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Housemate Who Won't Pull Weight
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peevedandlostforideas wrote: »Sounds like a plan
Might come out as Hi, while not seen, you are how? Knowing me
I know my feelings are all over the place.
Thanks for listening and responding, it's good to get it out to someone who will listen. Housemate I don't trust what she says anymore and male friends are the opposite of me and typical lads whereas i'm not in the slightestmuch more shy and well behaved
Look at it this way, you might have only this week to do it, because next week she may meet someone else, then it could be over for the rest of your lives.
Someone else wrote on another thread about only needing half a second of courage, half a second to say something, then it's over.
Ask her if she fancies a coffee sometime, it's open enough for her not to feel pressured, or be worried about what you have in mind. It's a friends place to meet, you can talk and you can relax a little and get to know each other. By the end of the coffee, you will have a better idea whether you like each other or not.
And don't put yourself down too much, women like lots of different types of men, the only reason I used to get women, is because I can be funny, I asked alot and I was myself. If they didn't like me, then they didn't say yes. And alot didn't like meIn fact most didn't, but you only need one to say yes, then you can prove to them in conversation that you're actually ok and that devil tattoo on your face isn't a deal breaker.
My Oh likes it when I am shy, she cringes if I get loud and become the centre of attention, I should really wear a T-shirt that says, "says stupid things for beer"
You need someone to click with, if you click, not much else will matter, if you don't, well you found out. Better than pining about something you never tried on your death bed. THIS IS NOT A DRESS REHEARSAL, this is the real thing, when it's gone it's gone. Try to get the most out of it.
Easy for me to say hey? Because I'm not like you, my self confidence isn't really low? Isn't it? How do you know that? People wear a face like a disguise, many many people are walking around feeling like you do, some alot worse, if we could see peoples thoughts then we wouldn't have such low opinions of ourselves.
She may well feel the same as you, she may be thinking of being a nun next week, she may be thinking about suicide because no one thinks she is attractive enough to ask out. You really never know.
Do you realise how many prescriptions for antidepressants that chemists give out? An unbelieveable amount, to people from all walks of life, you'd never know.
Once you've worked out that no one is better than you, that good looking guy who goes home and cries because his left arm isn't as big as his right arm, that good looking couple are in debt up to their eyeballs and argue every night, you realise you're not that different after all.
So get on with it.Freedom is not worth having if it does not include the freedom to make mistakes.0 -
You sound very genuine and nice! Plenty of shy people out there and plenty of not great lookers....;) There are loads of older women out there who will be looking for great qualities in a bloke rather than just looks, especially if they have a failed relationship or two behind them.
Living with your "friend" (using the term loosely) will clearly have had a maor impact on your self confidence. She is just a user and I think you deserve better. She will not change after 17 years, so just find the way round the problem - either you go or she does, whatever you can make work.
Life and people change and many friendships are not meant for life. If you can let her go, you will find that your world may just open up to new possibilities. A new hobby can truly become life changing - trust me - this has happened to me.
I bet your lady at the gym/shop is really pleased you talk to her. We all love to be acknowledged by the people around us. Take it gently, as you are doing and Bon Courage! You only get one shot at life!MFiT-T3 Number 61 Reduce mortgage by £50000Mar 13 £5660/11.32% June 13 £12513/25.03% Sept 13 £16951/33.90% Sept 14 £38391/78.78% paid offMFiT-T2 Number 34 Reduce mortgage by £66471Dec 12 100% paid off!0 -
Hi there OP
Im wondering here what impact dealing with your housemate is having on your confidence in general.
If someone ignored my wishes, thoughts and feelings on a daily basis for some years Im sure it would make me question myself and what I had to offer if one of my closest friends gradually ignored me and expected me to pick up after her with no return, it would grind me down for sure. Im sure then this would have an impact on my own emotional/ dating life and how appealing i think I am!
I would simply think about speaking to some letting agents and seeing if there is anythnig coming up in your area for you to live in with the dogs. Im sure your moneybags freind is quite able to pay the rent all alone. Or you ask her to move out and find a new housemate if you know of anyone. Are you working at the mo, does she look after your dogs while you are at work?
Your dogs will be able to cope with a move Im sure. We have moved our now 15 year old Jack russell cross twice in three years and she has been fine after a couple of days of wariness. Me & OH are her "home" as long as we are around and she can smell our stuff that is her comfort.
