship with my ex but it's not going to happen. I am glad that some people are able to manage it!

*Redhead*

dorisday wrote: »

THIS 16 year old boy IS NOT HER STEP Parent!!!

Actually, if he lives with the girls mother and they are in a relationship, then he is considered to be.

It used to be if the parent and non parent got married, then the non parent would become a step-parent, now it applies if they are cohabiting.

Plans_all_plans

I don't think that's the case Redhead. Have you got a link to somewhere official stating that? Just curious about it.

OP, I would be fuming if I were you too. They've been seeing each other since January, which is nowhere near a long time and if I were your ex, my child wouldn't even have MET my new bloke - particularly if he was 16 and prone to flights of fancy as most lads are.

I wouldn't be at all happy that she was left unsupervised with any new bloke (regardless of his age) and the bathing issue is just not on either. I wouldn't want my child being bathed by just anyone (which after 9 months of relationship is what it boils down to IMO)

Best of luck OP, hope you get it sorted soon.

pigpen

officially they are not a STEP parent unless the biological parent is dead.. whatever the age or whether they are married or not.. it has only been since the increase in divorce and remarriage that the new partner has been called the step-parent..

whitewing

My husband has step-parental responsibility for my son. My son's father is not dead.

Nara

Sorry I haven't read all the threads.

But I have a 5 year old daughter and the thought of a man I don't personally know giving my daughter a bath feels wrong.

It may be legal or ok in other people's eyes but the fact is you don't know this guy, I think thats what it comes down to, 16 or 40 it makes no difference how old he is, just that its like a stranger to you.

I don't know what to suggest other then having a word with your partner if thats possible, because there are no laws being broken, but I can totally relate to how you feel, who cares if its wrong or right, if your a good parent you love your child and would die for them, so if something feels wrong and it involves them its really hard to get over that feeling.

*Redhead*

From solicitors website regarding Family Law.

A step-parent is a term generally given to one spouse upon the commencement of cohabitation with the natural parent of the child in question.

Step-parents since 5th December 2005 can also acquire Parental Responsibility through a formal agreement or Court Order. Other Orders which result in Parental Responsibility to a step-parent or other individual (e.g. grand-parent) are a Residence Order which regulates where a child will live and gives the individual with the Residence Order Parental Responsibility until the child is 16. A Parental Responsibility Order however endures until the child’s 18th birthday.
Step-parents however still will not and do not acquire Parental Responsibility automatically. For a formal agreement each person with Parental Responsibility has to sign the Agreement. This is often the natural parents and any other individuals who have acquired Parental Responsibility since the birth of the child.

A step-parent on acquiring Parental Responsibility has the same duties and responsibilities as any other individual including a natural parent with Parental Responsibility.

But anyway, this is taking the thread a little off topic.

In any case, i wouldn't feel comfortable with a new partner bathing my child, but at the same time, i wouldn't jump to conclusions.

She may have got dirty and was in need of a bath there and then, while your partner was out. She may even have asked for one. You don't know if he just ran her the bath.

I think you should talk to your ex to get all the facts first.

moomoomama27

dorisday wrote: »

THIS 16 year old boy IS NOT HER STEP Parent!!!

There is absolutley NO NEED to be rude to me. All I have done is offer the OP constructive advice.

If he is in a relationship with the childs mother, and is living with her for any amount of time, then IMO he would be considered a step parent. But that isn't the important issue here.

Ravenlady_2

Im confused as to why the mother would tell the child she is at work when in reality she has just gone out?

I must also be the only one who just runs the water, puts child in bath and leaves door open until they are suitably cleanish, finished playing or the bathroom floor cant take any more splashes. I have a downstairs bathroom so probably a lot easier to keep and eye but not actually need to be in the room.

I also would like to know what made you automatically think that him bathing her is or may have a sexual element to it?

Put yourself in the other guys shoes, at 16 yes he might be young but if you were his age would you find bathing a kid sexually thrilling! Yes he was videoed snorting coke but that doesn't mean he's a budding !!!!!.

Im also wondering if you actually spoke to SS, they have to follow up any call regarding welfare of a child and with actual evidence of drug abuse happening in the household they wont just leave it, they wont take the child away but they will do a home visit and keep regular tabs on the girls welfare through school/nursery.