Being asked for money as a gift

Hockeynut

I feel a bit like I'm the only one who doesn't like that?

I point blank refuse. I feel as though my gift will just disappear into their bank account to pay off whatever they want and not be 'realised' as a gift.

I don't know if I'm being old fashioned (even though I'm not old!) or traditional, but for me a gift isn't something you ask for either. A gift is something that they wouldn't perhaps usually buy themselves, but something that the giver decides. I want to feel that my gift is something tangible. I'm not talking about wasting money by buying them something totally useless or irrelevant. I don't even mind wedding lists too much, as at least then I can attach the money I will pay to an actual item.

I feel similarly about birthday and christmas presents.

We've been invited to a few weddings recently. Infact my fianc!e is a bit worried, as my future BIL is getting married soon and he's asked for money as a gift.

My fianc!e doesn't want to cause a problem in her family by not giving her brother money as a gift. Our current compromise is to provide money in the currency of the honeymoon destination, making sure to ask that they treat themselves to something out of the ordinary with it.

Am I alone?

McKneff

I agree with you all the way. Its a gift every time except for my older grandchildren, its an HMV token or something similar that can be 'realised'

When my son was married for the second time I gave them foreign currency to spend on their honeymoon

Alikay

I don't like being asked for cash either. If I know the couple are just starting to make a home together and need cash for DIY projects/large furniture purchases etc then I always give money anyway. However asking for it, particularly if the couple have been set up in a home together for years seems grasping. I would give the money as requested rather than an unwelcome gift, but I'd feel irritated and it would affect my feelings toward them and their day.

Worst of all is those horrid little poems trying to dress up the request nicely: If the couple don't want or need anything they should just skip out any mention of presents and if anyone asks them they should just say they don't need anything. I'd guarantee that they'd get given cash by most people without guests feeling they been asked for it.

MrsDrink

Hockeynut wrote: »

Am I alone?

Nope. But opinions are most definitely divided.

candygirl

Alikay wrote: »

I don't like being asked for cash either. If I know the couple are just starting to make a home together and need cash for DIY projects/large furniture purchases etc then I always give money anyway. However asking for it, particularly if the couple have been set up in a home together for years seems grasping. I would give the money as requested rather than an unwelcome gift, but I'd feel irritated and it would affect my feelings toward them and their day.

Worst of all is those horrid little poems trying to dress up the request nicely: If the couple don't want or need anything they should just skip out any mention of presents and if anyone asks them they should just say they don't need anything. I'd guarantee that they'd get given cash by most people without guests feeling they been asked for it.

That's exactly what I hate.Got one recently ona n invite from OH's Sis, saying "They don't want presents just require our presence"[STRIKE]cringe[/STRIKE] then went on to ask for cash to do the house up:rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:When I got wed I didn't ask for anything unless the guests asked what i wanted.The 2nd time we got holiday vouchers, but not off everyone:D:D

Lizzieb151

Weddings are hard as most people live together first as don't really need anything. I rarely give cash as I like to choose something for them.

I haven't asked for gifts for my wedding but so many people have phoned and asked that we wish we had put something down. I don't like asking for cash as some people I know will struggle with finding extra money. We ended up telling people that if they really insisted the gift vouchers would be helpful towards our garden project otherwise not too worry about it as being there is enough.

My family have all pitched for something towards the wedding so could you not ask them if there is something that they could do with or failing that currency for their honeymoon I'm sure would be lovely.

Sammy85_2

I can see why some people have a problem with cash as gifts, but i personally dont.

If i would have bought a gift for the couple anyway, then i would rather it be something they can use, like cash and anything else they have specifically requested than something they wouldnt particularly want. In my opinion them spending the cash on something and nothing is no worse than buying them a new vase or pot or somethng that is going to get put in the back of a cupboard and never see the light of day again.

We left it to our guests at to what they got us, if they wished to get us a gift. We received gifts from everyone and many gave cash or gift cards. Some older guests bought us traditional items such as new cutlery and tableware, things we dont really need but will keep and use "for best". The money and giftcards we have been given have been put into an account/safe place and we will use it to buy something in the future when we have decided on what that something will be.