It's having a huge effect on my confidence. I often think to myself 'Is this the sort of person i'm going to be around for the rest of my life'. The majority of people I know aren't exactly good for my confidence. If things get to a certain point then I say something, but i'm not one to raise a problem unless I really feel like i've been taken for a ride, at least not with people that I know.
I know i'll have to start looking fairly soon at this rate. I keep hoping she'll snap out of it but at some stage i'm going to have to bite the bullet and make the move. When i'm working she's with the dogs. She does feed them upon prompting with a text/phonecall which I never used to have to do but I have to now or she forgets until the female starts making a noise. My male still goes to see her occasionally, my female doesn't make the effort. Even they've noticed the difference.
I hope they'll be ok with moving. They won't have too long left and when I lose them i'm going to be a mess. Not that any of my friends will understand of coursebusiscoming2 wrote: »I think you have given your housemate plenty of opportunity to do their share of the work. It has obviously affected your confidence (wearing you down year after year), I too think you should gently persue the lady in the shop/gym, take it slowly, be friendly and let it take its course.
I know you are sad at the loss of your long friendship but these things happen; I had a friend (a good friend) whom I saw regularly for nearly 40 years (we met at school aged 8) but the close friendship came to a natural finish about a year ago and I have only seen her twice since. People change, their lives change and you just have to accept that.
Personally I would look into alternative accommodation for you and your dogs - a new start. I suspect when you tell your HM you are leaving she will be full of promises to change, don't be sucked in, you know she won't change.
Wishing you lots of luck, oh and don't ever say you aren't good looking enough for someone - are every couple you see good looking?
I'm going to try and pursue her slowly. Just trying to think of what could be the next step. Seeing her again would be a startMy confidence is wrecked so i've got to build myself up and grow a pair maybe
. I wish I had most of my friends confidence, they'd be on the 8th date my now although their intentions would be different to mine going by past history.
40 years :eek: That's a long time for a friendship although I suppose when it ended it would have felt like it was ending too early. My problem is that she says she wants to remain friends forever and doesn't want us to stop being friends. I don't think she realises, despite my telling her, that friendships are two way. Ever since the early days we've been like brother and sister but now it seems our friendship has developed into child-dogsbody. She is very childish and lacks any responsibility. The thought of moving on on my own scares me, although in reality i've been on my own for years. Like I say, all my friends aren't the sort you talk to about anything serious.
I've already suggested moving and she does say she'll try harder. Only happened 50+ times and I haven't moved yet. Do you see a pattern? Lack of confidence to do things.
Not everybody is 'good looking' I know, but this young lady is and it's not just that which attracted me. She's just gentle, soft, sweet, intelligent - all things that I like. Plus she's shy and awkward, just like me :rotfl:I just couldn't imagine someone that looks like her and seemingly so nice being interested in a short baldy like me :rotfl:She's not tall tall, but maybe an inch or so taller. It's why I started going to the gym. I have to improve something even if I can't improve everything.While generally clean and tidy, me and my housemate do tend to find the housework a bit of a chore so it ends up with one of us saying to the other ‘right, lets get this done and do it now and do it together!!’
With us doing it together it does motivate us and we get it cleaner than if we did it on our own – and obviously with us both doing it, it takes half the time!
Another alternative is to draw up a rota – and tell her if she doesn’t pull her weight you are going.
She usually says to me 'let's do it together'. We did once. I done 99% of the work whilst she chatted to her 'mates on facebook' on her phone. Apparently her opening a black sack so I could put things into it was her 'doing something'. I only scrubbed, mopped and everything else to do with cleaningShe actually hindered more than helped by standing in the way all the time whilst chatting away on her phone. I've told her to put the phone away whilst cleaning. Yet to happen (either!)
I've suggested a rota. Apparently that's silly :cool:0 -
Who's internet is it?
I wonder if the 'net' could go down for a few days.. long enough for her to realise what a screw up she is..
It's in my name. However she has a smartphone and if she's not on the PC, she's on her phoneLotus-eater wrote: »Even if it does come out like that, it doesn't matter. I can tell you have built this up to an extent you are really worried about it, but in all honesty, the worst that can happen is she says no. And that's it, you haven't lost anything, you aren't good friends.
Look at it this way, you might have only this week to do it, because next week she may meet someone else, then it could be over for the rest of your lives.
Someone else wrote on another thread about only needing half a second of courage, half a second to say something, then it's over.
