Housemate Who Won't Pull Weight

peevedandlostforideas

BitterAndTwisted wrote: »

You've begged, pleaded and got angry and nothing has made any difference. This must be a very difficult realisation for you. I think you need to have a close look at that tenancy agreement and sort out how quickly you can give notice and move on. Or get someone more amenable to share with. Perhaps someone you don't have any emotional attachment to. You can't make someone change if they don't want to or don't see why they should: only they can do that. Perhaps once you make it clear that she's so horrible to live with that you're ready to end your association she might sit up and take notice. Don't hold your breath.

lynzpower wrote: »

how long have you actually contracted for? Just wondering if you can get out of your contract anytime soon?

To answer you both with regards to the tenancy, it's a months notice but as long as one person is staying and will cough up the full rent themselves, I can leave straight away.

The only issue I have, or at least the main one is my two dogs who'd need to come with me. They've lived here all their lives and they are now elderly. I'm not sure how they'd cope with the move or if they'd be considered resilient enough? No friends will take me in with them in tow. Always a sticking point. If they weren't around, and I hope they are around for a while yet, it would be easier.

Then there is the guilt of leaving a friend behind. I'm very loyal which probably hasn't helped my cause.

The worst thing is, we can have a real bad argument about it all and then the next day she's all smiley with me and i'm still angry and then the cycle starts again when she decides she's too busy or tired to do anything and can we do it tomorrow

BitterAndTwisted

In which case I would investigate the possibility of getting her out and someone else in with you. Sounds like she doesn't particularly care where she lives as long as she's got her computer plugged in

mountainofdebt

The thing is if you've tried to get her to see sense (i.e in terms of her personal and general hygiene) and to put it bluntly you've failed.

So you've now got to consider your position. You can either find somewhere that you can live with your both dogs or you stick it out where you currently live.

If you decide to stay then you have to let go, accepting that the person who now occupies your friend's body is not the person you moved in with and have spent all this time with has gone (but may reappear). It may be that you have to consider her as a person just occupying the same house but not there to share any of the chores - and I certainly wouldn't be cooking for her.

It does sound though that once her money has run out, reality will take a big bite out of her (lazy) bum.

peevedandlostforideas

BitterAndTwisted wrote: »

In which case I would investigate the possibility of getting her out and someone else in with you. Sounds like she doesn't particularly care where she lives as long as she's got her computer plugged in

I think she likes living with me as i've been such a soft touch. I've almost looked after her knowing of her anxiety issues and had little back in return when i've needed a friend. Just last year I was very unwell - I still did all the cleaning, shopping and anything else you can think of whilst she played around online with her 'friends'.

mountainofdebt wrote: »

The thing is if you've tried to get her to see sense (i.e in terms of her personal and general hygiene) and to put it bluntly you've failed.

So you've now got to consider your position. You can either find somewhere that you can live with your both dogs or you stick it out where you currently live.

If you decide to stay then you have to let go, accepting that the person who now occupies your friend's body is not the person you moved in with and have spent all this time with has gone (but may reappear). It may be that you have to consider her as a person just occupying the same house but not there to share any of the chores - and I certainly wouldn't be cooking for her.

It does sound though that once her money has run out, reality will take a big bite out of her (lazy) bum.

I've slowly been letting go this last year or so and it's now destroying any small amount of confidence I had, making me doubt myself and my abilities. I know I have to let go fully and i've told her this is what I want but then we start having more arguments about how it's not what she wants. She talks a good game, but never backs up what she says. I just feel sad - a flatmate who seems to have given up on our friendship despite her words to the contrary and another girl that I like that won't like me back - I sound a right royal wimp don't I I'm not though, just very shy

I've got to work out what to do, but I can't be walked all over anymore. I've got to try and just get on with the chores and not get angry and try and bite my lip when i'm asked why i'm not dining with her.

leandygandy

peevedandlostforideas wrote: »

I think she likes living with me as i've been such a soft touch. I've almost looked after her knowing of her anxiety issues and had little back in return when i've needed a friend. Just last year I was very unwell - I still did all the cleaning, shopping and anything else you can think of whilst she played around online with her 'friends'.



I've slowly been letting go this last year or so and it's now destroying any small amount of confidence I had, making me doubt myself and my abilities. I know I have to let go fully and i've told her this is what I want but then we start having more arguments about how it's not what she wants. She talks a good game, but never backs up what she says. I just feel sad - a flatmate who seems to have given up on our friendship despite her words to the contrary and another girl that I like that won't like me back - I sound a right royal wimp don't I I'm not though, just very shy

I've got to work out what to do, but I can't be walked all over anymore. I've got to try and just get on with the chores and not get angry and try and bite my lip when i'm asked why i'm not dining with her.

