Housemate Who Won't Pull Weight

peevedandlostforideas

busiscoming2 wrote: »

Everybody has hang ups about themselves even those who appear to be perfect. I had always been lacking in confidence but as a teenager I covered this up by being the very loud one! I did quieten down as I got older and hoped the confidence would come, which I have to say it has a little but I think that has come by realising most people are floundering underneath as well. I can walk into a room full of people and talk to anyone even though I feel really out of place and nervous, I just make myself do it. I think you have to be forceful with yourself in the end and make yourself do things and approach people. I too use the witty and sarcastic to get through situations and sometimes feel I have made a pigs ear of it.

What I am trying to say is just take a deep breath and decide you are going to do something positive to get rid of HM or move yourself out of the stale situation you are in and to go get the girl!

My housemate is just like you were. She makes herself louder to hide everything. She's so good at talking to people and I just wish I could be. Everyone says i'm nice, but it never gets me anywhere. I need some kind of assertiveness course I think.

I'm going to try and be positive. Into the town today and into the girls shop and close my eyes and make a fool of myself

Tish_P wrote: »

Being a bit socially awkward myself my advice is - ask the girl you like out sooner rather than later, because if you leave it for ages you build it up in your own head to be a Huge Event and then if she says no (which could be for any number of reasons, she may be spoken for, may be gay, may only like redheaded men five feet four and under, whatever) you are crushed because you've wasted all the time and daydreams you invested.

As for the house situation - find a way to move out. That way the friendship has a chance of survival. If you stay housemates you'll eventually fall out irreparably, if that hasn't happened already. I'm still friends with my housemate from student days despite her having left the sink-pudding for long enough that some seeds in it grew four inches high, but another 6 months and one of us would have killed the other (or we'd both have died of food poisoning).


Best of luck!

I do agree. I'm wasting so much emotional energy on her. If she says no now, I can get over it sooner than if I wait months. It would be awful seeing her at the gym though. She may be with someone. I can't believe I think she may not be as i'd imagine most guys would like her, but then if she was mean to me, she'd not be worth it anyway. Still would be gutting.

Not sure I can repair the friendship. Occasionally she'll make an effort for a day and then go back to how she is for weeks. Maybe I owe it to the friendship to give it another go in another way. Maybe I have to take on the more assertive role and as someone already stated, maybe I need to patronise for her to understand and do things. Maybe I need to treat her like my dogs and give her a treat when she's been a good girl :rotfl:Only she won't be getting no hugs from me and I won't bathe her either :cool:

Tish_P

I'm not sure how, or even if, to say this, but - pining for a girl you've only had a few brief chats with, to the extent that you would be "gutted" to find out she's in a couple, isn't healthy. Forget about rejection for a second - what if you ask her out and she says yes? How is her real personality going to live up to the girl in your head? How will she get down off that pedestal?

Yes, a GP would (and certainly should) take you seriously if you say you are depressed. It is a serious and treatable illness. I also found a book called Overcoming Low Self Esteem very helpful and would recommend it - I really hope you get to the point where you don't describe yourself as lucky for being treated like crap by your housemate, because that is heartbreaking.

peevedandlostforideas

Tish_P wrote: »

I'm not sure how, or even if, to say this, but - pining for a girl you've only had a few brief chats with, to the extent that you would be "gutted" to find out she's in a couple, isn't healthy. Forget about rejection for a second - what if you ask her out and she says yes? How is her real personality going to live up to the girl in your head? How will she get down off that pedestal?

Yes, a GP would (and certainly should) take you seriously if you say you are depressed. It is a serious and treatable illness. I also found a book called Overcoming Low Self Esteem very helpful and would recommend it - I really hope you get to the point where you don't describe yourself as lucky for being treated like crap by your housemate, because that is heartbreaking.

You are probably right, it's not healthy. I don't usually get girls talking to me and with all the troubles i've had with my housemate, this has just heightened my sensitivity. I just hoped she would be single to get to know.

I know I have serious self esteem issues. I think having friends who aren't the kind to care when you have troubles has just been the story of my life. In so many ways i'm tougher than most, but in others I am inept. Typcial friend comments - when I lost my first dog " It's only a dog, get another one", when my partner left me "Plenty more fish in the sea" and "It's not like she was a babe" and when I was very ill last year "I don't need to know it doesn't affect me, now come out for a drink with the lads or you'll be letting everyone down"

Not all of them are as harsh as that, but I don't have friends I can rely on. Which is why I need some kind of assertiveness course I think!

peevedandlostforideas

Update:

Housemate got out of bed around 2pm and nothing really happened until after I came back home. She then to my complete surprise helped groom my female dog who isn't her biggest fan anymore. She done that for about 15 minutes (it's an improvement) before things turned sour again and she said she doesn't think she's done anything wrong and doesn't see what she doesn't do as a housemate as a disrespect towards me and i'm just being silly, before changing the subject to her missing hairbrush. It's very unlikely she'll do any housework today, likely to be stating that grooming the dog was something she didn't have to do and that's her effort for the day.