Ask her if she fancies a coffee sometime, it's open enough for her not to feel pressured, or be worried about what you have in mind. It's a friends place to meet, you can talk and you can relax a little and get to know each other. By the end of the coffee, you will have a better idea whether you like each other or not.
And don't put yourself down too much, women like lots of different types of men, the only reason I used to get women, is because I can be funny, I asked alot and I was myself. If they didn't like me, then they didn't say yes. And alot didn't like meIn fact most didn't, but you only need one to say yes, then you can prove to them in conversation that you're actually ok and that devil tattoo on your face isn't a deal breaker.
My Oh likes it when I am shy, she cringes if I get loud and become the centre of attention, I should really wear a T-shirt that says, "says stupid things for beer"
You need someone to click with, if you click, not much else will matter, if you don't, well you found out. Better than pining about something you never tried on your death bed. THIS IS NOT A DRESS REHEARSAL, this is the real thing, when it's gone it's gone. Try to get the most out of it.
Easy for me to say hey? Because I'm not like you, my self confidence isn't really low? Isn't it? How do you know that? People wear a face like a disguise, many many people are walking around feeling like you do, some alot worse, if we could see peoples thoughts then we wouldn't have such low opinions of ourselves.
She may well feel the same as you, she may be thinking of being a nun next week, she may be thinking about suicide because no one thinks she is attractive enough to ask out. You really never know.
Do you realise how many prescriptions for antidepressants that chemists give out? An unbelieveable amount, to people from all walks of life, you'd never know.
Once you've worked out that no one is better than you, that good looking guy who goes home and cries because his left arm isn't as big as his right arm, that good looking couple are in debt up to their eyeballs and argue every night, you realise you're not that different after all.
So get on with it.
It's the fear of rejection. I think being rejected by my parents when I was born instilled that in me. I never settled with any family when younger and moved frequently, so have never felt 'wanted' by anyone so learned to be independent. Maybe that's why i've done everything for people all my life as it's the only way I know.
I must admit having not seen her for what is now about a week has made me panic. What if I missed my chance? What if she's gone? Maybe feeling like this is better than being rejected though. I don't think it's the courage fully, but what happens after. I think if she said yes it would just bring more panic and fear of getting close and losing it all again.
I'll have a go at saying something when I see her next. I'll see if she's around today. Maybe she's on holiday, maybe she's gone...
I can get on with women because I like to be witty. Unfortunately alot of my wit is putting myself down. Not all of it, but most laugh. Some do say not to be harsh on myself.
I'm never loud. People tend to tell me that I come across as confident and intelligent. I guess I just don't see it.
I know people have all sorts of issues and I guess I hide mine well. Like I say, I come across as confident and intelligent, I think I dress well, i'm always polite and smile at people. I just stumble over my words and don't speak up when I should. I'd hope she doesn't think she's not attractive. That would be tragic.
I always tell myself i'm as good as anyone, as nice as anyone. I like me. I just don't like my face, my less than perfect teeth, my height, my baldness, my skin.....you get the pen picture...You sound very genuine and nice! Plenty of shy people out there and plenty of not great lookers....;) There are loads of older women out there who will be looking for great qualities in a bloke rather than just looks, especially if they have a failed relationship or two behind them.
Living with your "friend" (using the term loosely) will clearly have had a maor impact on your self confidence. She is just a user and I think you deserve better. She will not change after 17 years, so just find the way round the problem - either you go or she does, whatever you can make work.
Life and people change and many friendships are not meant for life. If you can let her go, you will find that your world may just open up to new possibilities. A new hobby can truly become life changing - trust me - this has happened to me.
I bet your lady at the gym/shop is really pleased you talk to her. We all love to be acknowledged by the people around us. Take it gently, as you are doing and Bon Courage! You only get one shot at life!
I hope I find one of these ladies, I really do. As long as they don't want to rush into something too quick.
'Friend' and I had an argument last night which prompted me to post her as I was so angry. She didn't return and hasn't appeared today. She sometimes does this and will be down later saying we should go for a walk or something and will try with that for today, maybe offer me a drink or with her money offer to buy me one, which i've told her wouldn't change anything as she's done it before and thinks it's a substitute for housework.
I hope new doors will open. I'm going to have to think of what I can do. To meet people who respect and appreciate me would be a nice start.
I'd like to think this lady liked me in some way. Even if she did, she wouldn't say anything I suspect as she seems as shy as me, although she starts conversations with me, so maybe not as shy as me, or maybe she doesn't like me like that so it's easier for her.
