Being asked for money as a gift

Samileo_2

Sorry this is off topic but I can't figure out how to subscribe to a thread, can anyone help??

Sami
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Torry_Quine

Click on thread tools at the top of the page which will give you a drop down menu.

Samileo_2

Thanks Torry

coolcait

Samileo wrote: »

...
Therefore don't be afraid to ask for cash on your wedding day, it's part of what the original ceremony was all about; if you're shelling out, this is likely to be the most efficient way for you to receive the cash back."

In the past, the couple wouldn't have paid for their own wedding.

So, there was no risk that guests would feel that any cash gifts were being used to pay back the cash that was being 'shelled out' on the wedding.

That's another change in traditions which hasn't been mentioned once, but which might be part of the reason why some people are uncomfortable with requests for cash.

It would be interesting to know if it's the same in countries/cultures where it has long been a tradition to give the bride and groom money. Do those cultures still have a tradition that the parents (usually the bride's parents) pay for everything to do with the wedding?

coolcait

codemonkey wrote: »

...I don't like gift lists (you will buy us this £50 gravy boat)

nicola00007 wrote: »

...
my friend had a gift list and the cheapest thing was £50 and it was something outrageous like a gravy boat ... i couldnt do a gift list of £50 gravy boats!!

Do you two have a mutual friend?

coolcait

Sammy85 wrote: »

...

What shocks me are the people who have said they would refuse to attend a wedding where the bride and groom requested money in lieu of traditional gifts.

When i receive an invitation i feel honoured to have been invited to share in such a special occasion, and to me the fact that a gift list has been included is for my convenience should i choose to give a gift, and not because they expect a gift. The mention of money being preferred to me simply means there are no awkward conversations and i know exactly what they would prefer, should i CHOOSE to give a gift. I would never take it as them being greedy or requiring a gift in exchange for me attending (although i would never attend without giving a gift but that is my choice).

I said the part in bold .

It was in the context of a reply to a post which asked us to consider, basically, how much the bride and groom would have spent on having us at their wedding. And that it seemed cheap and kind of ungrateful and unloving not to give them cash back.

And that damned gravy boat made an appearance again....:rotfl:

(I have never been to a wedding which had a gravy boat on the gift list - much less one that cost 50 quid... Do I live in the wrong part of the country? Or is the wedding list gravy boat (of whatever value) just an urban myth? )

It was also in the context of having followed advice earlier in the thread, and googled wishing well poems.

I found most of them toe-curlingly awful, frankly. And the idea of an actual physical wishing well just seems to me like a posh version of putting a hat (or a crumpled MacDonald's cup) in front of the top table.

I considered what I would do if I received this little gem in a wedding invitation:

Because at first we lived in sin
We've got the sheets and a rubbish bin
A gift from you would be swell
But we'd prefer a donation to our Wishing Well!!

And posted my conclusion.

coolcait

74jax wrote: »

But what if there isn't any subtext, what if you genuinely do not want money, a gift or anything. Yes as mentioned you would always need washing powder etc but my guests could have kept the £5 washing powder and been £5 richer.
I feel people offend by saying 'we don't have a gift list as we genuinely don't require anything thank you very much'.
Yes if someone gives a gift I would obviously be extremely grateful, but if we already have 2 (2homes merged into one) a third will not be used - I know that sounds bad.
I'd just like a way that guests understand there is no subtext 'please give me cash', because I'd rather they kept it for themselves.

I thought that the message you had originally posted on your website covered that beautifully. It was a clear statement that you do not want a gift, or money. You genuinely do just want your guests' presence. I'm sorry that you felt you had to change it.

The subtext, IMO, comes up when people send a message which simultaneously says that they don't want a gift, but that they will accept money.

Having read too many 'wishing well' poems on too many sites, I actually think that they are part of the problem. I'm not even going to call them 'cutesy' even more - they're vile, grasping doggerel.

Unfortunately, that can make the sender appear equally grasping. Even if they genuinely don't want any presents, but are trying to find a way to respect the wishes of friends and family who really want to give some kind of gift. And even if they genuinely do just want their guests' presence, not their presents.