After grooming myself and making myself look and smell as presentable as possible, I went to the shop to see if I could find the lovely lady. I needed a couple of things anyway. She wasn't there. I'm starting to think she's part time as I remember once before at the gym she said she'd just finished a half day. Either that or she's gone. I'd gone with a plan too, not that maybe it would have come to fruition as i'd likely freeze, but i've returned home disappointed. Trust the gym to close now when I need it most!

Just another day of building myself up to end up disappointed.

Maybe tomorrow...

Molly41

Why dont you ask a friendly looking assistant when the Lovely Lady (LL) is next in? Remember "Faint heart never won fair lady".......

You can strike up a conversation and just say....oh i havent seen LL for a while is she on holiday. We usually chat at the gym but its closed at the mo and just wondered if she is ok......

Pee

I had a crush on my boyfriend for ages before we got together and it turns out he really liked me but thought I was way too good for him. I have to say that he thinks I'm really beautiful and whilst I'm ok looking, I really don't think I look as great as he thinks, but that's what he sees.
You should make an effort or you will never know.

With the housemate, I'm sure it's hard but I think you need to look at other options and maybe phrase it as moving on with your life - do you want to buy at any stage, rent a smaller place by yourself, live with lots more other people to increase your chances of meeting someone? How will this fit in with the dogs? I'm sure there will be options if you want to move out, and trust me you should. There is then no harm in inviting her over for Sunday lunch, going around to see her, all the usual friend stuff.

peevedandlostforideas

Molly41 wrote: »

Why dont you ask a friendly looking assistant when the Lovely Lady (LL) is next in? Remember "Faint heart never won fair lady".......

You can strike up a conversation and just say....oh i havent seen LL for a while is she on holiday. We usually chat at the gym but its closed at the mo and just wondered if she is ok......

I could do. With the hope that friendly looking assistant says "You must be the guy she can't stop talking about" :rotfl:

Pee wrote: »

I had a crush on my boyfriend for ages before we got together and it turns out he really liked me but thought I was way too good for him. I have to say that he thinks I'm really beautiful and whilst I'm ok looking, I really don't think I look as great as he thinks, but that's what he sees.
You should make an effort or you will never know.

With the housemate, I'm sure it's hard but I think you need to look at other options and maybe phrase it as moving on with your life - do you want to buy at any stage, rent a smaller place by yourself, live with lots more other people to increase your chances of meeting someone? How will this fit in with the dogs? I'm sure there will be options if you want to move out, and trust me you should. There is then no harm in inviting her over for Sunday lunch, going around to see her, all the usual friend stuff.

I have to say something...if I ever see her again. Even if it's just paying a compliment without sounding like i'm coming on to her

I'm not sure what I want to be honest. Maybe live on my own would be alright. I'd like my current arrangement to continue if she bucked her ideas up. I don't think the dogs would like new people. The male would be okay but the female is funny around people she doesn't know.

Funnily enough, when I popped out she cleared the bins, cleaned the dogs area as well as groom both of them. I didn't notice earlier as I wasn't expecting it and the light was dropping. Maybe it's starting to sink in or maybe this will just be another false start

Gigervamp

Is it possible your housemate has read this thread?

peevedandlostforideas

Gigervamp wrote: »

Is it possible your housemate has read this thread?

Unlikely.

She may have done but as far as i'm aware she doesn't come here and I clear all traces of my internet activity.

It's more likely that tomorrow she'll do nothing again. She didn't do much today, but it's a vast improvement so i'm not going to push my luck.

diadeb

peevedandlostforideas wrote: »

Not everybody is 'good looking' I know, but this young lady is and it's not just that which attracted me. She's just gentle, soft, sweet, intelligent - all things that I like. Plus she's shy and awkward, just like me :rotfl:I just couldn't imagine someone that looks like her and seemingly so nice being interested in a short baldy like me :rotfl:She's not tall tall, but maybe an inch or so taller. It's why I started going to the gym. I have to improve something even if I can't improve everything.

There is someone out there for everyone - I truly believe that. My hubby is also short and half bald and he got me didn't he.;) He is hubby no 2 and I was looking for a truly nice man not a b*****d like my first.....:rotfl:

However, you are investing far too much in this one lady for your own good. Try to bring it to a level where it is just about making another friend. If she doesn't want to go out then it is still nice to chat to someone at the gym. I did that too after my break up - saw a really nice guy I fancied and we chatted every time we saw each other. Turned out he was in a relationship but c'est la vie, we liked chatting, he made me feel good about myself at a time when I was low and no harm was done!

My conclusion is you need to meet more people. Your friends are not a great support to you so I would really try to find a hobby/pastime/voluntary work that gets you out and about meeting new people. They will have nothing to judge you by and will just make their own minds up based on who they see. Low self esteem - yes, but a decent bloke underneath.

I really hope chatting here is helping you. At least you can share your thoughts and feelings with some of us here who are listening! Doesn't beat face to face friendships though!