Being asked for money as a gift

jollyanna

Samileo, I think it's a question of knowing your prospective guests and pre-guessing how they might react or interpret the rhyme. This is easy if your friends/family are fairly local but quite different if it is to prospective distant rellies you've never met. When I sent a cash/cheque gift I sent it recorded delivery to be sure it got there, also, never having met the bride, I couldn't guage if it would ever be acknowledged. As it happens, it wasn't and I'm still waiting for a thank you letter so that is the last time I do that. Next time will be in person or not at all.
Good luck with the poem and enjoy your day when it comes.

74jax

jollyanna wrote: »

As it happens, it wasn't and I'm still waiting for a thank you letter so that is the last time I do that. Next time will be in person or not at all.

I'd have been tempted to call and ask if it had been received as you hadn't heard anything.

Miss_Bolan

I have to say I find this thread quite fascinating. As far as my (now seemingly limited) knowledge went it was always the case that there is a gift list at weddings. My parents had one at their wedding in the 70's and every wedding I have ever been to has had a wedding list of some description (whether it be a 'poem' requesting money, or an actual list linked to a shop). As far as I was ever aware it was as traditional as a cake or a white dress!

It had honestly never occurred to me that people could be offended by wedding gift lists on the grounds that it is 'presumptious' and a way of 'recouping' the cost of a wedding!

I am not having a go at anyone, I am just genuinely surprised that some people think this way -it's bizarre to me! I know most of my family will expect a list, and if there isn't one they will expect an alternative. I haven't decided if/what I am going to do for my 'gift' list yet, but this will certainly make me think about it in a different way!

(for what it's worth, I will give someone whatever they want for their wedding - if they want vouchers or cash or a gravy boat I will get them what makes them happy! If they care enough to invite me to their special day then I am more than happy to give to them to wish them well on their new life together)

Samileo_2

Well my brother just got married in June and used a similar poem. I didn't hear any bad things about it (mind you they're not likely to moan to his sister!!) but I do know they got a fairly substantial amount. Perhaps it's ok if they've set a precedent?? LOL

Samileo_2

Interestingly, just found this on the main website;

"It's important to understand the history of gift giving, or 'ceremonial gift exchange' as it is known by anthropologists. It is in fact a form of social banking. Older generations would give gifts or money to younger ones to help them start off in life before they'd had time to build their own finances.

Then once that couple was older they effectively gave back to the same community when they attended weddings of younger couples by giving them gifts. Thus the money moves in a circular way and is targetted at those who need it most.

Yet in recent years things have changed radically, many couples already live together when they get married and have much of what is needed in their homes - whether its toasters, kettles or silverware. In fact, perversely the biggest cost of getting married for many couples isn't setting up home, but the wedding day itself.

Therefore don't be afraid to ask for cash on your wedding day, it's part of what the original ceremony was all about; if you're shelling out, this is likely to be the most efficient way for you to receive the cash back."

Torry_Quine

Miss_Bolan wrote: »

I have to say I find this thread quite fascinating. As far as my (now seemingly limited) knowledge went it was always the case that there is a gift list at weddings. My parents had one at their wedding in the 70's and every wedding I have ever been to has had a wedding list of some description (whether it be a 'poem' requesting money, or an actual list linked to a shop). As far as I was ever aware it was as traditional as a cake or a white dress!

It had honestly never occurred to me that people could be offended by wedding gift lists on the grounds that it is 'presumptious' and a way of 'recouping' the cost of a wedding!

I am not having a go at anyone, I am just genuinely surprised that some people think this way -it's bizarre to me! I know most of my family will expect a list, and if there isn't one they will expect an alternative. I haven't decided if/what I am going to do for my 'gift' list yet, but this will certainly make me think about it in a different way!

As far as I'm concerned wedding lists are a recent trend. Certainly not in the same way as a cake or white dress.

The reason I think its presumptious is that no matter how well worded it is presuming that a gift will be purchased at often a specific shop or for high prices.

Torry_Quine

Samileo wrote: »

Interestingly, just found this on the main website;

"It's important to understand the history of gift giving, or 'ceremonial gift exchange' as it is known by anthropologists. It is in fact a form of social banking. Older generations would give gifts or money to younger ones to help them start off in life before they'd had time to build their own finances.

Then once that couple was older they effectively gave back to the same community when they attended weddings of younger couples by giving them gifts. Thus the money moves in a circular way and is targetted at those who need it most.

Yet in recent years things have changed radically, many couples already live together when they get married and have much of what is needed in their homes - whether its toasters, kettles or silverware. In fact, perversely the biggest cost of getting married for many couples isn't setting up home, but the wedding day itself.

Therefore don't be afraid to ask for cash on your wedding day, it's part of what the original ceremony was all about; if you're shelling out, this is likely to be the most efficient way for you to receive the cash back."

The original discussion on this suggested that it wasn't universally agreed.

Personally I think that the amount spent by some on weddings is ridiculous and the act that it's more than setting up home, words fail me.

Ravenlady_2

Samileo wrote: »

Interestingly, just found this on the main website;

"It's important to understand the history of gift giving, or 'ceremonial gift exchange' as it is known by anthropologists. It is in fact a form of social banking. Older generations would give gifts or money to younger ones to help them start off in life before they'd had time to build their own finances.

Then once that couple was older they effectively gave back to the same community when they attended weddings of younger couples by giving them gifts. Thus the money moves in a circular way and is targetted at those who need it most.

Yet in recent years things have changed radically, many couples already live together when they get married and have much of what is needed in their homes - whether its toasters, kettles or silverware. In fact, perversely the biggest cost of getting married for many couples isn't setting up home, but the wedding day itself.

Therefore don't be afraid to ask for cash on your wedding day, it's part of what the original ceremony was all about; if you're shelling out, this is likely to be the most efficient way for you to receive the cash back."

I personally would be too embarrassed to ask for cash, I do have some pride.

Miss_Bolan

Torry_Quine wrote: »

As far as I'm concerned wedding lists are a recent trend. Certainly not in the same way as a cake or white dress.

The reason I think its presumptious is that no matter how well worded it is presuming that a gift will be purchased at often a specific shop or for high prices.

To me this is an argument FOR cash/vouchers as an alternative then? Because then the couple aren't asking anyone for anything from anywhere or at any specific price - it is up to guests to decide what/if they can afford/want to get a gift?

I am not arguing from either side, just playing devils advocate!

bettyB_2

This might be controversial....however.....having read through this whole thread I have been quite disturbed to read the amount of posters saying that they wouldn't give money because the couple 'will just spend it on....such and such' 'will just be recouping money for the wedding' 'will just use it to pay for their mortgage...' etc.

Surely the point of giving cash is that once you have given it it is no longer your choice what it gets spent on!!

If you give someone a vase, you do not get to decide where they put it in their house, why on earth do people think they have a right to determine what a cash gift is spent on???!!

I find it really outrageous that most people on this board would rather give an unwanted gift, something the couple already has or don't have space for (and more importantly don't want!) than give the equivalent in cash to be spent on whatever they want/need. It seems realy cheap and kind of ungrateful and unloving. I mean, just from another perspective, a couple of people you know, friends or family, have invited you to join them in celebrating their wedding day, a day which has more than likely cost them dearly, they've paid for your drinks, your 3 course meal, your coffee and mints, the music you danced to, the venue you spent the day in, etc. They've invited you over other people who didn't make the cut and they *shock horror* have the nerve to hint (maybe even via a cutesy poem, *shudder*) that they might not want another crappy gravy boat or hideous vase that's to your taste, not theirs, but instead would really appreciate some money or vouchers so they can chose something that they need or want and that won't end up in the local charity shop in a few months. And people really can't bring themselves to give them this??!!!

I honestly dont know why people can't just give the equivalent in cash that they would spend on a gift.

Sorry maybe it's just me but refusing to give cash just seems petty and cheap.