Being a homemaker even after the kids have left home

juliapenguin

Wow - fantastic posts and thank you everyone for your wise words and encouragement.

I'd really fallen into the trap of defining myself in terms of my job, but already I'm starting to feel like there is a real 'me' in there somewhere but I've got lost under a massive weight of bereavement and anxiety.

I'm on the books of two language schools as a supply teacher, and I'm seeing Evil Boss from my old school on Monday, as his Non-Evil Boss (and all my former students) has said he wants me back. I've said I would consider teaching two afternoons a week (a total of five hours with the class, plus about five hours prep and marking) but only if I can have it in writing that I will not be bullied into teaching any more hours. Somehow I don't think he'll agree to that, but I need to look after myself and not just cave in like I normally do.

juliapenguin

chirpychick wrote: »

I unfortunately have suffered severe mental health problems and my job which i left 5 weeks ago i had worked there for 5 years and it became very detrimental to my health and i had to leave it wasnt really a choice.
However after 5 weeks i have never been happier but more importantly, my husband is the happiest he has been in our entire relationship because he works his job comes home and the house is spotless and he gets to enjoy his weekends again and home cooked foods etc.

You have no idea how helpful it is for me to read this. Thank you.

juliapenguin

MilliesMum - thank you for sharing your experiences. It is really helping me to get some perspective on my own feelings about the loss of independence I will experience if I don't manage to keep working.

It all helps me, but I also hope that you will find 'company' with those of us who are discussing our feelings about being at home when the rest of the world is out at work.

Patchwork_Quilt

One of the most interesting things (to me) about being an almost SAHM with older, independent children is the importance of intellectual stimulation. I have been doing an OU course for four years and although it is incredibly difficult, it is also wonderful to simply sit down and do something entirely for myself and also very interesting. Although the price of this has gone up for new students, I would recommend some kind of class or course to keep your mind going and keep you to a timetable.

I have also found my allotment very healing and am sharing it with a friend who had a nervous breakdown a couple of years ago. She has found it relaxing too. Not only is it gentle outdoor exercise, it gives a great deal of satisfaction and I think the rhythm of the seasons is good for the soul.

Lastly, I think it is important to be creative. Make something with your hands, whether it is knitting, baking or whittling! I learned crochet from You Tube a while back and now enjoy it very much. This year, I have experimented with making cordials and dressings.

I hope you find a way of life that supports you.

YORKSHIRELASS

This thread has raised some really worthwhile points and has been really interesting to follow. I wanted to echo the sentiments that being a homemaker doesnt have to be a bad thing for your marriage. I am much happier and more relaxed now that I am not working all hours. We have also rediscovered family time at weekends. Hubby doesnt have to do the gardening or help me with chores so we can all do something together instead in our spare time. He definitely feels that life is easier for him.

I do feel sometimes that I would like to contribute financially to the household though. I probably feel this way because I have always brought in a decent amount of money. This doesnt matter at all to my hubby though, and thats really important.

Off to look at the new thread now! Keep the discussion going, its certainly made me feel better.

juliapenguin

I'm glad other people besides me (OP) are finding it useful to explore this topic. I really, really want to have it all - but my mental health issues mean that it's going to be very difficult for me to find the right combination of home/work/family/friends/hobbies etc etc where I don't keep relapsing into severe anxiety states. These states are actually quite dangerous - I know this is not the place to discuss serious mental health issues, but let's just say that when the anxiety reaches a certain point, I'd do ANYTHING to make it go away.

The plan is to become more comfortable with being at home, while at the same time doing some part-time casual supply teaching if I can get it. At the same time I'm exploring the options for regular work - the standard language school timetable is a minimum of 15 hours teaching a week, but I need to have a maximum of 10 hours, less if it's English for Academic Purposes which has loads and loads of preparation and marking. If I can't find the right job, I'll stay at home rather than take the wrong job and risk another breakdown.

