Christmas Escape from Mother in Law & Stepson

Jerryjerryjerry

the_cat wrote: »

What about being civil for the sake of your (much loved?) husband. It doesn't say much for the value you put on his happiness if you are not prepared to spend a small amount of time every so often with them for his sake

Wasn't in the marriage vows or contract love. I don't have to spend time with any single member of his family and there is nothing anybody can do about that.

My husband has often said his mother is a battleaxe but she means well. He finds her irritating as well, I can see that when he tells her to shut up. But I resent it, when she's going off on one and he leaves the room, leaving me there to continue to listen to her. I'm too polite to leave the room when she is speaking sorry, shouting. I am sucked of energy when I leave there. She is an energy vampire.

So deep down, I'm sure my husband understands why I dont wish to spend time with her. But of course, he has to realise there has to be a compromise.

I doubt it would ever come to it, but if he did want to divorce me - it would be quite silly for him to say, .... on the grounds she didn't like my mother.

Its very possible to live a life with your husband doing one thing and you doing another. Some people have marriages where their husband goes off fishing every month for a day and I can live with that. He can go and see her every sunday for all I care.

I wont go again. I absolutely hate her guts and would be happy if I never saw her again. You know.. whenever I give her a lift to the doctors or the church or to Sainsburys... she'll say... oooh, the car is a bit dirty.. you should clean it.. I feel like opening the door and chucking her out.

And every time we go anywhere, because of course, she doesn't drive so we have to pick them up before any family outing / party... etc.. etc.. she will critcise my clothing.

I don't criticise what she wears. Ok.. I could do on this forum. But I wouldn't dream of saying to her ... you look like a right tranp with your buck teeth and your granny shoes/handbag.. but I don't. So why should I take her nonsense? even for a few hours a month?

No thanks.

lostinrates

Jerryjerryjerry wrote: »

I think my husband just wants everybody to be happy. And we can be... I don't think i'm the only woman in the world who hates her inlaws. I think you can have a happy marriage without having to make friends and play happy families with the inlaws. I know of people who don't see their inlaws ever. I want to just be one of those people. .

OK, well, I empathise here. My in laws are not my favourite people either. And no, I do not go out of my way to spend time with most of them. When I do ''have'' to DH and I have a deal, its somewhere nuetral...not my home or theirs, but in a restaurant where I smile and drink cocktails/good wine while swallowing tart comments and enjoy the food the wine, then go home. I hope I wouldn't be caught to often bad mouthing them too badly, and like you, feel dh's relationship with his family is vital for them, but not for me.

The difference here is that dh is not a father, just a son and a brother.

Its honorable that your dh wants to keep everyone happy, you got a good one, but I think that perhaps he needs to address the issue with the son and that ''tough love'' is called for. Its interesting he lives with his grandmother, not his mother....do you know why? Where does the other son live?

RubyRue

Jerryjerryjerry wrote: »

Well, you would, wouldn't you?

:rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:

akin_drum

the_cat wrote: »

Right onto more important matters....

Troll or idiot?

Neither. The OP is honest (brutally so!) and forthright, but I don't think she is a troll or an idiot and to call her so is unfair and unkind. You may not agree with her, but there is no need for the insults, is there?

Jerryjerryjerry

lostinrates wrote: »

OK, well, I empathise here. My in laws are not my favourite people either. And no, I do not go out of my way to spend time with most of them. When I do ''have'' to DH and I have a deal, its somewhere nuetral...not my home or theirs, but in a restaurant where I smile and drink cocktails/good wine while swallowing tart comments and enjoy the food the wine, then go home. I hope I wouldn't be caught to often bad mouthing them too badly, and like you, feel dh's relationship with his family is vital for them, but not for me.

The difference here is that dh is not a father, just a son and a brother.

Its honorable that your dh wants to keep everyone happy, you got a good one, but I think that perhaps he needs to address the issue with the son and that ''tough love'' is called for. Its interesting he lives with his grandmother, not his mother....do you know why? Where does the other son live?

I don't know for certain, but I hear his real mother kicked him out a day or so before my wedding citing reasons such as, he's lazy, doesn't pull his weight and wont find a job. He left school at 15 and still hasn't worked. He gets aggressive and walks out when you mention work. My husband tries hard to let him know of job vacancies locally, but the response is very chilly if he mentions jobs.

He is happy that he has contact with him again.. this is the eldest son.

The other two still live with their mother, although there are problems with truancy, etc.

lostinrates

Jerryjerryjerry wrote: »

I don't know for certain, but I hear his real mother kicked him out a day or so before my wedding citing reasons such as, he's lazy, doesn't pull his weight and wont find a job. He left school at 15 and still hasn't worked. He gets aggressive and walks out when you mention work. My husband tries hard to let him know of job vacancies locally, but the response is very chilly if he mentions jobs.

He is happy that he has contact with him again.. this is the eldest son.

The other two still live with their mother, although there are problems with truancy, etc.

So, sounds like the mother did try and exert some tough love and the grandmother softened the blow? (or the mother straightforward failed) Your husband does have a responsibility here, and taking that on in a more proactive way might actually, though be painful in the short term, change this young man's life, improve family realtions (short term it sure as hell wouldn't!) and even lead to a man you could tolerate!

I think a lot more than //mentioning// vacancies needs to be done and your husband needs to get his mother on side to give the son a chance in life IMO. In the future you might be a role model for the man.

Put in perspective, without the aggression, your side is easier to understand.

esmerelda98

Being hard-working and disciplined are attitudes and habits people are brought up to have. It's a small proportion of people who develop these attitudes in adulthood without having been brought up to have them. With all three of your husband's sons being troubled and 'work shy', I am inclined to believe inadequate parenting is a significant issue. You yourself have seen issues with your husband's parenting. Yet little of your venom is directed at him. However, I think you've shown poor judgement too. When a man says he doesn't see his children, one of whom is only 12, very loud warning bells should be ringing. I say this even though I understand why a single woman would avoid men who have children. With the exception of a very small number of cases, I think it speaks volumes when a man says he doesn't see his children.

eamon

I'm with jerryjerryjerry on this one. Stick to your guns, google is your friend for xmas's away. Don't forget to send the christmas card. To do otherwise would be seen as churlish and lacking in manners.

mountainofdebt

I take it all back -if I was your MIL then I would be actively encouraging you to go away for Christmas.

And do you know what ?

If I knew you felt that about me I would make damn sure that you didn't get to enjoy a penny of my money when I died -and if that meant I gave it all away to complete strangers then that's what I would do.

In fact from what you've said about your MIL I think you are going to turn into a carbon copy of her.

Jerryjerryjerry

mountainofdebt wrote: »

I take it all back -if I was your MIL then I would be actively encouraging you to go away for Christmas.

And do you know what ?

If I knew you felt that about me I would make damn sure that you didn't get to enjoy a penny of my money when I died -and if that meant I gave it all away to complete strangers then that's what I would do.

In fact from what you've said about your MIL I think you are going to turn into a carbon copy of her.

Bingo. Hit the jackpot. I would LOVE for nothing more than her not being interested in me. She's almost like a stalker.

Do you have a daughter in law that hates your guts as well? It can only explain why you sound like you do.

Just accept that you can't force yourself on her and get on with your life.;)