Being asked for money as a gift

mumps

I have been to lots of weddings and there has always been a wedding list but no one has ever sent me the list or a poem. When I have accepted the invitation I have always asked if there is a list and then given it or told where it is or whatever (I remember in the 70's people would have a small note book with an item on each page, the book would be passed to anyone who asked for it and you tore out the page with the item you wanted to buy). If people ask for a present list and get one with details of presents or being asked for money/vouchers then I don't see the problem but I think it is nice to wait for people to ask you for the list.

coolcait

It's not an issue I've really thought about particularly deeply before, so this has made interesting reading. Especially for a traditionalist!

I tend to go along with the idea that wedding presents were traditionally/originally meant as a way for family and friends to help the couple set up their new home together, and kit it out.

Nowadays, as has been pointed out, very few couples are starting from scratch in that way. Many already have a home together, and that home is often already kitted out.

So, taking that as a starting point, I surprised myself by finding that I wouldn't be too perturbed if the bride and groom indicated that, although they didn't need any of the traditional wedding gifts, they could use some money/vouchers to help them buy large items of furniture (bed, sofa, etc), or to have a new kitchen or bathroom fitted, for example. I can even get my head around the idea that it goes towards the mortgage.

Because all of that, to my traditionalist mind, fits in with the idea that a wedding gift should be practical, in terms of giving the couple something that they need for their home together. In fact, money which goes towards payment on the mortgage is probably the most practical gift anyone can give to newlyweds. So, much as I cringe at the cutesy poems, I'd probably be quite happy to give money to a couple who told me in verse that, if I wanted to contribute to their home, could I make a financial contribution to helping them buy that home.

I'm quite surprised to find that I feel that way!

I'm less surprised to find myself bridling at the thought of giving money so that the newlyweds can go on honeymoon, or go on extra excursions while on honeymoon, or any of those things. That does feel (to me) like the guests being asked to subsidise the bride and groom's dream wedding and dream honeymoon. That, to me, is very different from the traditional reasons for wedding gifts. Put bluntly, somewhere to live is a need. A honeymoon is a want.

All you need to get married is you, the person you are marrying, someone to conduct the marriage ceremony and the requisite number of witnesses. There is no dress code - you will still be married even if you are both wearing your oldest, shabbiest clothes. You will still be married even if you don't have a honeymoon. You will still need somewhere to live.

What would I do? If I were part of a couple who didn't need traditional wedding gifts, but wanted to have family and friends share our special day, I would make all of that clear. Bluntly. They know us after all. :rotfl: .

"We're lucky enough to have found each other, we're lucky enough to be getting married to each other, we're lucky enough to be able to have a wedding which allows us to share it with the friends we're lucky enough to be related to, or have been lucky enough to meet and cherish along the way in our lives. We're lucky enough to have a home, and lucky enough to have all the household gadgets that we'll ever need.

We're lucky enough to have had the gift of the time you've spent with us over the years, and greedy enough to want more of your time on our special day.

All we want you to bring for that special day is you. You in your glad rags, wearing your dancing shoes and with your 'ready to party' head on.

If you feel that you have to bring something else with you, please consider bringing the knowledge that you have helped someone else who is less lucky than we are [link to charity giving sites] (but no need to tell us, or coolcait will cry - and you know what she's like if her mascara runs!!)"

Just as well I'm not getting married again, eh? :rotfl::rotfl:

As a guest, if I got a cutesy poem telling me that the happy couple having got all of the practical things they'll ever need, but will accept donations to the honeymoon fund, I'll happily present them with a laundry basket containing a box of washing powder, cleaning cloths and sponges, batteries, light bulbs, plugs, fuses, rubber gloves, and other sundry practical 'bits' that every household needs to replace on a regular basis.

I'll have kept to the principle that wedding gifts are about 'helping with the couple's home'. They'll probably find it comes in handy when they comes back skint from their subsidised honeymoon...

Torry_Quine

Miss_Bolan wrote: »

To me this is an argument FOR cash/vouchers as an alternative then? Because then the couple aren't asking anyone for anything from anywhere or at any specific price - it is up to guests to decide what/if they can afford/want to get a gift?

I am not arguing from either side, just playing devils advocate!

No it's an argument for accepting what the guest wants to give you. That may be money or vouchers or indeed a gift.

Torry_Quine

bettyB wrote: »

...' etc.

Surely the point of giving cash is that once you have given it it is no longer your choice what it gets spent on!!

If you give someone a vase, you do not get to decide where they put it in their house, why on earth do people think they have a right to determine what a cash gift is spent on???!!

I honestly don't know why people can't just give the equivalent in cash that they would spend on a gift.

Sorry maybe it's just me but refusing to give cash just seems petty and cheap.