I'm trying really hard to focus on the positive benefits of being a homemaker, and you are all helping me so much.

meritaten

julia - would you be more comfortable with 1 to 1 tutoring? you seem to be applying to schools with the idea that 10 to Max of 15 hours a week is your ideal. you also say you dont like large groups of students and find them stressfull. couldnt you do those hours outside the school system? a home tutor? with perhaps, occasional exam inviligitator?
Think outside the box you are familiar with - perhaps a local college would be delighted to take you on as a Student Support Tutor? you can then dictate your hours. I wasnt a qualified teacher - but I know that when I did that job I got so much gratification without the hassle of being the tutor - the job was mostly pleasure! I have a feeling that YOU would enjoy it too - because those lightbulb moments when the student GOT it! that was a real buzz! and knowing that without your help they wouldnt have made it - that gave me the warm and fuzzies! and i sometimes come across former students I have helped and the majority of them are doing so well............there is no feeling like it!

juliapenguin

meritaten wrote: »

julia - would you be more comfortable with 1 to 1 tutoring? you seem to be applying to schools with the idea that 10 to Max of 15 hours a week is your ideal. you also say you dont like large groups of students and find them stressfull. couldnt you do those hours outside the school system? a home tutor? with perhaps, occasional exam inviligitator?
Think outside the box you are familiar with - perhaps a local college would be delighted to take you on as a Student Support Tutor? you can then dictate your hours. I wasnt a qualified teacher - but I know that when I did that job I got so much gratification without the hassle of being the tutor - the job was mostly pleasure! I have a feeling that YOU would enjoy it too - because those lightbulb moments when the student GOT it! that was a real buzz! and knowing that without your help they wouldnt have made it - that gave me the warm and fuzzies! and i sometimes come across former students I have helped and the majority of them are doing so well............there is no feeling like it!

Thank you for the ideas - the English as a Foreign/Second Language field operates a bit differently to the standard school system, but you've reminded me to investigate the possibility of supporting children whose first language isn't English. I know that tutors do go in to help small groups and individuals, but I don't know where they come from! I'll look into this.

Today is a big day as I'm going back to see Evil Boss from my last job to discuss the possibility of me returning two afternoons a week to do one particular advanced exam preparation class - the students have asked for me to come back, and the owner of the school has told Evil Boss to have a meeting with me. I think he'll set unreasonable conditions and I can't let myself be bullied again. If I don't go, I'll always wonder whether it would have worked out - 5 fixed hours a week plus supply teaching as and when my health allows it would be perfect.

ceridwen

juliapenguin wrote: »

Wow - fantastic posts and thank you everyone for your wise words and encouragement.

I'd really fallen into the trap of defining myself in terms of my job, but already I'm starting to feel like there is a real 'me' in there somewhere but I've got lost under a massive weight of bereavement and anxiety.

You certainly have had me thinking on that since - and with having read another woman elsewhere commenting how she had also defined herself by her job.

I've been wondering ever since how many people DO define themselves by a job and its something I've noticed in a few men (ie the ones who still give themselves military titles after having retired from a military job). I didnt think doing this was that widespread - and am now wondering....

Maybe its just that the thought literally has never occurred to me to define myself by my job. Maybe thats because my jobs have always only ever been "jobs" and not a "career"/I've always been low-paid (just the extent of HOW low-paid has varied)/I've always been aware that I am more intelligent than the jobs I do - and therefore its simply not been possible to define myself that way.

I have always defined myself by things I've done outside work that I am particularly proud of - I came up with this idea/I started up that group/I'm very good with money and aware that a lot of people would have made a lot worse "deal of their life" in the same set of circumstances I've had.

I guess other things as well define me - as a baby boomer generation woman who has only ever had "jobs", not "careers" and didnt go to University - I nevertheless stood my ground and refused to get married to anyone other than Mr Right (even if that meant I never did - as was the case...). I stood my ground and said that I would make an active/conscious decision whether to have children or no - and that decision was not to have them - and I stood by it.

Younger women take for granted they wont marry/live with someone unless THEY really want to with that particular man - I was a bit of a fore-runner for a non-career/non University woman of my generation. YOunger women dont take for granted that they will automatically have children - that was also not that usual a position for a non-career/non-University woman of my generation. So - I'm proud of myself for having stood up for myself/made up my own mind on those things at that point in history.

So - maybe that gives you some "food for thought" as to other ways to define yourself??

juliapenguin

It does, ceridwen. I think it's all to do with valuing all our achievements, rather than just those which society rewards with salaries and pensions. I need to think more about this.