Being a homemaker even after the kids have left home

flaire

Two years ago my husband changed his job and we had to move because otherwise it would have ment an awful 120 mile round trip every day. Our housing costs reduced and his salary increased but I had to resign. After reviewing our finances, we concluded that I didn't have to work if we decided to live a simple life.

Two years on and I love this simple life. My friends from the time before are often amazed by the things that give me joy and pleasure. A well kept home, a weekly food menu, good home cooking, crafts, gardening and volunteering. I help run the village hall and am a volunteer library assistant. I discovered I love gardening and grow food and sigh with utter contentment when I open the bedroom curtains in the morning and look at the garden we made. I knit! I actually knit and what's more, I love it.

Six months ago, I began feeling guilty. I was enjoying my life so much and yet my wonderful husband had to go out to work everyday. It gnawed at me so I decided to talk to him about it. I told him that is was obvious that I had the 'best side of the deal'. He laughed and said that he felt he had the 'best side'. He said he doesn't have to worry or be distracted by all those details and chores. He can focus on his job, that he adores, and that has led to him receiving a promotion and a pay increase. He comes home, he said, to a beautiful home, to a happy wife, to a lovely scent wafting from the kitchen. I have to admit, I did cry a little. He's a wonderful and utterly lovely man.

I am blessed and I know that and every day I thank God. I don't need expensive holidays, the latest shiny gadget or a wardrobe stuffed with clothes I'll never wear. For me, it's The Simple Life and being a proud housewife.

f x

bevhousehastings

Hi all
Please forgive me as I've only read the first and last page of the link but felt I must respond.
There is so much help out there! You're right when one partner works you can't really get means tested benefits, unless lower paid/part time etc. However you might be entitled to Incapacity Benefit (based on your working history and illness), and DLA (based on your illness). You might also find that there are groups/options of things to do locally that are free - for example we have some free organised walks and cheap sports activities down here in Hastings.
Best of luck

MummyOfTwo

what a wonderful thread!

this is the very debate my husband and i are having at the moment. i have always worked/studied, but now i find myself with a 7yr old daughter and a three year old son, pillaged with childcare fees for my 19hrs a week job. yes its in the field i studied hard to join (as a single mum to my daughter i gained a 2:1 degree), so i do feel those expections on me to be out there working by family etc. my hubby has recently pointed out to me how happy i am at home with the kids, baking, out in the park etc, and happier when i have the time to keep the family home looking lovely.
im increasingly starting to believe that theres no such thing as 'having it all'.... any thoughts?

juliapenguin

bevhousehastings - thanks for the helpful advice about benefits. I tried claiming the shiny new improved version of Incapacity Benefit when I left my last proper job last month, but there must be a problem with my tax/NI records as they said I wasn't eligible for benefits based on the tax year 2008/9 - which was the year I earned more than I've ever earned in my life (15K). They are looking into it, but to be honest, the changes to the rules mean that I probably won't be able to cope with a claim - the humiliation involved in Incapacity Benefit was bad enough (it was horrible), but this looks a lot worse. Also, I'm planning to be on the books of a couple of language schools to do supply work on days/weeks when I feel well enough, so this would cause a lot of problems - the system doesn't really cater for people whose health goes up and down on a completely unpredictable basis.

juliapenguin

MummyOfTwo wrote: »

im increasingly starting to believe that theres no such thing as 'having it all'.... any thoughts?

I bet you've been told a million times by middle-aged women like me that you should make the most of this time with your children becaue they grow up so fast!!! I heard it so often and never really believed it - but it's so TRUE.

Oldernotwiser

bevhousehastings wrote: »

Hi all
Please forgive me as I've only read the first and last page of the link but felt I must respond.
There is so much help out there! You're right when one partner works you can't really get means tested benefits, unless lower paid/part time etc. However you might be entitled to Incapacity Benefit (based on your working history and illness), and DLA (based on your illness). You might also find that there are groups/options of things to do locally that are free - for example we have some free organised walks and cheap sports activities down here in Hastings.
Best of luck

Incapacity Benefit doesn't exist any more for new claimants.

valk_scot

MummyOfTwo wrote: »

.
im increasingly starting to believe that theres no such thing as 'having it all'.... any thoughts?