There are two problems that I can see. You may feel uncomfortable with the amount you can afford. If buying a gift you may get something in a sale or on special offer.

mumps wrote: »

I have been to lots of weddings and there has always been a wedding list but no one has ever sent me the list or a poem. When I have accepted the invitation I have always asked if there is a list and then given it or told where it is or whatever (I remember in the 70's people would have a small note book with an item on each page, the book would be passed to anyone who asked for it and you tore out the page with the item you wanted to buy). If people ask for a present list and get one with details of presents or being asked for money/vouchers then I don't see the problem but I think it is nice to wait for people to ask you for the list.

Never heard of that but it's a much better idea as you say people will only get the list if they ask for it so no presumption there.

coolcait wrote: »

It's not an issue I've really thought about particularly deeply before, so this has made interesting reading. Especially for a traditionalist!

I tend to go along with the idea that wedding presents were traditionally/originally meant as a way for family and friends to help the couple set up their new home together, and kit it out.

Nowadays, as has been pointed out, very few couples are starting from scratch in that way. Many already have a home together, and that home is often already kitted out.

So, taking that as a starting point, I surprised myself by finding that I wouldn't be too perturbed if the bride and groom indicated that, although they didn't need any of the traditional wedding gifts, they could use some money/vouchers to help them buy large items of furniture (bed, sofa, etc), or to have a new kitchen or bathroom fitted, for example. I can even get my head around the idea that it goes towards the mortgage.

Because all of that, to my traditionalist mind, fits in with the idea that a wedding gift should be practical, in terms of giving the couple something that they need for their home together. In fact, money which goes towards payment on the mortgage is probably the most practical gift anyone can give to newlyweds. So, much as I cringe at the cutesy poems, I'd probably be quite happy to give money to a couple who told me in verse that, if I wanted to contribute to their home, could I make a financial contribution to helping them buy that home.

I'm quite surprised to find that I feel that way!

I'm less surprised to find myself bridling at the thought of giving money so that the newlyweds can go on honeymoon, or go on extra excursions while on honeymoon, or any of those things. That does feel (to me) like the guests being asked to subsidise the bride and groom's dream wedding and dream honeymoon. That, to me, is very different from the traditional reasons for wedding gifts. Put bluntly, somewhere to live is a need. A honeymoon is a want.

All you need to get married is you, the person you are marrying, someone to conduct the marriage ceremony and the requisite number of witnesses. There is no dress code - you will still be married even if you are both wearing your oldest, shabbiest clothes. You will still be married even if you don't have a honeymoon. You will still need somewhere to live.

What would I do? If I were part of a couple who didn't need traditional wedding gifts, but wanted to have family and friends share our special day, I would make all of that clear. Bluntly. They know us after all. :rotfl: .

"We're lucky enough to have found each other, we're lucky enough to be getting married to each other, we're lucky enough to be able to have a wedding which allows us to share it with the friends we're lucky enough to be related to, or have been lucky enough to meet and cherish along the way in our lives. We're lucky enough to have a home, and lucky enough to have all the household gadgets that we'll ever need.

We're lucky enough to have had the gift of the time you've spent with us over the years, and greedy enough to want more of your time on our special day.

All we want you to bring for that special day is you. You in your glad rags, wearing your dancing shoes and with your 'ready to party' head on.

If you feel that you have to bring something else with you, please consider bringing the knowledge that you have helped someone else who is less lucky than we are [link to charity giving sites] (but no need to tell us, or coolcait will cry - and you know what she's like if her mascara runs!!)"

Just as well I'm not getting married again, eh? :rotfl::rotfl:

As a guest, if I got a cutesy poem telling me that the happy couple having got all of the practical things they'll ever need, but will accept donations to the honeymoon fund, I'll happily present them with a laundry basket containing a box of washing powder, cleaning cloths and sponges, batteries, light bulbs, plugs, fuses, rubber gloves, and other sundry practical 'bits' that every household needs to replace on a regular basis.

I'll have kept to the principle that wedding gifts are about 'helping with the couple's home'. They'll probably find it comes in handy when they comes back skint from their subsidised honeymoon...

Some very good points

coolcait

bettyB wrote: »

... It seems realy cheap and kind of ungrateful and unloving. I mean, just from another perspective, a couple of people you know, friends or family, have invited you to join them in celebrating their wedding day, a day which has more than likely cost them dearly, they've paid for your drinks, your 3 course meal, your coffee and mints, the music you danced to, the venue you spent the day in, etc. They've invited you over other people who didn't make the cut and they *shock horror* have the nerve to hint (maybe even via a cutesy poem, *shudder*) that they might not want another crappy gravy boat or hideous vase that's to your taste, not theirs, but instead would really appreciate some money or vouchers so they can chose something that they need or want and that won't end up in the local charity shop in a few months. And people really can't bring themselves to give them this??!!!

....

This may be where the problem lies.

The cutesy poem says "oh, we're not expecting you to give us a present. All we want is your presence".

The subtext says " we have invited you to join us in .... a day which has cost us dearly, we've paid for your drinks, your 3 course meal, your coffee and mints, the music you danced to, the venue you spent the day in, etc. We've invited you over other people who didn't make the cut and so we *shock horror* have the nerve to hint (maybe even via a cutesy poem, *shudder*) that wedon't want another crappy gravy boat or hideous vase that's to your taste, not ours, but instead would really appreciate some money or vouchers so we can choose something that we need or want and that won't end up in the local charity shop in a few months."

I think it's that kind of subtext that people are reacting to. The message that it's not really your presence that is important. It's your present.

Personally, I would decline any wedding invitation which contained that kind of subtext. And I wouldn't even send the [STRIKE]mercenary[/STRIKE] happy couple my practical laundry basket gift.

Nevertheless, I'd still send them my good wishes on their marriage, without hesitation.

Hockeynut

Samileo wrote: »

Interestingly, just found this on the main website;
/*snipped quote*/
Therefore don't be afraid to ask for cash on your wedding day, it's part of what the original ceremony was all about; if you're shelling out, this is likely to be the most efficient way for you to receive the cash back."

And that's the bit that gets me as a guest. That is subsidising the wedding.

bettyB wrote: »

I honestly dont know why people can't just give the equivalent in cash that they would spend on a gift.

Sorry maybe it's just me but refusing to give cash just seems petty and cheap.

I think the thing I've realised since starting this thread is that my feelings towards giving cash aren't actually that bad. It's the being asked or presumed for money, directly or indirectly, that really grates me!

However, I didn't expect quite this level of response. lol :A

MrsDrink

Hockeynut wrote: »

However, I didn't expect quite this level of response. lol :A

I did warn you :rotfl:

DaisyFlower

coolcait wrote: »

As a guest, if I got a cutesy poem telling me that the happy couple having got all of the practical things they'll ever need, but will accept donations to the honeymoon fund, I'll happily present them with a laundry basket containing a box of washing powder, cleaning cloths and sponges, batteries, light bulbs, plugs, fuses, rubber gloves, and other sundry practical 'bits' that every household needs to replace on a regular basis.

I'll have kept to the principle that wedding gifts are about 'helping with the couple's home'. They'll probably find it comes in handy when they comes back skint from their subsidised honeymoon...

Haha love the idea of the washing powder etc, will remember that one for future. If I get an invite asking for a particular present I usually totally ignore it and buy a bottle of wine. I spend more when I dont get told what to buy/there is no expectation of a gift. I dont mind a discreet wedding list thats available if asked for (as long as it has reasonable items on it) but hate being invited somewhere and being told "we'd love you to come and bring x as a present".

Weddings are very out of hand nowadays, most are not really about the vows and commitment being made but a show off day where thousands of pounds are spent which the bride and groom try then to recap from the guests. It can cost guests enough to attend without then having to pay their share of the wedding.

nicola00007

''As a guest, if I got a cutesy poem telling me that the happy couple having got all of the practical things they'll ever need, but will accept donations to the honeymoon fund, I'll happily present them with a laundry basket containing a box of washing powder, cleaning cloths and sponges, batteries, light bulbs, plugs, fuses, rubber gloves, and other sundry practical 'bits' that every household needs to replace on a regular basis. ''

even though i am doing the poem - i would love this as a gift, very pratical - instead of another photo frame or toaster!

my friend had a gift list and the cheapest thing was £50 and it was something outrageous like a gravy boat i mean why would you spend that! i ended up getting her money for honeymoon which was less than the cheapest thing on the list. i just think the gift of money is not a bad idea as you can put in what you like - i wouldnt ever open and acard and be ungrateful for what was inside - even if it was nothing -i wouldnt be ungrateful of any gifts that i received it is up to the person what they bring - people asked what we would like and money is our preference as i couldnt do a gift list of £50 gravy boats!!

hock79

I've read threads debating this issue before, but this thread is really interesting, there's so many different views! As I've said before, I don't feel comfortable with mentionning a gift list on my wedding invitations, but I don't mind receiving a list with others invites.

Personally, whether it's birthdays, Christmas or a wedding present, I would always be grateful for whatever I receive. Although we have everything we need in our house, that's not to say it's the best of everything. Whenever I've received something for the house that I already have, I will always make use of it because I appreciate the thought, and I wouldn't want to think of someone wasting their money. I'm shocked at the amount of people who would be so ungrateful as to ebay or send it to a charity shop straight away!