Christmas Escape from Mother in Law & Stepson

lostinrates

dumpy wrote: »

Many people do the one day Christmas but don't so anything else, does that make them "right" because they've done the one day?.

The point of the one day at Christmas, is that its a time when EVERYTHING is focused on family and friends and nearest and dearest and if you were alone NOT by choice it could be absolutely profoundly depressing. (though I think suicides increasing at Christmas is a myth )

The m-i-l has other family. With more of the background explained I don't feel OP has any reason to ''suffer'' her presence at any time TBH.

I remain of the opinion, however, her husband has a duty to his son that ...for whatever the past reasons were its been difficult/not done and personally I think he shouldn't wash his hands of this. However, I can understand that to OP its very, very difficult. I also think the husband needs his mother on side to not undermine him, and it seems unlikely that will happen.

Mupette

OP, Why did you marry your husband.

You can't stand his family.

If you were a bloke, we'd be looking at this a different way, cutting them off from their family will be next..

pinkmami

Mupette wrote: »

OP, Why did you marry your husband.

You can't stand his family.

If you were a bloke, we'd be looking at this a different way, cutting them off from their family will be next..

Do you like everyone in your OH's family???

You marry the person not the family.

Mupette

pinkmami wrote: »

Do you like everyone in your OH's family???

You marry the person not the family.

Well his mum and dad are dead, never met his dad, his mum was fantasic, he has a brother, we don't see often, but i wouldn't refuse be go somewhere because he is there,

dumpy

lostinrates wrote: »

The point of the one day at Christmas, is that its a time when EVERYTHING is focused on family and friends and nearest and dearest and if you were alone NOT by choice it could be absolutely profoundly depressing. (though I think suicides increasing at Christmas is a myth )

But why have we fallen into this "it must be family" and "we must sit in each other houses and eat excess of food" and "we must travel on days to collect and drop off relatives, when the weather is likely to be terrible".

I'd much prefer to hibernate at Christmas and then meet them in summer when we can at least get out in the garden for release.

Why should one person be able to act awfully and yet still get an invitation for Christmas and put a whole shadow over the proceedings?


I love the organ recital post, I'll have to remember that one.

lostinrates

pinkmami wrote: »

You marry the person not the family.

If the person is a parent I think that has to be considered.

VfM4meplse

Any wrote: »

I just don't get it, why would one get a kick and just keep going for more??
It will not come back in return, you know...

It's a bit like this thread. Instead of getting to the heart of the matter impartially - ie where to go on holiday - JJJ has made viperous post after viperous post to anyone in her sight when she's really unhappy with her own situation. This kind of unnecessary projection is hardly an endearing quality, it's not surprising that normally helpful forum members feel offended by the OP's attitude.

lostinrates

dumpy wrote: »

But why have we fallen into this "it must be family" and "we must sit in each other houses and eat excess of food" and "we must travel on days to collect and drop off relatives, when the weather is likely to be terrible".

I'd much prefer to hibernate at Christmas and then meet them in summer when we can at least get out in the garden for release.

Why should one person be able to act awfully and yet still get an invitation for Christmas and put a whole shadow over the proceedings?


I love the organ recital post, I'll have to remember that one.

well, I think that family is highlighted at christmas. fwiw my childhood was filled with people who I had never met as a kid...my parents invited all the ''odds and sods'' who were alone and it was sometimes a bit odd and sometimes better. DH and I have done that too on occasion, and IMO, it makes it easier as it dilutes family tensions.

as for one person behaving awfully, well, you see I'd apporach that differently too. I'm quite of the opinion...and experience, that its better sometimes NOT to be involved with someone who behaves badly ...but I'm consistant in that and don't close doors one day a year...but all the time when they are behaving poorly or in a damaging way. Its not nicer, but it keeps me sane. with some I find the strong boundaries does lead to a better relationship...not perfect, but with better boundaries.


Also, we do get out at christmas...so maybe that helps for us? We have animals to do outside, and expect people to entertain themselves while that is done. On occasion I have wrapped people up in our spare caots and boots people and much to their shock, sent them out with a dog to walk to expend some of their energy in a productive manner. the less steady on their feet in the ice with a dog might well be given veg to chop, or glasses to polish....even though I hate people chipping in, I do like to not have tension, often people need something to do. We also have one of those christmas decorations with candles that's meant to spin but doesn't work. Getting people to see if they can fix that is a useful technique. If anyone does I'll have to break it again!

I also think there are situations where this is easier than others. I have a hotter temper than dh who never lets any tension bother him, when he notices I look a little frought he gives me a kiss, and ''helps me with something in the kitchen'' where we have a giggle alone for a minute.:o

bargainbetty

For what it is worth, my family do all get together, but now we do it at a restaurant, and only spend a few hours together. Since 'The Christmas We Don't Talk About', we reduce potential flashpoints by removing the inevitable food arguments (no one has to eat anything they don't like, no one has to cook, no one has to wash up), designated drivers are alternated each year so everyone gets their chance to have a drink, the kids don't get overwhelmed because present-giving is done in little stages, and those who don't appreciate each other's personality types can sit at opposite ends of the table.

I feel for JJJ, having had an awful FIL who made me feel utterly unwelcome for years, but would constantly moan if I didn't 'make enough effort' to see them. Eventually, I told the ExH that he needed to go alone, because I was tired of being treated like something scraped off your shoe. ExH was given a chance to talk to the FIL and explain how hurtful he was. FIL said it was his house and he'd behave as he chose, and I could stay away if it bothered me so much. MIL and I talked by phone and wrote, but I never went back in. Life is too short, and I refused to accept that geography/property ownership defines how you should treat people.

For everyone who says that if JJJ loved her husband she'd put up with it for a day? Perhaps if JJJ's OH loved her, he'd tell his mother to pack in the criticism, !!!!!ing and militant veganism for a day, and turn down the volume, and then tell his son to show some respect and learn to speak like a grown-up, not some wannabe hardman because it upsets his wife?

Gangsta speak? Yeah blood, you know how it is, like being da man, and living off yous grandma, innit?

Enjoy your holiday OP. If you do find a beach and green jelly, have an extra runabout for me.

dumpy

Newsflash

Green Jelly shortage in shops at Christmas