Oh, one can have it all.....good career, good income, lovely partner, beautiful kids, two cats and a dog etc. But time and energy to sit back and experience and appreciate these blessings fully? Not so much, I think.

Cheapskate

I heard an expert once say that we CAN have it all - just not simultaneously!

I've done various part time jobs, worked full time very briefly, in the 25 years I've been married - pros and cons all round - but find that pressures now are far greater than when my older kids were little. I'm clinging onto my current, very part time job (less than 10 hrs a month on average) just so that I have something to fall back on if DH's work takes a drop, etc. I do a couple of voluntary things outside home, trying not to encroach on time with my darling littlies, but am very happy being almost a SAHM! Wouldn't change it. I think I'm fairly intelligent - have surprised a councillor, teacher, nursery manager and charity worker this week with some of the things I know - foiling their lowly expectations of me!!

Do what you want, OP & everyone else - if it works for you then blow what other people think! If you don't enjoy it, then you find a job or give up your job, do voluntary work.... I realise a lot of us don't have the financial luxury sometimes, but as long as you & yours can pay your bills, then go for it!

ETA: Can I be a member of the modern homemaker club, too?

A xo

Pooky

I was aiming to go back to work in a part time capacity when my daughters were of secondary school age having left work on maternity leave with the first and having a few years working part time as a childminder whilst they were little. However this all changed 2 and a half years ago (6 months before our youngest started secondary school) when my husband was involved in a car accident thats left him with muscular and neurological problems as well as mental health issues.

I loved being at home when the kids were little and joined several mum and tots groups that kept the social side of life going, as they got older and moved on to school I had the time to dedicate to the home and as a family we sacrificed a lot in order for me to stay at home because that was important to us.

Now I'm no longer home alone but have DH here too, luckily he has a good sickness pay/policy in place and we can still afford for me to remain at home. This is also crucial for DH as there's lots he can't currently do for himself and his mental health would suffer greatly if he were left alone whilst I was out at work.

I have many friends who bemoan how little time they have for a life outside of work but are unwilling to give up a certain standard of living to attain the "time". DH's accident has proved to us that life's far to precious to worry about what other people think about our situation. We can afford for me not to work, DH gets the best care I can provide and we are both here for our now teenage girls who appreciate that whilst we may not be money rich, we always have time.

I get such a huge sense of pride from running the home, knowing that nearly everything is homemade, that I've got time to recycle not only our waste but clothes/furniture and my crafts make our home cosy and comfy,

I fully appreciate that some people need much more social interaction, I couldn't care less if I didn't speak to another person outside of my family unit for a month and I think that's key to how you organise your days, if you need people, see them, if you don't, do your own thing and let others see just how happy you can be.

YORKSHIRELASS

MummyOfTwo wrote: »

im increasingly starting to believe that theres no such thing as 'having it all'.... any thoughts?

I strongly agree with this sentiment. Three years ago I was working ridiculously long hours (up to 50 hours a week). My kids used to ask me sometimes if I had been to bed because I was on the laptop when they went to sleep and was on it again when they woke up. I was expected to answer my mobile whenever and where-ever (even once taking a conference call sitting on the beach in the school summer holidays while the kids made sandcastles). I was permanently exhausted. Why did I live this life? I am not even sure I know the answer to that but I definitely felt like I was proving to the world that I was a modern woman who could do it all.

Then my son fell seriously ill and we were told that he had a life long condition and was never going to be able to do the things that other kids were able to do. I still battled on trying to keep it all going until one morning I sat at my desk and just fell to pieces - I cried and cried because I simply couldnt do it any more.

I handed in my notice and over the last year I have made a wonderful discovery. I dont have to have a high flying job to be a worthwhile person. I feel a little sad sometimes that I spent all those years getting qualifications and experience which I am not using at the moment but so what? My life has changed direction and I will go wherever this path leads me now.