Difficult Situation

purplepardalis

These MIL stories always make me smile. I think I would be telling the same stories about my mother and not even batting an eyelid at what my MIL did with the children!

sharnad

FBaby wrote: »

Then you should make sure your children sleep in your bedroom, because by being in their own bedroom, there is a 1 in a million chance that they could be trapped in their bedroom if a fire started in the night...

I'm sure you would think this quite absurb (at least I hope!!). What your MIL did is no different...

you think leaving two children alone in a cafe is the same as having them sleep in a seperate room at home

Spendless

shelley_crow wrote: »

As I explained before, I doubt my 6 year old would scream as he doesn't see strangers as a potential threat, yet. If the lorry driver had said that his nan had told him to go with the driver, he wouldn't question it.

What I did with mine at a similar age is gave them a family 'password' and they are told that if ever anyone says that they've been told to go with them to x then they are to ask what the password is. Of course you can't guarantee that they will remember, but reminding them frequently enough when you are running through 'stranger danger' talks, then you'd hope it would sink in. I would also say when we were out on a shopping trip in town say, 'suppose all of a sudden you were seperated from mum, who do you consider to be a 'safe' adult to go to to say you were lost, so you'd give example of say a policeman on duty (ie in uniform), or a shop where there are a lot of workers eg a a big department store/supermarket, then a family with children, last would be adults alone. We would then look about and see who the kids would consider to be a 'safe' adult to go to, and talk about it.
Because as a family we have that in force, put in your MIL's shoes, if I hadn't taken kids with me, they'd have been told to stay where they were until I came back or until someone appeared with the password to take them, or if they became concerned they would go to the staff at the services or a security guard.

Caroline_a

Alikay wrote: »

I think it's just a generation thing: My parents and in-laws have often quoted situations where they asked a stranger to "keep an eye on" us for a few minutes. This included popping to the shops while leaving kids in the swimming pool, going to the pub and asking neighbours to "listen out", going to parties at neighbours' houses and just relying on kids wandering across the road if parents were needed and (probably worst of all) putting kids on long distance buses and trains (to be met by family members at the other end) and asking random strangers to check we were OK. Yes, seriously!!

Turns out that this was pretty normal in the 60's when we were growing up, so I wonder if your MIL is caught in a bit of a time-warp regarding responsibility for children? Whatever the reason she needs to be gently but firmly told that this is no longer the case: These days responsibility for children is firmly with the adult caring for them, not the community at large.

I think this is the saddest thing I've ever heard. Last year I went to Finland to an event that involved youngsters from the age of 6 up to adulthood. In a 4 day period I never heard a child cry, whinge, witter, or complain. If they got too exuberant one of the adults would have a word, and they would quieten down. There was no arguement, and it didn't seem to matter which adult - they even took it from the Brits who spoke no Finnish. I pondered on this for a while when I returned to the UK, and finally put it down to a community rearing its children.

When I was a kid, if an adult told me off I listened. Today an adult telling a kid off is likely to get a mouthful of abuse. Which eventually leads to the dreadful displays of no respect for community that we saw last week....

Spendless

building_with_lego wrote: »

For anyone frightened of abduction I can recommend How to Live Dangerously by Warwick Cairns to put things into perspective. The stats are astonishing: to get your child abducted you'd have to lock them outside for 12 hours a day for about 200,000 years. They would then be abducted, and you'd get them back safe within 24 hours.

Remind me not to get this for my very logical 11 yo. A few years back he asked if he could start walking to/from school without me. We live a few mins away but I didn't feel comfortable with it. At the time Shannon Matthews was missing, DS is about 18 months younger, so I told him I wasn't keen and mentioned about a girl going missing on her way home from school and DS replied that's ONE 9yo, has the news also reported how many 9yo's got home perfectly ok. :rotfl:

make_me_wise

shelley_crow wrote: »

While talking, she let something slip that I haven't been able to stop brooding about. On the way back, they stopped at motorway services to get something to eat. my son and his cousin had just sat down and MIL realised that she left her phone in the toilets, on the other side of the service station. She set off to get it and asked the nearest stranger, who happened to be a random lorry driver to keep an eye on my son and his cousin while she was gone! The toilets were completely out of sight of the cafe where my son and his cousin were sitting.