Will try and get some courage for today.0 -
Jeez! Sorry to be blunt but……… GROW A PAIR AND MOVE OUT!
You’ve given her plenty of chances, and it’s not like she’s a family member or your partner. So, go!
What are you gaining by staying in the same flat as her? Nothing!
I was in a similar situation myself a few years ago, I was sharing a flat with someone who spent Friday night to the early hours of Monday morning sitting in the living room with a group of friends, listening to loud music and taking “social” drugs.
I was working 2 jobs at the time and had to constantly sit in my bedroom apart from frequently popping through to request they keep the noise down. Needless to say due to his social life, he lost his job, so couldn’t pay bills etc, and ended up “depressed”, so lay in his bed all week after these parties, instead of tidying up.
I cannot express the relief and happiness I felt after moving into another flat share with civilised people who kept the place clean and tidy and showed me respect.0 -
peevedandlostforideas wrote: »It's the fear of rejection. I think being rejected by my parents when I was born instilled that in me. I never settled with any family when younger and moved frequently, so have never felt 'wanted' by anyone so learned to be independent. Maybe that's why i've done everything for people all my life as it's the only way I know.
I must admit having not seen her for what is now about a week has made me panic. What if I missed my chance? What if she's gone? Maybe feeling like this is better than being rejected though. I don't think it's the courage fully, but what happens after. I think if she said yes it would just bring more panic and fear of getting close and losing it all again.
I'll have a go at saying something when I see her next. I'll see if she's around today. Maybe she's on holiday, maybe she's gone...
I can get on with women because I like to be witty. Unfortunately alot of my wit is putting myself down. Not all of it, but most laugh. Some do say not to be harsh on myself.
I'm never loud. People tend to tell me that I come across as confident and intelligent. I guess I just don't see it.
I know people have all sorts of issues and I guess I hide mine well. Like I say, I come across as confident and intelligent, I think I dress well, i'm always polite and smile at people. I just stumble over my words and don't speak up when I should. I'd hope she doesn't think she's not attractive. That would be tragic.
I always tell myself i'm as good as anyone, as nice as anyone. I like me. I just don't like my face, my less than perfect teeth, my height, my baldness, my skin.....you get the pen picture...
My wit is very similar and I thought it was funny, but I found that putting myself down all the time in wit wasn't doing me any good, it had a backlash, yes I thought it was funny and it was funny, but maybe I did it too much.
Those close to me didn't like it. I would advise stopping it consciously.
I would go and see the doctor and tell him about your panics and low self worth. See what he says.
If she says no, then you find someone else, as human beans, that's what we do. If she says yes, then panic a little, that's normal, we are supposed to react in unknown and stressful moments, she's probably panicking too. Just calm down and think she's more stressed than you, it's your job to make her feel more at ease.Freedom is not worth having if it does not include the freedom to make mistakes.0 -
Hun, I really think you need to be actively looking for somewhere else for you and your dogs to live (pets are very adaptable and am sure they will settle into somewhere new just fine). As others mentioned it's not good for your confidence to be constantly around someone who claims to be your friend but who shows you no respect. Perhaps seeing you are actually serious about moving out would give her the kick she needs - but after 17 years I have to admit I doubt it!
Regarding the woman you like, she wouldn't keep actively making an effort to come and talk to you if she didn't see something she liked in you. I'm not going to say whether that's friendship or something more - maybe she doesn't know herself yet. Have you asked her about her interests? Maybe lead into something from that, eg if she says she loves movies you could mention how you've been dying to see xxx film and does she maybe fancy going at the weekend or something?0 -
Everybody has hang ups about themselves even those who appear to be perfect. I had always been lacking in confidence but as a teenager I covered this up by being the very loud one! I did quieten down as I got older and hoped the confidence would come, which I have to say it has a little but I think that has come by realising most people are floundering underneath as well. I can walk into a room full of people and talk to anyone even though I feel really out of place and nervous, I just make myself do it. I think you have to be forceful with yourself in the end and make yourself do things and approach people. I too use the witty and sarcastic to get through situations and sometimes feel I have made a pigs ear of it.
What I am trying to say is just take a deep breath and decide you are going to do something positive to get rid of HM or move yourself out of the stale situation you are in and to go get the girl!0 -
Being a bit socially awkward myself my advice is - ask the girl you like out sooner rather than later, because if you leave it for ages you build it up in your own head to be a Huge Event and then if she says no (which could be for any number of reasons, she may be spoken for, may be gay, may only like redheaded men five feet four and under, whatever) you are crushed because you've wasted all the time and daydreams you invested.