In those cases, maybe they should just write a simple, clear and heartfelt message like the one you had.

If people do want money, then why not write an equally simple, clear and heartfelt message about that?

hermum

I'd much rather be told that cash or a gift token would be preferred to an actual present. I think the last few weddings & engagements I've been to have all been tokens or cash towards the honeymoon.
My step sister, kept the entire family in toasters & kettles for years on the ones she had as engagement presents.

codemonkey

coolcait wrote: »

I said the part in bold .

It was in the context of a reply to a post which asked us to consider, basically, how much the bride and groom would have spent on having us at their wedding. And that it seemed cheap and kind of ungrateful and unloving not to give them cash back.

And that damned gravy boat made an appearance again....:rotfl:

(I have never been to a wedding which had a gravy boat on the gift list - much less one that cost 50 quid... Do I live in the wrong part of the country? Or is the wedding list gravy boat (of whatever value) just an urban myth? )

It was also in the context of having followed advice earlier in the thread, and googled wishing well poems.

I found most of them toe-curlingly awful, frankly. And the idea of an actual physical wishing well just seems to me like a posh version of putting a hat (or a crumpled MacDonald's cup) in front of the top table.

I considered what I would do if I received this little gem in a wedding invitation:

Because at first we lived in sin
We've got the sheets and a rubbish bin
A gift from you would be swell
But we'd prefer a donation to our Wishing Well!!

And posted my conclusion.

I did actually get invited to wedding with a list where the cheapest thing on it was a gravy boat costing £50. I maybe wouldn't have minded if I knew the bride or groom cooked but neither of them did. They got gift vouchers for the shop they had their list with because I couldn't afford the £50 at that time.

I did actually try to say that we didn't want presents but nobody believed us and they kept asking my mum. I'd have been happy with b&q vouchers too but nobody will buy those for us.

Conversation normally go like this:
Friend: what do you want as a present?
Me: nothing, we don't need anything. Just show up and dance.
Friend: no, I want to give you something. What do you want?
Me: honestly, nothing.
Friend: i'm getting you something.
Me. Ok, we really need to sort the house so some b&q vouchers would be amazing. Bit really, we just want you to come.
Friend: no codemonkey, something pretty....

So to avoid the 7000th repetition of this and to give my mum peace, we put a poem in with the day invitations, requesting gift vouchers or money if people want to give us presents and don't know what to get us. We've had some proper giftwrapped presents too and we're grateful for anything that people give us. Kind of object to the implication that I'm somehow grasping, greedy or trying to recoup the cost of the wedding in any way, just because I'm trying to save my guests hassle and not waste their money on gravy boats, toasters and towels and take some of the pressure off my mum who has enough to do without answering questions about presents.

By the way, the poster who suggested the practical laundry basket of cleaning stuff present - i would like that!

Sammy85_2

codemonkey wrote: »

Conversation normally go like this:
Friend: what do you want as a present?
Me: nothing, we don't need anything. Just show up and dance.
Friend: no, I want to give you something. What do you want?
Me: honestly, nothing.
Friend: i'm getting you something.
Me. Ok, we really need to sort the house so some b&q vouchers would be amazing. Bit really, we just want you to come.
Friend: no codemonkey, something pretty....

So to avoid the 7000th repetition of this and to give my mum peace, we put a poem in with the day invitations, requesting gift vouchers or money if people want to give us presents and don't know what to get us. We've had some proper giftwrapped presents too and we're grateful for anything that people give us. Kind of object to the implication that I'm somehow grasping, greedy or trying to recoup the cost of the wedding in any way, just because I'm trying to save my guests hassle and not waste their money on gravy boats, toasters and towels and take some of the pressure off my mum who has enough to do without answering questions about presents.

Exactly how it was for us.

Maybe the bride and groom truely dont want anything but would like to avoid having the same conversation again and again with those who will insist on giving them something.

But no, we have to go look for the most cynical explanation for it.