Housemate Who Won't Pull Weight

peevedandlostforideas

Same old gumpf, current user looking for a bit of anominity just in case...

Here's the situation from my side...

I live with someone as a joint tenant and this person is incredibly lazy and treats the home poorly.

She rarely cleans , washes up , hoovers or anything. She cleaned some sides on Sunday for the first time in months, has never washed up (17 years) and last hoovered sometimes in the noughties maybe. I can't think of anything else she has ever done.

Being myself, I generally cook the times she's willing to eat anything healthy and not sit on facebook eating rubbish. I do all the cleaning, washing up etc.

She barely washes her clothes. Maybe every 2-3 months, but she has so many and if she needs clean, she buys new. This doesn't affect me unless she's wearing the same clothes day in day out and not bothering to wash.

Sometime last year she met a guy online who she speaks too for hours a day. He's abusive alot of the time but she says it's ok as she's attracted to him. She barely does anything with me anymore and other friends of hers have disappeared as they didn't like the way she decided not to bother with them when she met this new guy. She says she's too busy to clean. Her busy is being on facebook. I'm one of the few who still see her and that's only because I live with her. She never did do much around the house, but she at least washed and had meals and gave other people the time of day.

I've tried every tactic to get her to do the things she needs to do, for herself personally and for the home. We are joint tenants so I can't kick her out. I've tried talking, i've shouted, i've even broken my own things as I watch my longest friendship fall apart as i'm the one that's tried to salvage something. She doesn't listen to me and only talks to me when she wants to talk about her things, mainly to do with her facebook life.

Before I chuck in the towel once and for all and really move on, does anybody have any suggestions? I'm tired of getting upset and angry all the time watching my oldest friend drift away, let herself go for someone who any friend would not want a friend to be involved with (He's openly abusive, not just privately) and listen to her every day promise about how tomorrow she's going to do some cleaning, which never gets done. I waited a week once without cleaning something and every day of that week was 'Tomorrow' and about 4 days another time, with the same excuse. I don't usually wait but she said she was going to prove herself. It never happened and I just cleaned up myself as I don't want to live in dirt.

I'm lost for ideas as to what I can say or do to make her realise that she needs to pull her weight. I've been a soft touch for 17 years and I just cannot take it anymore. I'm sure I have many faults, i'm not perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but this has to stop now as i'm starting to get depressed and I really don't like this feeling.

DUTR

After following this thread https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/3427375 , it seems the obvious answer is to chuck the towel in, Is the real issue about perhaps losing your friend or all the things you criticise her for?

LegalBlonde

Does your friend hold down a job??? If not how does she pay rent????

j.e.j.

Eww, poor you. I'm not sure you can get someone who's not bothered being clean in 17 years to suddenly change their ways. Maybe get the current boyfriend to tell her she's a munter, as he seems to be the only person she'll listen to, LOL!

peevedandlostforideas

DUTR - I'll have a read of that thread, thanks. (Had to remove it from my reply as not allowed links when I reply as a 'new user'

It's both as i've always had issues with her doing nothing, but the fact my friend is drifting away has just made it worse, especially on the waste of space involved. I always knew she never appreciated all that I did, but it's crystal clear now that she's only ever used me. I've always sorted all the bills, gone shopping with her and done numerous other things as she's always had anxiety.

Yes, i'm annoyed I get no appreciation or respect, but it's so many things and at a time in my life where i've met someone I like but can't tell them as i'm very shy and the girl involved is way too good for me and I don't have my longest serving friend to talk too about it and my male friends who are more confident don't understand so wanted a female view.:o

It's a million things and they've all come together at the same time.

LegalBlonde - She came into some money a couple of years ago so pays rent, council tax and the rest with that. It will run out eventually and soon at current spending rate.

j.e.j - He regularly tells her she's not good enough for him but keeps coming back for more. They just text and chat on facebook together all day and night and he won't listen to anyone else and just tells them to (insert word) off.

LegalBlonde

Why did I have a feeling you were going to say that!!!

No advice I am afraid. Except if I had been in a situation for 17 years that wasn't going to change, I would move on from the problem.

peevedandlostforideas

LegalBlonde wrote: »

Why did I have a feeling you were going to say that!!!

No advice I am afraid. Except if I had been in a situation for 17 years that wasn't going to change, I would move on from the problem.

I know you are right, but after living most of my adult life with the same person (ex gf lived here too in the past) it's going to be a huge wrench. I want to save the friendship if possible, but I fear the end is nigh. She isn't going to change and i'll continue to be used. We've been like brother and sister with me being the older brother, albeit youngest in age. I'm just sad it may be ending.

LegalBlonde

Hey, this is an impulse idea but why not suggest she hire a cleaner with all that money that means she doesn't have to work?

peevedandlostforideas

LegalBlonde wrote: »

Hey, this is an impulse idea but why not suggest she hire a cleaner with all that money that means she doesn't have to work?

Already tried it. Apparently there is no need as 'we' can do it ourselves.

She always says she will do it, but never does then accuses me of never giving her the chance to do so. I think 17 years is a 'chance' to most people.

BitterAndTwisted

You've begged, pleaded and got angry and nothing has made any difference. This must be a very difficult realisation for you. I think you need to have a close look at that tenancy agreement and sort out how quickly you can give notice and move on. Or get someone more amenable to share with. Perhaps someone you don't have any emotional attachment to. You can't make someone change if they don't want to or don't see why they should: only they can do that. Perhaps once you make it clear that she's so horrible to live with that you're ready to end your association she might sit up and take notice. Don't hold your breath.

lynzpower

how long have you actually contracted for? Just wondering if you can get out of your contract anytime soon?