Dekazer

Divided to say the least. I'm not that old but I do feel terribly old fashioned when it comes to wedding gifts. I grudgingly acknowledge the usefulness of gift lists, although I do prefer when they're available on request, rather than details being included with the invitation. I find telling people what you want for a gift before the person has indicated that they wish to buy you a gift is presumptuous. It costs so much to attend a wedding these days that it can outweigh the cost to the couple of inviting you, before you factor in the gift!

We will be practising what we believe too - no gifts please. If family insist we will have a chat with them and come to some compromise that we all find acceptable.

Oh, and I do enjoy giving gifts - I love birthdays and Christmas and Christenings/namings etc etc etc. I enjoy giving wedding gifts too. It's the presumption I don't like, and asking for money just seems all the more greedy. I suppose it does correlate roughly to the couple's wealth too - when richer people than I have expensive gift lists or ask for cash, it does stick in my craw a little bit.

clearing_out_my_pockets

We had an odd arrangement for our wedding. We didn't request gifts. We didn't expect gifts. BUT DH's family wouldn't accept that as an answer. Every time we said "we don't want giftf - there's nothing we need" they'd respond with "oh well when you've decided make sure you send us a link to your gift list". So eventually we set up a TINY gift and only sent the link to his family. Everyone else either gave money or gift vouchers / cards. With the following exceptions:

- My best friend wanted to do a more personal gift, so she gave us an IOU for a canvas of our favourite wedding photo
- DH's parents got us a digital SLR
- One aunt got us a bride and groom figurine (!)
- Another aunt got us a spice rack; we already have one.
- Best man's parents got us salt & pepper mills; we already have some.
- One of DH's work colleagues got us a pair of mugs - one says Mr, the other Mrs. They get used every day!

The money that we got, we mentioned in our thankyou cards what it had been used for. One cousin gave us euro for our honeymoon, so in her card it said something along the lines of "Thank you for your generous gift which helped us scale Mount Etna!".

ampafc

My Partner and I bought a house a couple of years ago, which we now live in. We have enough plates, towels and toasters to do us a lifetime, so I would be delighted to receive cash! If that's what people are asking for - i.e. that's what they want, what will make them happy - then why not give them it? Give them exactly the same amount as you would spend on the gift.

And I think that's where the problem lies in a lot of cases. This is the MSE site, so I don't think I'm being rude in saying that a lot of poeple might choose to give smaller, inexpensive gifts - maybe amounting to a tenner or so - as that's all they want to/can spend. Handing over just the tenner might make you seem a bit cheap, and therefore the giver might be worried about their own image? People can be cheap - they just don't want otehrs to know about it.

In saying that, we're not going to ask for cash - but if people give us some, we will be delighted!!

codemonkey

Don't jump all over me but we asked for money/gift vouchers And we did so with a "cringey" poem too. The reason behind it is this. H2b and I bought a house nearly 2 years ago and when we moved in, we bought everything we needed. Our house is tiny and we have no storage. We struggle to find places for the stuff we have. I don't like gift lists (you will buy us this £50 gravy boat) and in any case, it would still be more stuff in the cupboards. Before the invitations had even gone out people were asking what to buy us and we just didn't have an answer once "no, we don't want anything" had been refused for the millionth time.

Our honeymoon is paid for too so asking for donations for that is out. What we do need is a new bathroom and kitchen and to decorate the rest of the house, so we made the decision, rude as it may seem to some, to ask for gift vouchers or money, rather than have our guests waste money on something that we'll look at, admire, trip over for a couple of weks and then relegate to the attic/charity shop. We have no problem if our guests want to get us an actual present or make us something personal or do nothing at all, but for those who demanded to know, we enclosed a poem because it seemed nicer than saying 'give us money'.

I'm actually fed up trying not to offend any of my guests now. No matter what I do I can't win, so I give up. If people don't like it, then tough. :rotfl: