Being a homemaker even after the kids have left home

MRSTITTLEMOUSE

ceridwen wrote: »

That is a point I can resonate with on here. I am unable to "define myself by my job" - because the job is low-paid/low status...so the last thing I would do is to "define myself by my job". So - I define myself by ME and my interests/level/etc - and thats a different level to the job I have to do. So - the job I do simply doesnt come into my calculations personally as in any way "personal" to me....because it just isnt.

I am personally looking forward hugely to "being my own person" come retirement at last and not even mentioning the type of job I've had to do for so many years. At long long last EVERYONE will define me by "myself" and not the job I have:D:T:D:T. Jobs have been purely and simply a means to an end for a long time now..

As I said in my earlier post I have never worked outside the home having married at 16,however I have never felt the need to define myself as being anything other than myself.
I've had snide comments from women (and it has always been women never men) in the past who just could'nt understand as they put it how I could possibly "do nothing" all day:rotfl:.
If only they knew.
My days have always been totally filled,I've never ever been bored and would'nt change my life for anything.
I've probably had a more fulfilling life than any of these so called career women.
Add to that the fact I have been able to be with my children every second of their childhood and I know I did the right thing.
No job would have been worth missing that.
Earning excess money could never have compensated for the loss of the experience either.

ceridwen

Guess that what sex understands things can work in a variety of ways.

I do tend to find personally that its men who understand what its like to have no choice but to continue to go to work all day every single day - however badly its paid, however boring it is, however stressful there is and that there is absolutely no "escape" until retirement. Any time I "have a moan" about having to do so to a man he always understands and often sighs heavily himself at being in the same position. At that point - we're two colleagues together having a joint moan about the fact that we're stuck with few/if any other options available.

Its always been women who've come out with "If you dont like it - then just leave" type comments. I can only recall one man saying this ever - and he was management and using a "management technique" of encourage people to go if you possibly can (and its not for their own sake...).

Personally - I would have continued to work full-time even if married - unless both me and hubbie had had decently-paid work and we had both decided to cut our hours equally (say down to 3 days a week - ie we would have been doing 6 days worth equally between us of working each week). I do feel very sorry for men with the "no get off the treadmill" scenario that they are trapped in - and sorry for myself that I'm on it with them. Fortunate indeed is the person (of either sex) who has a job that they love. Guess theres a certain irony there that people who have a job they love often also get well-paid for doing it...a best of both worlds scenario.

One day...one day...when I'm retired from "the treadmill" then maybe/just maybe I'll find a job I love AND get paid decently for "falling into my lap". Meanwhile - I'm now too "tired" for most work of my choice (ie because it has to be voluntary on top of the "treadmill") and am looking forward to a resurgence of "energy" come the time and having that energy back to do work of choice again (even if it still has to be on a voluntary basis only...).

rachbc

When my husband was deeply unhappy at work we looked at him giving up and doing a masters for a year and I was more than willing and able to support him to do so so I don't think the gender issue is really as clear cut as that. As a careers adviser I support many people to see options for change and to make those options happen - I've yet to meet any one who genuinely has no choices but many who put their own barriers up to prevent them making changes. In my husband's case a great opportunity did 'fall into his lap' after he worked very very hard for that opportunity to appear so he didn't stop working in the end.

juliapenguin

I think the situation is complicated by illness, though. I know I'm a really good teacher and have a great CV which always gets me an interview, but if I say at interview that I need/want a smaller number of teaching hours (bearing in mind that English as a Foreign Language jobs tend to be Zero Hours contracts only while the visa laws are changing for international students) they are wary of employing me.

liney

juliapenguin wrote: »

I think the situation is complicated by illness, though. I know I'm a really good teacher and have a great CV which always gets me an interview, but if I say at interview that I need/want a smaller number of teaching hours (bearing in mind that English as a Foreign Language jobs tend to be Zero Hours contracts only while the visa laws are changing for international students) they are wary of employing me.

That's why I suggested the Seasonal Work: it might be more hours than you would like, but you know it's only for X weeks, not a regular thing.

Then you can claim the tax back at the end of the year if you end up earning below your yearly allowance overall.

It also occurred to me that if you like to teach in small groups, then are there any Employment Agencies nearby who perhaps have an influx of Eastern Europeans who may benefit from your skills? You could ask if you can leave some info in their reception and offer group rates. The Employment Agency would benefit from this, as would the applicants and you could work the hours of your choice.

juliapenguin

liney wrote: »

That's why I suggested the Seasonal Work: it might be more hours than you would like, but you know it's only for X weeks, not a regular thing.

Then you can claim the tax back at the end of the year if you end up earning below your yearly allowance overall.

It also occurred to me that if you like to teach in small groups, then are there any Employment Agencies nearby who perhaps have an influx of Eastern Europeans who may benefit from your skills? You could ask if you can leave some info in their reception and offer group rates. The Employment Agency would benefit from this, as would the applicants and you could work the hours of your choice.

Thanks for all these great ideas - I'll definitely look into Employment Agencies, as I would then be in control of the situation. It's a great idea, and one which had never occurred to me. In fact, it's the best idea I've heard for ages!

Regarding the seasonal work - unfortunately I just find it too stressful to have to deal with the big groups of young foreigners, some of whom have been let off the leash for the first time. A few weeks ago I was teaching big groups of young Saudi lads and/or Spanish teenagers. They are lovely but very, very hard work and I just couldn't sleep at night from the over-exhaustion and overstimulation - I do better with English for Academic Purposes classes, where the students are less like bouncing puppies!

mrswive

im increasingly starting to believe that theres no such thing as 'having it all'.... any thoughts?[/QUOTE]

A very wise person once said that it is possible to 'have it all', just not all at the same time!
Once you get your head round that, it becomes easier to enjoy whichever bit you're having at the time.

I'm not quite a full-time stay at homer as I work 2 days a week, but this enables me to put the time I need in to helping my old mother to see out her days in her own home. There are so many little but important things that she can't do, and she would definitely not be able to live alone if I didn't have the time to go in and help care for her. I also love the fact that I have time to cook properly, grow fruit and veg, go to the library when I feel like it (quite often!), and spend time with my three grandchildren.
I feel like the 2 days I work are 2 too many and can't wait to give up altogether, but for the moment I feel very lucky to have a pretty good balance.
For those of you with younger children I echo the sentiment that this time will go all too quickly, so enjoy it while it lasts!

mardatha

In the old days women had no choice - they stopped work when they got married or had a family. Then we got emancipated and found the Pill , and we all rushed out to work. Women who didnt work were looked down on. Then we got even more emancipated and found mortgages and debt, and we all took on a second job. Women who didnt work a 29 hour day were looked down on. Now everybody is being made redundant and having hours cut, and suddenly women who dont stay at home all day and knit lentils for tea are looked down on.
Women are their own worst enemy and we should learn to go with the flow of life, to adapt and evolve and survive, for and with our families :rotfl::rotfl:

meritaten

I have to be honest and say that as a mostly SAHM, but one who worked when and if it suited me - I have come across both those who think women should stay at home. and those who think women should work. and IGNORED them both! My OH wasnt bothered if I worked or not! we had times when my wages put the jam on the bread, and when OH was on strike and the (clandestine) work I did put food on the table! you arrange your life to suit YOU! if you cannot take the stress in a particular job and it wont make you homeless or hungry - you quit it and look for another. you downsize and move to a more relaxed lifestyle, the possibilities are there - just dont be blinkered by what YOU think you are qualified to do! put your cv online and see what happens - you may well find that some positions you never even thought of pop up!

chirpychick

Ive read this thread with interest, i think some point are very valid. But a couple of points that i think a worthy of mentioning is trust between a couple.
I control the finances and therefore my husband has to trust me enough to say right the bills have gone up so much i need to go out to work now and i have to trust him enough to tell me if he doesnt feel it is working.
Communication plays a very important role too. If i thought for 1 second that my husband needed relief from his job and needed to leave or cut his hours i would go straight back into work but he needs to communicate that with me.
I unfortunately have suffered severe mental health problems and my job which i left 5 weeks ago i had worked there for 5 years and it became very detrimental to my health and i had to leave it wasnt really a choice.
However after 5 weeks i have never been happier but more importantly, my husband is the happiest he has been in our entire relationship because he works his job comes home and the house is spotless and he gets to enjoy his weekends again and home cooked foods etc.
Yes we have had to make some cut backs but things we see as luxury such as sky tv and a second car.
My mum is the complete opposite to me, a high flying career woman who probably couldnt think of anything worse than being at home all day, but i love it, i love looking after our home and our animals and when we have a child im sure i will love being home and there for them and giving them the time i didnt get.
There is nothing wrong with either option, you have to do what is right for you as a person and you as a family.
Yes there is that risk that your relationship could break down and i appreciate that but i also see it as 1) i do the house "work" and he does the financial work we are both entitled to 50% of everything. 2) our relationship has never been better anyway so i dont see that as a possibility!
we dont currently have the option but at the end of the IVA we will organise a private pension for myself.
Unless my hubby needed relief from his job or a complete change in circumstances i never see myself being anything more than a home maker, but to us its a very worthwhile job.
In my mind i think i dont criticise others choices and dont expect it from them.
it has taken us a while to get used to a more simple way of life but again we love it now and even when we have more money after the iva i dont see us being more frivolous as i take great pride and pleasure in our frugal and simple ways.