Being a homemaker even after the kids have left home

ceridwen

juliapenguin wrote: »

To be perfectly honest, I'm not half as worried about what other people think as about what I think: I define myself by my job, even if other people don't. I need to work on seeing myself as valuable and my life as meaningful, regardless of whether or not I'm working.

That is a point I can resonate with on here. I am unable to "define myself by my job" - because the job is low-paid/low status...so the last thing I would do is to "define myself by my job". So - I define myself by ME and my interests/level/etc - and thats a different level to the job I have to do. So - the job I do simply doesnt come into my calculations personally as in any way "personal" to me....because it just isnt.

I am personally looking forward hugely to "being my own person" come retirement at last and not even mentioning the type of job I've had to do for so many years. At long long last EVERYONE will define me by "myself" and not the job I have:D:T:D:T. Jobs have been purely and simply a means to an end for a long time now...

The one thing I wonder about is how your O.H. feels about this. Does he feel okay about this or does he still want you to work (be it part-time or full-time)? How does he feel about his job and continuing to work full-time?

ceridwen

dandy-candy wrote: »

From someone living this right now, I would say DON'T do it!

I stopped working at 19 to have DS1 and i'm now 38. My kids are 18, 14 and 12 and I am still a SAHM. When the kids were home most of the time it was fun and I loved every minute but the last few years have been soul destroying. The other mums I got together with all went back to work when their kids started school full time, I live in a city but everyone in my road is at work during the day - it is so lonely that it makes you miserable. I threw myself into hobbies for the first couple of years but that wears off, and yes people do judge you - I want to crawl under a rock when people I meet for the first time say "And what do you do?" Having been out of work for this long has taken all my confidence, I don't know what to talk about with new faces and I don't feel I could apply for a job now with a 19 gap on my CV. I thought about charity work but around here that means elderly or disabled groups and having spent the last 2 years helping my mum who was disabled and dying of cancer I couldn't handle a job working in the care enviroment.
If I could do it again I would have got a job - ANY JOB - the minute my youngest started school, even if it was only 2 days a week. I had a full blown breakdown 7 years ago so don't assume being at home will necessarily help with mental health problems, I actually feel i'm in a worse place now than if I'd stayed part of "society" at large.
OP I know your mum was at home and happy, but in the past there would have been plenty of other women at home to - maybe even in her street - and so it wasn't such a lonely life.

Some very good points there:T

lostinrates

I'm 32, have no children and do not work outside the home in any ''meaningful'' way. My husband's work hours are unpredicatable and leave is cancelled with little or no notice. Furthermore, some years ago I developed a nuerological problem that while much better now, has left me very easily exhausted, unfit, weak, forgetful and often in a lot of pain...but I do not consider myself ''disabled'' or not well enough to work...just perhaps not well enough to be reliable.

when we took the decision I would no longer work it was not by choice at all, and when well enough I have done stints for friends and in temp roles and this year started a microbusiness.

I like being able to be totally flaxible to DH's routine. I like homemaking. I miss outside stimulation and its important to get that in someways IMO, for oneself...both for fulfilment and to stop one becoming too introspective or boring! Education, voluntary work, stints of stuff for other people....there are lots of way to acheive that. I can be busy ALL day when well enough. I can rest when I'm not and I can be here for us when he is. That's worth a lot to us.

a fellow MSEer visited me today and pointed out how over the four years she's known me on MSE taking time to rebuild word skills lost in illness ''shows''. I still make a lot of mistakes, but had I rushed into a busier full time less demanding position I think I might feel frustrated, depressed and less ''better'' than I now am. I can ''push'' myself as much as I want.....take time to read things in one of my less strong languages with a dictionary...honestly, with a job and a house to run as well I'm not sure I'd have the will or the time to. I can challenge myself far more intellectually than I would be able to in a job I would consider myself currently equipped for, and all at my own pace.


Vegetating would be profoundly depressing, but apart from if I really don't feel well I don't do that.

ALIBOBSY

I am another SAHM here with 4 kids. I went back to work full time and then part time with the 2 eldest (with a career break inbeween), but finished when I had no 3. Obviously then had no 4. Very busy with 4 kids, 1 tom cat, 1 kitten, 1 hamster and the chickens lol. But I have been thinking about the future.
Since being a young child I wanted to write so trying to push that forward, I also love baking and once the kids are older I intend to do training in sugarcraft and the like.

Ideally OH and I want to get somewhere bigger with more land and will aim to be very selfsufficent-already grow as much as we can and love our own eggs lol, then I could work from home either writing or baking (or maybe both).

But I love being at home at never want to go "out" to work again if I can manage it.

Perhaps its a case of deciding how you want to live your life and working out how to get there.

We have a back up plan where we extend our current house and convert the garage, then get an allotment to keep growin our own-but we are semi rural here so can easily do forageing to add to our stores so we buy less processed stuff and move towards being more OS.

Ali x

meritaten

I will be honest - I havent read all the replies, but, I felt I must respond to your original post.
I have worked all my married life, but sporadically! I have taken jobs as and when I felt up to it or economics dictated. usually fairly lowpaid temporary jobs, with a few exceptions.
I have never felt while out of work that I was 'Just' a homemaker! its the most valuable job I have ever had!
To create a home is a worthwhile job in itself and you shouldnt think its easy - cos its not!
if you feel that your skills are going to 'go to waste' then you can devote some time to community work perhaps or volunteer with a charity - they dont just want people to man the tills, they need people with your 'smarts' on boards of trustees etc too.
Take this time of enforced rest as a time of healing and reflection - and I am sure that an opportunity will come along which will be ideal for you. I have often found jobs have just fallen into my lap like gifts from the gods - suddenly and unexpected! and these I have enjoyed the most.
good luck and I hope you feel better soon!

ceridwen

Meritaten

Well - I'll bear your comment in mind about jobs falling into ones lap suddenly and unexpectedly - like a "gift from the gods" as maybe/just maybe that is something that will happen to me come retirement.