As for the house situation - find a way to move out. That way the friendship has a chance of survival. If you stay housemates you'll eventually fall out irreparably, if that hasn't happened already. I'm still friends with my housemate from student days despite her having left the sink-pudding for long enough that some seeds in it grew four inches high, but another 6 months and one of us would have killed the other (or we'd both have died of food poisoning).
Best of luck!0 -
19lottie82 wrote: »Jeez! Sorry to be blunt but……… GROW A PAIR AND MOVE OUT!
You’ve given her plenty of chances, and it’s not like she’s a family member or your partner. So, go!
What are you gaining by staying in the same flat as her? Nothing!
I was in a similar situation myself a few years ago, I was sharing a flat with someone who spent Friday night to the early hours of Monday morning sitting in the living room with a group of friends, listening to loud music and taking “social” drugs.
I was working 2 jobs at the time and had to constantly sit in my bedroom apart from frequently popping through to request they keep the noise down. Needless to say due to his social life, he lost his job, so couldn’t pay bills etc, and ended up “depressed”, so lay in his bed all week after these parties, instead of tidying up.
I cannot express the relief and happiness I felt after moving into another flat share with civilised people who kept the place clean and tidy and showed me respect.
She's probably the closest thing to family i've ever had and I think that's stopping me. The financial element is there as well. She does pay her bills, or rather gives me the money to pay for them and i'd struggle financially alone. It's convenient but i'm starting to think i'd rather struggle, but then if I ever did meet anyone i'd have no money to do things with them.
I'm lucky in that she doesn't smoke or do drugs and she has in the past shown she can be human towards me. I may just have to realise those days are gone though.Lotus-eater wrote: »Yep I do, sounds like I could be looking in the mirror. But I don't dress well like you do, I look like a tramp most of the time. But people still like me. I've stopped trying hard to be liked by everyone, if someone doesn't, then so be it, you can't be liked by everyone, or make everyone happy.
My wit is very similar and I thought it was funny, but I found that putting myself down all the time in wit wasn't doing me any good, it had a backlash, yes I thought it was funny and it was funny, but maybe I did it too much.
Those close to me didn't like it. I would advise stopping it consciously.
I would go and see the doctor and tell him about your panics and low self worth. See what he says.
If she says no, then you find someone else, as human beans, that's what we do. If she says yes, then panic a little, that's normal, we are supposed to react in unknown and stressful moments, she's probably panicking too. Just calm down and think she's more stressed than you, it's your job to make her feel more at ease.
I'm not worried if everyone likes me as it will never happen. I just want some too, inparticular one someone.
I will attempt to stop putting myself down although i'll be even more lost for words now.
Would a GP take me seriously. When I was depressed after my last girlfriend left me, the GP just told me to get over it basically. I have another GP now so maybe it could be worth asking. Problem is my GP surgery is in the building next door to where this girl works. Heart will skip a beat as I walk past the window again
If she says no it will take ages to get over, that's just me. Over sensitive when I like someone. Finding someone else......it's taken me 6 years to even like someone, I don't want to wait another 6. I'd forgotten what it was like to 'like' someone. I'm not sure I even like the feelingHun, I really think you need to be actively looking for somewhere else for you and your dogs to live (pets are very adaptable and am sure they will settle into somewhere new just fine). As others mentioned it's not good for your confidence to be constantly around someone who claims to be your friend but who shows you no respect. Perhaps seeing you are actually serious about moving out would give her the kick she needs - but after 17 years I have to admit I doubt it!
Regarding the woman you like, she wouldn't keep actively making an effort to come and talk to you if she didn't see something she liked in you. I'm not going to say whether that's friendship or something more - maybe she doesn't know herself yet. Have you asked her about her interests? Maybe lead into something from that, eg if she says she loves movies you could mention how you've been dying to see xxx film and does she maybe fancy going at the weekend or something?
I very much doubt she believes i'll walk away. She's very good at making me feel guilty and like i'm the one with the problems and making it known she feels as if she done nothing wrong.
I've not really asked her too much other than encourage her in the gym. I've got to pluck up the courage to say something. She may not even be single. She's never mentioned anyone or hinted at anyone. I think if I saw her with someone else i'd be gutted. I'm trying to get up the courage to go into her shop this afternoon, but i've done that for the last two days and she's not been there0
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