I agree that you cannot be walked all over anymore. You have been very accommodating and (observation not criticism) enabled her to continue with her behaviour.

With regards to the rest of the bold bit - I really don't think this will do you any favours. You must be honest with her. She has learnt in the past that you will tell her how you feel, she will become confrontational and then things will go back to how they were. I know it's easier said than done but you simply HAVE to break this cycle - she is manipulating you and IT ISN'T FAIR ON YOU.

And as for the other lady - do try to pluck up the confidence to tell her how you feel, she may also be shy, you never know!!!

peevedandlostforideas

leandygandy wrote: »

I agree that you cannot be walked all over anymore. You have been very accommodating and (observation not criticism) enabled her to continue with her behaviour.

With regards to the rest of the bold bit - I really don't think this will do you any favours. You must be honest with her. She has learnt in the past that you will tell her how you feel, she will become confrontational and then things will go back to how they were. I know it's easier said than done but you simply HAVE to break this cycle - she is manipulating you and IT ISN'T FAIR ON YOU.

And as for the other lady - do try to pluck up the confidence to tell her how you feel, she may also be shy, you never know!!!

The problem has been not being able to find the right way to deal with her. I have failed, but i'm not taking it to heart as I know i'm not the problem.

I know she's manipulating me. I do feel like i'd be the final deserter if you like, not that she deserves me. I will be honest but i'll just have to try and not get angry about it, at least outwardly.

The other lady is shy. Very sweet, intelligent and possibly the most naturally beautiful lady i've ever met and i'm not exaggerating. She's the first woman i've met that i've remotely liked since my last partner walked out on me 6 years ago and I can't get over how gentle and lovely she is. She would never go for someone like me though

I'm all over the place at the moment, hence starting this thread. Some outside views have been very welcome.

leandygandy

peevedandlostforideas wrote: »

The problem has been not being able to find the right way to deal with her. I have failed, but i'm not taking it to heart as I know i'm not the problem.

I know she's manipulating me. I do feel like i'd be the final deserter if you like, not that she deserves me. I will be honest but i'll just have to try and not get angry about it, at least outwardly.

The other lady is shy. Very sweet, intelligent and possibly the most naturally beautiful lady i've ever met and i'm not exaggerating. She's the first woman i've met that i've remotely liked since my last partner walked out on me 6 years ago and I can't get over how gentle and lovely she is. She would never go for someone like me though

I'm all over the place at the moment, hence starting this thread. Some outside views have been very welcome.

How do you know that? Are you sure that's not just your dented self confidence talking?

If you think there's the slightest chance she might feel the same (and I'm guessing she likes you in some way - even if not romantically - or she wouldn't spend time with you!) then you should talk to her about it. Of course this wouldn't be the best thing to do if you think it might damage the friendship......what advice would you give to an anonymous poster who said :

'I like this lady, she's really lovely, but she won't like me back and she'd never go for a man like me'

?

Try and have a nice objective think about it...

peevedandlostforideas

leandygandy wrote: »

How do you know that? Are you sure that's not just your dented self confidence talking?

If you think there's the slightest chance she might feel the same (and I'm guessing she likes you in some way - even if not romantically - or she wouldn't spend time with you!) then you should talk to her about it. Of course this wouldn't be the best thing to do if you think it might damage the friendship......what advice would you give to an anonymous poster who said :

'I like this lady, she's really lovely, but she won't like me back and she'd never go for a man like me'

?

Try and have a nice objective think about it...

It's definitely my dented confidence that i've been trying to rebuild that is talking. I can't see why she would choose me though as their are far better looking men out there.

I would be worried about ruining the friendship. We are both awkward around each other but she always smiles and is polite with me. I've been out of the 'game' so long i've forgotten what to do.:o Ironically my housemate says that this lady likes me, but with recent goings on I find it hard to listen to anything that she says seriously.

I hear what you say about if another poster posted. I'm just scared of being rejected as it would knock me back big time if it ruined anything and i'd be back to the only female that loves me being my female dog and as much as I love her, I don't see her as my dream woman :rotfl:

System

Unfortunetly housesharing has a habit of making and breaking friendships. One of my best friends pretty much just became an aquaintence after we flat shared a few years. :(Sometimes you have to let go and move on.

LegalBlonde

i've been through this so many times with friends....

why don't you hire a cleaner get an invoice and say right unless you clean today, i will have them come.

or have the cleaner come, and say right i pay this week you pay next week UNLESS you clean the day before they come....