I suppose I'm just looking for reassurance that I'm not overreacting, as I can see that is something I will be accused of if I stop MIL taking my children out by herself in the future.

You are not overreacting to what I have highlighted in bold. I dont see why your MIL would think it okay to leave two children with a person she did not know at a service station. Why not just take the kids with her and find a new table to sit at when they got back? Lets face it these places have a quick turnaround as people generally just want a quick break before continuing with their journeys.

I have never been in your position so I cannot imagine how you feel. This must have come as a horrible shock OP and shaken your trust in someone close to you. That in itself is a very unsetlling thing I would think.

Your MIL took a very stupid chance on your kid and his cousin. Far more from luck than judgement she got away with it this time. God forbid if this stranger had been a !!!!ophile, he would have thought all his birthdays and xmas had come at once, and her actions would have lost you your child and his cousin. There is no other way around this. Your MIL needs this spelt out to her loud and clear.

I think your next move should be dependant on how she reacts to you pointing this out. If she instantly sees her huge error, apologises and promises it will never happen again then I would allow her to continue seeing and taking the children out. A positive relationship with grandparents is invaluable to kids. If however she poo-poos your opinions and treats you as if you are over-reacting to such a serious incident, then in no uncertain terms tell her that from now on she cannot have the children unless you are accompanying her. These are your kids and as you are well aware unless there is 100% commitment from her about their welfare she cannot be alone with them. It is not reasonable for you to ever be put in a position of wondering whether you are gambling with your childrens safety by letting her take them out alone.

victory

spendless I really think the family password is a fantastic idea, I really do, bit late for me and mine but so wish I had thought of it and used it, perfect

Mojisola

Spendless wrote: »

What I did with mine at a similar age is gave them a family 'password' and they are told that if ever anyone says that they've been told to go with them to x then they are to ask what the password is. Of course you can't guarantee that they will remember, but reminding them frequently enough when you are running through 'stranger danger' talks, then you'd hope it would sink in. I would also say when we were out on a shopping trip in town say, 'suppose all of a sudden you were seperated from mum, who do you consider to be a 'safe' adult to go to to say you were lost, so you'd give example of say a policeman on duty (ie in uniform), or a shop where there are a lot of workers eg a a big department store/supermarket, then a family with children, last would be adults alone. We would then look about and see who the kids would consider to be a 'safe' adult to go to, and talk about it.
Because as a family we have that in force, put in your MIL's shoes, if I hadn't taken kids with me, they'd have been told to stay where they were until I came back or until someone appeared with the password to take them, or if they became concerned they would go to the staff at the services or a security guard.

This is excellent advice. I expect you do it at home as well - what if a fire started, etc? We used to.

People who safely come out of dangerous situations are usually those who have rehearsed "what if?" It's recommended that you envisage the way from your airplane seat to the emergency exits, walk the route from your hotel room to the fire exits, and so on.

Wilma33

Had they already bought food? If so, what did you expect her to do? Take the 2 children and all the food to the toilet with her? Personally I think 6 and 8 is old enough to be left for 2 minutes whilst nan dashes back to the toliet. She should have told them where she was going though.

Strapped

Marisco wrote: »

I can certainly understand where MIL is coming from. It's not something I'd personally do now, but don't forget in the 60's and 70's we used to leave the prams outside the shops when we went inside shopping. I remember when I'd just had my son (1974) I went to the Post Office, came out and went home, but there was something in the back of mind I knew I'd forgotton. It was only when I got home I realised it was my son!!! I ran back, and he was still fast asleep in the pram outside the Post Office!!!

Rather than go in all guns blazing, just explain that you'd rather the kids were not left alone for any reason, and you realise how it used to be, but is not like that now. Although I must admit, I do sometimes think people are too overprotected these days, and are not allowed to do anything, but that's a different thread

The story about the pram made me smile. My mother in law often used to tell me that she sent my sister in law to the shops with my husband when he was a baby, and sister in law came home without him. So you're not the only one! (I have done it with the dog once or twice but not the baby!)