I would just LOVE to be paid once/just once even to do a job that had "happened along" and that I actually wanted to do....so...this gives me some hope that it might happen yet one of these fine days...:)

I'd be interested to know more details of these jobs that "fell into lap" if you feel able to give them...all hints more than welcome as to how I might ever have a job that I actually WANTED to do AND paid me for doing it would be more than welcome...

...as right at this moment I'm resigned to never ever having any sorta job in the whole of my worklife that I would do by choice...darn it...

meritaten

ok Ceridwen - one example of a job which I absolutely adored and totally came out of the blue!
I was in the position that the kids were all in work and decided I needed to get 'into' the computer age. Did a short course (4 weeks at a night class at a local college). was told about city and guilds and signed up for that! absolutely loved it - and computers so did all the C&G courses available. Then signed up the next Year for a Btec Higher Diploma. had this amazing tutor called Gillian. I did three days a week and was at home one day when Gillian rang me, she was teaching a night class in basic computer skills and was having trouble with her oldest student - she thought he may benefit from 1 to 1 and the college had agreed to fund a student support tutor. I was qualified enough and would I be interested in two nights a week? at £11.50 an hour I was interested all right!
So, I went along and tutored an 84 yr old retired maths teacher who was only interested in learning to email his grandson who was on a gap year and travelling the world!
It was fabulous! the old gent had given Gill so much grief about haveing to learn 'other' aspects of computers she was tearing her hair out!
I developed a rapport with the old gent and Gill left me to it! I taught him how to email, then persuaded him to 'surf' the net and tempted him with some maths sites I had found for him. introduced him to forums and finally persuaded him to write letters by letting him think I didnt know the formal forms of address, salutation, punctuation etc. at the end of the course I bet him that he could pass the exam and get the qualification! He did! with a perfect score! he was so proud that he could email his grandson and tell him what he had achieved! and Gill was soooooo relieved - she was sure he wouldnt do it!
the old gent bought me flowers AND chocolates!
that led to other tutors requesting me for thier students and after two years suddenly I was working almost full time! I had many different students with different problems - but i thoroughly enjoyed it. it only came to an end when the college decreed that all SSTs had to have a teaching cert. I didnt want to do that so finished. but that three years still has the best memories of college for me!

valk_scot

I gave up work 18 years ago when I was pregnant with my first child and haven't been back sonce. Youngest is now nearly 10 so I suppose I could, but why I ask myself? My OH works long hours so I already do 95% of the domestic stuff and that wouldn't change, so I'd really have to be stretching myself to have even a part time job. And for what? My OH makes enough money to keep us all in reasonable comfort, we don't have debts and I'm here as a full time support for the kids, my OH and the house. No fitting all the cleaning and cooking in at the weekends!

Also we did the sums and financially we wouldn't actually be that better off. I'm a good housekeeper, good shopper, I can cook and do DIY and make and mend. I can stretch the pennies, belive me. And I don't have the work related expenses of fares and clothes etc.

Personally? I have an allotment and several hobbies. I go to a couple of craft groups during the week and have ended up doing a little tutoring work in one of them now and again. Financial input negligable but it's good for meeting people and good company. I go on weekend trips to craft shows with the same people and do demos. It's creative and satisfying so I'm certainly not lonely.

I don't think I'm "just" a housewife. Why does work have to define a person?

lizzyb1812

JuliaP - I stopped working last October - long story but in a nutshell stress related. At first it was very enjoyable but it soon became a bit "samey" and I missed the interaction with colleagues. I decided I needed some structure to my days so I did myself a timetable - being sure to acknowledge that any timetable would have to be an evolving thing not something set in stone. Roughly speaking now my days Mon-Fri divide into mornings being a housewife-come-gardener (I grow quite a bit of my food) and afternoons on a mixture of projects and voluntary work. The voluntary work is in my professional field and keeps my skills up in case I decide to go back to work - it will fill the gap in my CV too.

To create the timetable I listed what I wanted to achieve and then allotted time periods to each activity. Now it's much less formal except for the specific voluntary work periods but it is largely as described above. I tell anyone who asks, few do, that I'm semi-retired and working on some personal projects. People tend to be envious rather than disparaging - these days not being tied to the 9-5 is seen as a luxury by many.

The one big thing I would say is not to let yourself get isolated - the voluntary TEFL should help that and should remind you that you are being helpful to the students. As for the dream 10hrs plus prep job, don't let go of the dream entirely but try to occupy yourself with other things and let the job come to you not the other way around. Also could you perhaps take on one or two students for tutoring and let them know that small groups would make their tutoring more interesting and cost-effective?

Oh, and regardless of MH issues the sort of change you are contemplating is bound to create some level of anxiety - that is perfectly normal and just means you're human

Sorry for being long-winded

Kemiera19

Julia - check out http://www.cherrymenlove.com she's 36 and has been writing her blog since 2005, she does have 1 year old twins now but even before them, by her own admission, her career is her home, running it, looking after it and caring for her husband. No 'just' involved!