Being a homemaker even after the kids have left home

Oldernotwiser

valk_scot wrote: »

I could argue that I keep my OH! He might earn the money but I run the rest of our lives. If I ran off with the milkman OH would be struggling big style, especially when it came to looking after the kids and holding down his current job. It's just a different way of partitioning the workload. We don't look on it as him "keeping" me but more as both contributing to the same pot but in different ways.

I do appreciate the partnership aspect but the fact is, if you don't work or keep up your skills on a voluntary basis and the relationship breaks down, you're likely to end up posting on the Benefits Board saying, "I'm 50, haven't worked for 20 years and my husband's left me. How can I life on £65 per week and how will I manage in retirement with no pension?"

Women need to protect themselves and think a bit more about possible future scenarios, unless they already have an independent income.

liney

There is a school in my area that takes foreign students over the summer for (I think) around 10 weeks, to board and learn English. I know they advertise each year for qualified TEFL teachers. Perhaps seasonal work is an option as well as the 10 hour a week job you are seeking? This kind of place http://www.discoverysummer.co.uk/

Being a mature student, wife and mother I have found that during the long holidays when my son has still been at school, I had to organise my days lest I go mad rattling around the clean and tidy house on my own, and that's just from 9am - 3pm. I have joined the gym, volunteered for one day a week, increased our veggie plot, foraged, began to cross stitch and browsed some reading materials for my upcomming dissertation. I need to have a purpose and not just to have 'existed' for the day.

chirpychick

We havent been blessed with children yet, we are facing fertility treatment within the next 2 years. Ive worked part time and full time since i was old enough to get a paper round at 11. We have been married 5 years and my job was getting worse and worse so last month i left and now i am a home maker and the hassle i get from members of the family etc is really irritating but my hubby and i are happy even if we dont have much money. Do what you and your family want, dont worry about anything else x

sharloid

I'd love to reduce my hours so I could spend more time on the home instead of just ignoring it! Unfortunately our income is too low so it's not really a possibility.

SpendlessKaren

juliapenguin wrote: »

What sort of things do you do with your days? I'm finding it really helpful to get some insight into what other contented homemakers do with themselves!

I garden, meet friends for lunch, have taken up tai chi. I am very content though if I am just at home. I like looking after the home and cooking etc, so even if I have a day when I have nothing planned I enjoy my time indoors.

To me the best part is not having to be anywhere at a certain time.

juliapenguin

Again, thanks for all the helpful replies.

I know some people haven't read the whole thread, but with me the issue is serious, long-term mental health problems made worse by two major bereavements in twelve months (mother and brother) and another brother with an incurable form of cancer. I've always worked myself, and have very strong employment skills (there's two 'levels' of English as a Foreign Language qualifications and I've got the higher level). The problem is that most jobs insist on you working more hours per week than I can manage. I start off ok, but within a few weeks my mental and physical health are going downhill very fast.

I realise that there's a risk the marriage might not last - my first husband left me for my best friend - and probably this is why I'm still struggling to find that perfect job that doesn't make me ill. However, I need to look after myself today, rather than worrying about something which may or may not happen at some time in the future. If my husband does leave me one day, I'll be in a better condition to cope with that if my mental health is stable. We don't have any debts and half of our savings are in my name only, plus my name is on the deeds of the house. If the worst happens, it happens, but I think our marriage is more likely to survive if I'm being myself rather than a nervous wreck.

It's not a question of being 'kept' - the fact is that I'm not well, rather than lazy/spoilt/naive/complacent/whatever. If I have to stay at home for a while, I need to have some strategies for planning and enjoying my homemaking role.

kings981

Kemiera19 wrote: »

Julia - check out http://www.cherrymenlove.com she's 36 and has been writing her blog since 2005, she does have 1 year old twins now but even before them, by her own admission, her career is her home, running it, looking after it and caring for her husband. No 'just' involved!

I love this blog, I've been following it for more than a year. Such lovely photographs and she writes very well. One of the best blogs I've ever seen. And now she has a book deal!!!:T

valk_scot

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

I do appreciate the partnership aspect but the fact is, if you don't work or keep up your skills on a voluntary basis and the relationship breaks down, you're likely to end up posting on the Benefits Board saying, "I'm 50, haven't worked for 20 years and my husband's left me. How can I life on £65 per week and how will I manage in retirement with no pension?"

Women need to protect themselves and think a bit more about possible future scenarios, unless they already have an independent income.

Oh, we've got pension and insurance nailed down...he'd need extra income to cover childcare costs for example, if I died. And we've done the sums in case of split-up, with everything in joint names and protected for both of us. We're far better off financially together of course but we'd both manage (just) if we split up. We do own some property in common which brings in rental income...we don't touch that atm, it gets reinvested...but if necessary we could access that as a source of income. It's set up this way to give us a better income when he retires, but it won't matter if we're together or apart at that point. Plus I've got other skills now that I've developed during my stay at home years which I could use to provide a modest part time income.


So yes, we have thought about it. I do take your point though that anyone setting out on this path should think long term about all their finances, for both halves of the partnership. The working partner is affected long term by all of this as well remember. It's not just the stay at home person who has to protect all possible futures. And remember it's not always the woman who is the stay at home person.

lostinrates

ceridwen wrote: »

We will all of us have differing circumstances and will make differing decisions accordingly.

Exactly this. Its not just about who we are but where we find ourselves. If dh had more regular hours and time off was ''secure'' and reliable I think I'd enjoy having a part time ''job'', althogh we don't ''need'' the money it wold always be useful. If I had not been ill I might not have given up my complicated career....but then what would have happened when DH went overseas? If I were a different person the decisions might have been different and equally fitting.

The difference for me would be affordability. I might not be financially independant now, but WE still are. If that were in danger then our preferences wold change and I would be working all I could.

valk_scot

juliapenguin wrote: »

Again, thanks for all the helpful replies.

I know some people haven't read the whole thread, but with me the issue is serious, long-term mental health problems made worse by two major bereavements in twelve months (mother and brother) and another brother with an incurable form of cancer. I've always worked myself, and have very strong employment skills (there's two 'levels' of English as a Foreign Language qualifications and I've got the higher level). The problem is that most jobs insist on you working more hours per week than I can manage. I start off ok, but within a few weeks my mental and physical health are going downhill very fast.

I realise that there's a risk the marriage might not last - my first husband left me for my best friend - and probably this is why I'm still struggling to find that perfect job that doesn't make me ill. However, I need to look after myself today, rather than worrying about something which may or may not happen at some time in the future. If my husband does leave me one day, I'll be in a better condition to cope with that if my mental health is stable. We don't have any debts and half of our savings are in my name only, plus my name is on the deeds of the house. If the worst happens, it happens, but I think our marriage is more likely to survive if I'm being myself rather than a nervous wreck.

It's not a question of being 'kept' - the fact is that I'm not well, rather than lazy/spoilt/naive/complacent/whatever. If I have to stay at home for a while, I need to have some strategies for planning and enjoying my homemaking role.

I think you're absolutely right in that your health problem trumps everything other possible problem. You're not going to get any better living your current lifestyle and you're fortunate enough to be in a position where you've got this option to step aside for the moment and take the time to build up your mental reserves. Go for it and ignore any critical comments you may recieve from work collegues and such. It's none of their bloomin' buisiness tbh.

So, see above. A loose, flexible routine helps with the Must Do stuff but don't feel the least bit embarrassed about taking time for yourself and your interests, whatever they are. After all, you keeping on top of the chores during the week will free up time for both of you at the weekends, which he'll undoubtable appreciate. Also there's the benefits of a tidy house, dinner and a far less stressed partner, no? Treat the home making bit as your job, your contribution (which of course it is) and don't feel it's not good enough for you to get a few rewards. Any interests or hobbies you've not had time to pursue lately? Now's the time.